Hey! This is issue #7 of the Sheila Heti Summer Slow Read, a five month journey through the novel Motherhood. New episodes drop every Sunday from May-September, 20 issues in total. If you want to start at the beginning or read more about what the hell we’re doing here, head on over to issue #1.
You guys, this episode is… amazing. Listening to it back today like, wow. I am just so grateful I get to do this. Thank you to all of you for caring and listening!!!!
I only have a few friends who have frozen their eggs. One of them agreed to talk about it with me for today’s issue, but our plan had to change a bit. So, I reached out somewhat timidly to my friend Lisa (43, mother of a 10 month old baby, went through four rounds of IVF for over two years to have her). I was totally, completely shocked (in the best way!!) when she responded almost immediately that she was absolutely willing to share her story. There’s definitely a lot of crossover with IVF and egg freezing, at least procedurally, but Lisa’s story is particularly interesting because she was very ambivalent to having kids throughout her thirties – and had pretty much decided not to have them – until COVID.
For anyone who is wondering, this IVF story does have a “happy ending,” obviously, since Lisa has a daughter now. I recognize and acknowledge that not all of them do. This may be a story you need right now, and maybe it isn’t – please do whatever feels right for you right now. This story is real and it’s raw and I am indebted to Lisa for sharing with us!! I hope you get as much out of it as I did.
#7. Freezing my indecision (pages 127-128)
“This afternoon, I went to the fertility clinic for the final of a series of three appointments, to check on the possibility of freezing my eggs.
A woman sat behind a long glass table that was covered in a mess of papers, wearing a white coat that I couldn’t interpret: Was she a doctor? A nurse? A lab technician? How seriously was I to take her? She opened my file and said, Congratulations–it’s good news! She smiled warmly and said my ovaries were young, like fresh figs. I burst into tears. How could my body betray me in this way? Didn’t it know anything about us – about what I truly desired?
Leaving the clinic, it was nearly dusk. The sky was bruised and purple, like a fresh fig. Then it began to rain.
Walking home under construction scaffolding, I thought, No. You are not going to freeze your eggs. You should be able to figure out what you want and get it before the time runs out. The procedure would cost way more than I had, and I worried that the hormones would hurt me, or that it would hurt my relationship with Miles – make me too emotional to bear Miles, or be borne. Indecision has always been with me, but I didn’t want it to dominate my life more than it has already done. Getting my eggs frozen would have been like freezing my indecision. I couldn’t reveal my weakness to myself in such a tangible way.” – Sheila Heti, Motherhood
Here’s what we talked about:
1:15 – Introductions & reading the prompt
3:40 – At look at Lisa’s 30s, and how they were marked by indecision and ambivalence, including the COVID of it all and how that played a part in Lisa’s story
9:00 – Lisa’s story of going through IVF, starting with how she felt when she decided she wanted to go down that road, including all the nuts and bolts about shots, retrieval, fertilization, scans, etc. etc.
22:45 – Acupuncture and getting Lisa’s “Type A” head in the right place, including the greatest lesson of Lisa’s life that she learned through IVF
27:45 – The importance of therapy and how I almost donated my eggs in my late 20s
31:00 – A very honest look at the costs of Lisa’s IVF journey, including the “parenthood benefit” provided by the company she works for
38:45 – What Lisa wishes more people knew about IVF, and her advice for anyone who is sitting on the fence right now (Lisa totally called me out “you might not like this Kel” hahahaha I love her)
45:00 – How so many people have tried IVF, you probably just don’t know. And Lisa’s advice for how to show up for a friend who is going through IVF (or something similar where we feel we need to “hide our pain”)
