#70. Change is a good thing
Some genuinely exciting updates (even if they’re also very vague)
Hi friends! Today’s issue is going to be a little different than my usual fare. I don’t have a real essay for you today, but instead, I just wanted to crack open my brain a little and show it to you so you can see a little spoonful of the spaghetti soup currently floating around inside of it. This is a real metaphor (and a very specific reference only one person in my life will actually get lol) that I’ve been using with my career/fulfillment coach to explain that there’s just a lot going on in there right now. I mean kind of at all times, but especially at the moment. I’d like to think the spaghetti represents all the different versions of myself and the various things I’m both responsible for in life and currently exploring, and the soup is the vehicle by which all of those various strands are able to intertwine with each other, bounce around, and somehow co-exist. Call it a natural result of the fervent, unrelenting pace of modern life, or call it one woman’s quest to simply understand all the individual strings of pasta and why they’re in my brain at all.
If I haven’t fully weirded you out with this soup metaphor, let me also say that I think, in many ways, it represents change on the horizon. I’ve been talking about some changes I want to make to this newsletter now that I’m married and boring (kidding), but I haven’t had the time to really sit down and think my way through it. How and why do I want to show up here every week? What are you getting from this newsletter, and how does that differ from what I need to make the work feel satisfying, sustainable, and interesting? How can I write in a way that feels more meaningful, and create a body of work that I won’t feel so cringey asking you to subscribe, share with your friends, and possibly even pay for?
Something needs to change with the work I’m doing here, and I say that in a very positive way. An opportunity shimmering on the horizon. I think change is a good thing–without it, we’re doomed to just do the same things over and over until the end of eternity or our brains start to crumple like a tossed-aside candy wrapper from a lack of progress, growth, or innovation. The security of a small, sure thing is lovely, but I’m a risk-taker at heart. Stagnancy is the enemy, and connection is the goal. I don’t know why other writers write, but I do it to connect with other people, make sense of the world around me, and express myself and my ~individuality~, which has naturally created a very “me” focused newsletter. But I don’t think I want to do that anymore.
I’m sure that many of my fellow writers on Substack have already figured out “their thing” and see a small but steady upwards movement in reader growth every time they log into the platform. Beyond taking you on my journey through wedding planning, which has been genuinely so enjoyable, I’m not sure if I’ve really figured my thing out yet, even a year and a half in.
If you’ve never seen the back-end dashboard of Substack before, it shows a writer their key stats immediately, right up front, whether you want to see them or not. They are almost impossible to ignore. I know, because I’ve tried. Negative stats are shown in cold, lifeless gray – not red, because like a bad grade marked in a bright red pen, that would probably make us feel bad; as if a statistic shown devoid of any color will somehow soften the blow. Positive statistics are shown in green, of course; the color of vitality, money, and the permission to proceed. And every time I’ve logged into the Substack dashboard for the last three months or so, my stats have shown me an overwhelming sea of gray with one bright spot of green – my follower count.
When Substack created its own internal Twitter-like feed for writers to chat on the inside (I posted once, months ago, and then never again), it also created the ability to follow a writer without subscribing to their newsletter. Curiously, I take this one green statistic to mean that there are a few people out there who are interested in “following” me, and anything I might do in the future, who don’t necessarily want to read what I’m currently writing. This doesn’t make me depressed, necessarily, it just makes me feel like Substack is a little bit more like a social network than I previously thought. And also that I clearly need to write a better newsletter.
When my work hits, it hits. I love when you come talk to me in the comments, respond to me in an email, and share your thoughts, opinions, and stories related to a topic I’ve written about. I’ve quite literally never measured the success of my writing in terms of “likes,” and I only half pay attention to overall views. The indicator I measure success by is undoubtedly the number of comments a piece receives, thereby sparking actual conversation, and somehow I’ve managed to write maybe one or two thought-provoking issues per month for over a year that regularly get just as many comments as other publications I subscribe to that are larger than mine, even though I have restricted comments to just my paid subscribers, which is currently 16% of my total audience. This is the statistic I wish Substack would shove in my face every week. I imagine my Substack dashboard in a velour tracksuit yelling, “Your subscribers are engaged! Intelligent! Interesting! Generous! You are so lucky to have them, asshole! You are lucky to be here at all!” I think I need that.
One thing Substack doesn’t do with its statistics report is provide benchmarks so you can have a better idea of how you’re doing compared to your peers who write in a similar category (mine is “culture”), which I think would be a truly lovely thing for them to add. I understand that Substack doesn’t want to pit its writers against each other and turn us all into competitors trying to punch each other out in a bid to win your eyeballs, but it would be nice to not have to Google “what are the standard open rates on Substack?” to realize that, even though my open rates have been trending slightly in a downward direction the last few months, I’m still comparatively crushing with a 73% average open rate in the last 30 days (the average is around 50%). I have worked in the wild west of email marketing for a very long time, so I guess I already knew and probably take it for granted that my open rates are higher than average, because no one else is around to actually remind me what I’m good at. This statistic in particular is vitally important only because essentially it means that, even though I’m slowly losing more subscribers than I’m gaining over time, the ones that are still here (you! ILY!) are still connecting with my work and opening these emails almost every week. While I have been feeling a little down lately noticing my all-gray stats week after week as I try and fail to quickly scroll by them, like watching the scariest part of a horror movie through splayed-out fingers so I can get back to appreciating the actual story being told, it’s this knowledge of how many of you are actually reading almost every week that keeps me going. I still have something here.
