#30. What is Reality Right Now?
A snapshot of what life looks like in 2023 for our generation
I had a different topic in mind for this week’s newsletter (it might have been about Taylor Swift lol), but when I sat down to write it, I couldn’t focus. Last Wednesday, I published issue #29, “Am I Too Old For a Bachelorette Party?” and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. It currently has 39 comments–the most of anything I’ve written for this newsletter thus far, by a lot–and the comments are mostly long paragraphs from other women sharing their thoughts, feelings, and stories about bachelorette parties, “big asks,” and the idea of reciprocity in friendships. A few people have told me it’s the best thing I’ve written for my newsletter to date. I’m not sure if I agree, but it seems to be something that a lot of people find extremely relevant right now, whether they’re getting married this year or not.
Last Wednesday evening as I was getting ready for bed, my sister texted me: “Your article about bachelorette parties today was so so good. I think it was also so spot on to reality right now for so many of us.” Her text got me thinking: What exactly is reality right now? What does life for Millennial women (those of us in our late 20s to early 40s) really look like, actually?
My sister is 37 and got married 10 years ago–she now has three kids under the age of seven. All boys. They also just got a puppy last week, and my sister’s exact words were: “What does this circus need but another clown? 🤡” On the surface, my life looks almost nothing like my sister’s, even though we’re just three years apart in age and live in the same city. Is there a decade where life can look so drastically different for people of a similar age than when we’re in (or near) our 30s? (Or will I say the same thing when I turn 40?). Even though our life paths may pull away from those of our friends and family starting around our late 20s, I think there are some broader, really-hits-home truths about life right now that affect so many of us (us meaning: Millennial women in the United States especially) that have consumed all of my attention in the past few weeks.
Everywhere I go these days, I seem to get into conversations with people about the big things that make up our generation’s reality right now. One of my friends is considering whether to get engaged or leave her boyfriend of three years, while another is several rounds into IVF. One friend can’t work right now because of the writer’s strike, and another is so busy and burnt out at work she thinks she might actually have a mental breakdown. One friend is considering moving back home and completely changing careers, while another feels like she doesn’t even know who she is anymore both at work and in her personal life. One friend just got engaged and planned her 30-person wedding at a restaurant within a month, and another is due with her second child next week (and yet another had a baby a few months ago after several miscarriages and years of crushing infertility). A friend and her husband moved across the country recently to help care for a parent with early stage dementia, while another quit her full-time job, put all her stuff in storage, and is now freelancing while living abroad. And these are just examples from a few people I know personally. In terms of what life looks like right now, this barely scratches the surface.
Though a lot of these anecdotes skew kind of negative, I definitely don’t mean to make it sound like it’s all gloom and doom for Millennials right now! It isn’t. Behind every one of these stories is just a person who is doing their best to live life in a way that feels in line with their dreams/goals, needs, and priorities, while also being firmly rooted in the realities of our post-pandemic world. It’s complicated! And I think we’re all hell bent on pursuing a good life, however we define that.
Covid fundamentally changed so many things and revealed a lot of truths about society that I think we’re all still processing. The world changed in 2020, but so did we. We’re creating healthy boundaries with work, leaving careers that don’t serve us, and aligning ourselves with companies we believe in. We’re wondering if motherhood is right for us and finally giving a shit about diversity and equitability and the environment in real, tangible ways. We’re trying to be financially responsible, while still allowing ourselves to indulge in experiences we find meaningful and treating ourselves once in a while (even when we’re on a budget). We’re caring for children and aging parents and our mental health, and buying ourselves the fucking flowers. We’re saying no to things that feel like too big of an ask, and yes to living life on our own terms. We might be tired, but it’s all in pursuit of what we know is possible.
