#1. There is a kind of sadness
Welcome to the first issue of the Sheila Heti Summer Slow Read!
Hello and welcome to the inaugural issue of the Sheila Heti Summer Slow Read! Happy Sunday – I am so giddy, psyched, excited you’re here. Today may just be the best day of the year, which isn’t saying much considering how much of a dumpster fire 2025 has been so far, but still! It’s my husband’s birthday today, and also Star Wars day, May the fourth be with you.
Today I’m joined by my friend Rachel to discuss prompt #1, “There is a kind of sadness.” Rachel is one of my closest friends and also my husband’s ex-girlfriend, so if you’re looking for some juicy tea this morning, there it is! 👀
Before we get to our conversation, though, a few logistics. ICYMI, the Sheila Heti Summer Slow Read is a journey through the book Motherhood, which is not actually about motherhood, but about Sheila Heti’s (auto-fictional) journey deciding whether or not she wanted kids. It was called “a significant cultural artifact” by the Los Angeles Review of Books, and “a dear friend to my soul: a reassuring balm, a giddy compatriot, and also, just, exquisite” by a random reviewer on Goodreads. This series is half book club, half podcast, and in the spirit of this being a series that is mostly audio, I recorded a little 5 minute introduction to what this project is and why I wanted to do it:
If you’d like to read Motherhood as we go, I’ve broken the book down into five sections to read each month, by page numbers:
MAY: 1-44
JUNE: 47-137
JULY: 141-164 (it’s peak summer and also there’s SO MUCH in these pages, my god)
AUGUST: 167-201
SEPTEMBER: 205-284
*Please note, these page numbers correspond to the hardcover (the one with the boring white and purple cover!)
It’s a slow read, baby! Manageable even if your summer looks crazy. Or, just experience the book through this series, which will come out every Sunday morning from now through the end of September. The last issue on September 28th will be a discussion about the entire book (with Rachel, who you’re going to meet today) and then we’ll do a Zoom to discuss as a group.
If you haven’t bought the book yet and you want to, the e-book is available right now for $1.99 on Apple Books, which is a thing I didn’t know existed until a few days ago:
Every week, part of the magic is going to go down in the comments section. To get the most out of this series, here’s what I recommend every week as you’re able (with a glass of rosé or coffee on a patio somewhere):
1. Read the prompt (and the pages, if you want)
2. Listen to the audio discussion
3. Leave a comment before you go – something that stood out to you from the podcast, the prompt, your own story, a question; anything to get the discussion going.
Now! Onto today’s prompt, #1 of 20. Thrilled you’re here. Let’s make magic.
1. There is a kind of sadness (pages 22-23)
“The feeling of not wanting children is the feeling of not wanting to be someone else’s idea of me. Parents have something greater than I’ll ever have, but I don’t want it, even if it’s so great, even if in a sense they’ve won the prize, or grabbed the golden ring, which is genetic relief – relief at having procreated; success in the biological sense, which on some days seems like the only sense that matters. And they have social success, too.
There is a kind of sadness in not wanting the things that give so many other people their life’s meaning. There can be sadness at not living out a more universal story – the supposed life cycle – how out of one life cycle another is supposed to come. But when out of your life, no new cycle comes, what does that feel like? It feels like nothing. Yet there is a bit of a let-down feeling when the great things that happen in the lives of others – you don’t actually want those things for yourself.” – Sheila Heti, Motherhood
And here’s my conversation with Rachel (37, Taurus, Philosophy/English major, hasn’t decided whether she wants kids):