Let me be so clear–all of this is a me problem! If something isn’t quite working with my newsletter, it’s up to me to do something about it. If a performer on stage coughs a little during a monologue, it’s never the audience’s fault. To everyone reading this, thank you. I appreciate you more than you know.
I wish this issue ended with an announcement that I already have my new-and-surely-improved concept fully figured out and it will land in your inbox next Wednesday. That I have done all the thinking already and have finally figured out “my thing.” That, unfortunately, isn’t the case. Yet! I think I know where I’m going next, but I need to clear my head and actually detangle some of the spaghetti strands and fully, really, truly think this through, which means I need a tiny break from publishing. I don’t know for how long, but I’m thinking about a month. Maybe more. (Although let’s be honest, I’m sure I’ll be back around April 20th with a reaction to The Tortured Poets Department 😉)
I also have a little tidbit to tell you about which will hopefully provide some more context for this break and the spaghetti soup of it all. I’ve heard you’re supposed to keep these kinds of things a secret, but I’ve never been very good at that. I’m writing a novel! I came up with the idea ten years ago when I was still new to L.A. and finding my footing post-college, but it took the recent shakeup with one of my jobs and living an extra ten years of life to actually sit down and start writing the thing. I have to be honest and say that it’s all I’ve wanted to do lately–truly nothing has excited me recently quite like this story has, except for maybe every time Taylor Swift announces a new album–and I’ve been pouring as much time as I have available to give into it because the story is kind of writing itself at this point and I’m just its dutiful servant. When I sit at the computer, this fictional world just pours out of my fingertips, quieting and organizing the spaghetti in my brain a little bit. So while I take a break and figure out what’s next for me on Substack, please know I’m actually writing literally more than I ever have at any point in my life other than grad school!!!
I have no idea if this story will be worthy of your time and attention when it’s done, but I’m absolutely thrilled to try something creative I’ve secretly wanted to do for over a decade. It’s a slightly spicy romance wrapped in speculative/science-fiction (naturally) about a woman who secretly doesn’t want children in a society that exerts a firm hand of control over partnering and procreation, and the love triangle she accidentally finds herself in. It’s too early to say anything else, but my friend/editor/spiritual guide told me I could “breathe a sigh of relief because it’s GOOD” when I sent her the first chapter about a month ago, so at least I have that going for me!
During my absence, I would love to direct you to what I would consider a few of my “greatest hits” that I’ve written on this platform! I know not everyone has the chance to read every single week, and maybe there are a few issues you’ve missed. Work I’m really proud of. Work I’m so proud of that I’m lifting the paywall on a few pieces you might not have been able to read before.
Am I too old for a bachelorette party? (previously paywalled)
Various stages of capitalist desperation
Should I change my last name? (previously paywalled)
Does parenthood change friendships?
Am I supposed to feel different now? (previously paywalled)
Let’s dive in: My partner doesn’t believe in marriage (previously paywalled)
For my paid subscribers, I love you more than words can say. You have made this work possible for the last year+ and I am eternally, endlessly grateful. I am pausing paid subscriptions until I’m back so that you won’t be charged while I sip away at the soup and write my novel. They say that chicken soup is good for the soul, but maybe spaghetti soup is good for the mind.
Two more things before I go–
Two weeks ago, I was a guest on a podcast for the very first time! Turns out I absolutely love podcasting, who knew?! My dear friend Cass started a podcast with her former manager, Dani, called Where’s Our Intern? and they invited me on to talk about the choice to be childfree. The episode is really interesting in that all three of us are either childfree or leaning in that direction, which I feel is kind of rare? (At least it is in my social orbit.) Take a listen here.
Also, last week’s essay, “On being a woman in America,” was featured in
‘s podcast episode, “Is He Older, Or Is He Just Rich and Noble?” I’ve never listened to anyone discuss anything I’ve written before, so it was a delight for me to hear them react to it as part of their episode. A reaction to a reaction, lol. (Thank you so much and –I am a huge fan!)In the absence of my newsletter, please know that I will still be around! Please don’t hesitate to slide into my DMs, or respond to this email if you have any thoughts for me.
Signing off with so much gratitude and excitement for what’s to come. You haven’t met the new me yet.
K bye (for now),
Kelly
Kelly!!! Hearing that you’re writing a novel is SO EXCITING and I truly CANNOT wait to read it once it’s published. While your brain might feel like spaghetti soup, you are slaying this thing called the creative life!
Kelly!!!!! A novel!!!!!! I absolutely cannot wait. You are incredible and talented and you will find your way sooner than you know. You have accomplished so much and this newsletter has brought me way more than you know. You make AN IMPACT. I know the negativity can be overwhelming and hard to look past but the people here absolutely adore you and the wisdom you bring to us. Take your time to work on that incredible novel (I will preorder as soon as I can because I again cannot wait) and to sip on that soup and slurp up your spaghetti girl. Sometimes it's better to savor :)