Going beyond just listening to my friends’ individual stories, I’ve been scouring the internet for almost a week looking for current statistics about Millennials (most are from 2022-2023; specifically about women whenever I could find it) to help paint a picture of our reality right now. Of course these are broad strokes and don’t perfectly capture everything–and there’s certainly nuance and differences based on location, race, profession, identity, privilege, and just about any defining characteristic you can think of–but as an answer to the “what is reality right now” question for Millennial women, here are the beginnings of an answer:
SOCIETY
Our biggest societal concern right now–by a lot– is the high costs of living (42%)
We’re more worried about climate change (23%) than we are about unemployment (20%), health care (19%), and crime (18%)
67% of us think that there is societal pressure to get married and have children
44% of us believe that businesses have a positive impact on society (and 60% of us believe that businesses have no ambition beyond wanting to make money)
43% of us have at least a Bachelor’s degree, which makes us the most educated generational group yet (though we hold 41% less wealth than our parents did in 1989)
51% of us own homes, and those who still rent are rapidly being priced out of homeownership
Most of us are “mostly” or “consistently” liberal, but there is also evidence that we’re moving slightly more to the right as we age (I had a hard time believing this, but I read it both here and here)
FINANCES
50% of us are living paycheck to paycheck, and only 35% believe our financial situation will improve in the next year
72% of us currently have non-mortgage debt, the largest type being credit card debt (which 67% of us have), with an average of $5,349 owed
92% of us had student loan debt at some point in our lives, and 48% of us still do. For those of of us who still have student loan debt, the average amount owed is $126,993
42% of us who took out student loans say it wasn’t worth it
50% of us have trouble sleeping because of financial stress
49% of us feel that we regularly run out of money and have to rely on credit cards or family for financial support
46% of us say we wouldn’t be able to afford our lifestyle without financial help from our parents or grandparents
68% of us do not have a budget
Those of us born in the 1980s have net worths 34% lower than expected due to economic recessions
Many of us who make over $100,000/year say we’re barely getting by
WORK
49% of us are feeling burned out at work
66% of us are thinking about a career change in the next year
62% of us say work is central to our identity, but work/life balance is something we’re striving for (only a third of us are satisfied with our work/life balance right now)
39% of us are stressed out at work all or most of the time
37% of us have second jobs (46% of us got one because we needed a second source of income)
64% of us want to work in hybrid or remote roles (while 55% of us currently are)
75% of us who are currently in hybrid or remote roles would start looking for a new job if our employers required us to come back into the office full time – and this is even more true for those of us who are ethnic minorities, LGBTQ+, or living with a disability
69% of us respond to work emails outside of normal working hours at least one day per week, and 30% of us are responding outside of normal working hours FIVE days per week
76% of us are interested in more flexible work or in reducing our working hours, but only 10% of us have no concerns about making the shift
CULTURE
The top five things that impress us the most when thinking about our peers who we admire are:
Maintaining work/life balance
Living life on our own terms
Ambition to learn new skills
Willingness to make big life changes (i.e. switch careers, go back to school, etc.)
Passion for our work
43% of us say that social media makes us want to buy things we can’t afford
48% of us are spending money we don’t have to keep up with our friends
43% of us feel stressed or anxious all or most of the time
33% of us have ended a friendship with someone because of their politics
We each gave $1,323 to charity last year, on average
28% of us are very satisfied with our employer’s diversity and inclusion efforts (up from 19% four years ago)
In terms of health and wellness, the areas we are most concerned about are stress, mental health, and sleep
73% of us are actively trying to reduce our impact on the environment
60% of us are willing to pay more for sustainable products, but 55% of us also believe it will become harder or impossible to do so if the economy doesn’t improve
WEDDINGS
We’re getting married, on average, at age 30 (ten years ago, we got married at 27)
For those of us getting married this year, our weddings will cost $29,000 on average (and I couldn’t believe this, but this is actually slightly less than ten years ago, when the average cost of a wedding hit $30K for the first time ever)
We’re spending $660 on weddings we have to drive out of town to, $1,270 on weddings we have to fly to, and $1,500 to attend bachelorette parties
We’re spending $160 on a wedding gift (up from $120 in 2019)
23% of us have lost a friend over the financial costs associated with a wedding
42% of us feel obligated to go to weddings and wedding-related events, even if we can’t afford it
38% of us are skipping a wedding or wedding-related event this year because we can’t afford it
30% of us have regretted attending a wedding we couldn’t afford
CHILDREN
47% of us have daily caretaking responsibilities for children, and 26% have caretaking duties for our parents
Over 40% of us said that caretaking duties have a significant impact on our mental and physical health, finances, and opportunities to relax
55% of us currently have children, and 43% of us have decided (or plan to) have fewer/no children to reduce our environmental impact
For those of us with kids, we’re spending $18,271 per year, per child on average
But depending on where we live, daycare costs alone can be more expensive than the average total cost per child, per year (in my states, Minnesota and California, daycare costs $16-$17K per year)
59% of those of us with kids are more concerned about childcare costs than we have been in the past, which has led us to take a second job (31%), reduce hours at work (26%), change jobs (25%), or leave the workforce entirely (21%)
Since becoming a parent, 53% of us spend less time hanging out with our friends, and 49% of us spend less time going on dates with our partners
45% of us with kids think we are more stressed than we should be
84% of us with kids think we aren’t as healthy as we should be
For those of us who don’t have kids yet but might want them, if we freeze our eggs, it costs approximately $8,500-$14,000 per cycle (most of us will do 1-2 cycles), plus storage costs of $500/year
Only 39% of us who freeze our eggs and then try to have a baby will ultimately have success
A single round of IVF costs between $15,000-$30,000 (and many of us who do IVF will end up doing several cycles)
23% of us without kids say it’s not at all likely that we will have them
56% of us who aren’t planning on having kids say it’s because we just don’t want them
73% of us who don’t have kids agree that the freedom that comes with not having kids brings us happiness
Of course, statistics aren’t always completely accurate and they’re pretty constantly changing, but I think everything above pretty accurately captures a general snapshot of our current reality. I could have easily kept going, but combing through statistics looking for ones that appear to be relevant, recent, and reliable is time consuming, lol. I had flashbacks to grad school while writing this issue, which was somehow almost five years ago??? I think we’re also living in a time warp.
So… how do you feel about all of this? What does reality look like for you right now? Anything above ring true or false? Comments are open to everyone on this issue, so be sure to drop in and tell me before you go.
P.S. Since this all started with last week’s essay about my failed bachelorette party, I’m going to do something I’ve never done and offer a 48-hour free trial for my paywalled issues in case you’d like to read it. If you like this newsletter and look forward to seeing it in your inbox, I hope you’ll stick around after the trial period ($5/month is currently less than it costs to get a latte in St. Paul right now!) but given all the above statistics regarding finances, I totally get it if not. I have some exciting job/career updates to tell you all about soon (which ties into this hopefully very gentle ask) but I’ll save that for another issue. And also, the offer for a free subscription for anyone who is unemployed or underemployed still stands! Just shoot me a DM with your email address. The free trial offer ends on Sunday.
P.S.S. I used a lot of different sources for the above statistics, which I will list below. The most information came from Deloitte’s 2023 ‘Gen Z and Millennial Survey’ which is actually a good read if you’re hungry for more. I read all 38 pages for this issue and hit all the highlights, but there’s so much more in there if you’re curious.
Other sources for this issue came from: The New York Times, Pew Research Center, Fortune, Fortune (again), Brides, The Knot, The Knot (again), Forbes, CNBC, Huffington Post, American Survey Center, Care.com, Philanthropy.com, News Observer, ABC7NY, Yahoo, Yahoo (again), Popsugar, Credit Karma, Rental Housing Journal, PR Newswire, Illume, Money Transfers, Exploding Topics, Lexington Law, Daily Dot, Plan Sponsor, and Confectionery News.
Not a ton to report this week other than I bought this absolutely A+ dress on major sale over Memorial Day weekend (which is either for my wedding or the eras tour…), I’m watching Season 2 of Sweet Tooth and The Ultimatum: Queer Love (and enjoying it even though it’s not as delightfully messy as the original show), and reading Without Children: The Long History of Not Being a Mother. I also did something really exciting last Thursday that I’ll share at some point soon.
Instead of my usual “What’s Up This Week” section, I thought I would just leave you with this very relevant Twitter thread (which I found on Instagram, because I definitely do not use Twitter lol):
That’s it for me! I’ll see paid subscribers (and anyone who sticks around after their free trial <3 ) next week, and everyone else in two weeks.
K bye,
Kelly
So, my husband (turning 35 this month) and I (34) have a conversation to this end every 2-7 days on average. The existential dread, ennui, and general millennial thought experiment paralysis is real.
We're in a relatively good position as a couple, simply in terms of having somewhat of a financial buffer due to drawing down on our superannuation (mandated Australian equivalent of 401K) then investing all spare money during 2020. That said, my husband's industry is still decimated from the pandemic and I don't know whether we'll ever be able to afford to permanently live in Australia or Ireland -- the two places we've lived -- ever again.
The other factor in all of this is that we feel dramatically the generational differences between our parents and us in terms of work culture. Whether it's not understanding why we work long hours -- and the shadow work of our jobs and life administration -- or telling us that the only truly meaningful work is hard manual labor, we've heard it all. I know that this factor in particular is hard to quantify in a data snapshot because it's so qualitative and we're not really quite there yet -- that I have found -- with discussing these different generational attitudes to work. On that particular note, I actually gasped out loud when I read the stat about how our generation is proportionally more educated yet we hold less wealth. This is basically how I've felt about working since I turned 30 and had the worst boss ever who never ceased to remind me of my salary at every opportunity he created that no money is also worth shitty work culture. It made me feel like an embodiment of Ali Wong saying, "I don't want to lean in, I want to LIE DOWN".
Lastly, I remember in 2012, when I was a new graduate, googling for a job application what 'high volume tasks' meant in relation to work capabilities. I found a forum that said it's a code for conveying to potential employers that you can do the work of at least three other employees all at the same time. This still haunts me when I think about the fact that for most millennials, we've been doing the work of at least 2-3 other employees for more or less our entire post-graduate working lives.
In closing, your point that, "I think we’re also living in a time warp," is so apt. I think I really started to feel like this in 2021 as I was so sick with both stress-related gastritis (woo) and just overall stress. I remember ranting to my husband "these are the years!" at age 32 as I fretted whether now was the time to freeze eggs. This is all in the same boat as not even being sure if I'd ever want kids while also not being sure if I have endometriosis. At a certain point I realised that this feeling of panic where all I do is think about time is a mush of: freaking out that time is running out every single day converging with a mental freakout that I'm beating myself up for not doing more in the time I've had up until this point. Has our entire adult existence as millennials been a time warp that really started to eat itself from 2020 onwards? I don't know but I'd love/be relieved to find out.
Thank you so much for this issue. I feel a desperate loneliness to all of these things. And yet, I really don't feel as alone when I read a piece like this and I'm so grateful for everything you've so eloquently articulated and researched here. Thank you, thank you, thank you xx
You've done it again. While your bachelorette post deeply resonated and hit on many common threads I have been experiencing, feeling, seeing others experience and feel... this week's post felt like you reached in to the depths of the millennial brain/ego/emotional core and exposed it for all of us to see that we aren't alone. It's easy to see the person living it up, having it all, and feeling like what we have isn't enough or fixating on the place we want to be but aren't. What I love how you called out is- that those sentiments and that disparity in how we are each living our lives is so SO unique to our generation, and I hadn't thought about it that way. Thank you so much for your honesty and beautiful writing. It satiates and fills a void that other content just cannot do for me at present. You're a queen!