kelly, this was so thoughtful. loved reading it, and loved that you sent it to your mom before publishing.
i just want to gently point out the problem with this kind of thinking: "My interest in politics waxes and wanes with how much I feel like women’s rights are being threatened." i think it's important for us to maintain an active interest in policy making and government even if we arent the ones directly impacted. im a feminist, but there's SO MUCH MORE at stake rn: the war in Gaza, the rights of immigrants, the lives of queer folks, the fate of puerto rico.
Thank you Rad! I think your thoughts are totally fair, but for me, disengaging from politics has become something I have to do for my mental health. I vote, I donate, and I speak up on certain issues, but I just can't engage with politics and policy at that level anymore. I do understand if it's disappointing, but it's my reality, and I would rather show up imperfectly than not at all. ❤️
My mother’s issue with Kamala is basically that she resents powerful women. She is jealous that they managed to do what she wanted to do but wasn’t able to because she made the decision to let my dad put his career first. I think she finds Kamala particularly challenging because my mom started her career as a prosecutor and would have loved to be attorney general and maybe even a senator. I think Kamala is proof that the decisions my mom made really impacted her career and reinforces her feelings of inadequacy and disappointment in herself. That said, my mom is phone banking for the Harris campaign today and it has everything to do with how staunchly pro choice she is and nothing to do with the candidate herself. If I so much as mention Kamala she starts off with some variation of “THAT woman doesn’t deserve . . .” followed by some deeply misogynistic take on why Kamala isn’t a good fit because she doesn’t have “a real family of her own” or slept with her boss. I’m glad Trump is who Harris is running against because I can see a world in which she would have voted for someone like George HW Bush or maybe even McCain. Even though she calls herself a democrat the conversations we have about politics are fraught. I love my mom, but I too will be so relieved when the election is over.
Oh god - you’re so right, Liss! And your line about decisions we make in relationships is SO true and gave me chills! You’re very wise. I’m so sorry to hear about her holding you at least a little bit responsible, though 🥲😢
Argh Liss - I’ve been thinking about your comment all day, since reading it this morning! I know so many women who are our mum‘s age that gave up their career - and honestly I totally understand why they resent having to give it up… but it’s such difficult topic isn’t it? I’m not labelling your mum like this at all, but I know so many women and wives that did give it up and now resent their husbands for it… Which I totally understand. I think it’s a wider conversation - but this comment absolutely hit deep - like Kelly said! And it made me really sad for your mum 😢 I’m absolutely generalising here but it’s almost like a stolen future?
I think part of the issue is that it isn’t a stolen future. It is something they willingly gave away without fully knowing what it would mean for their future. All of the decisions we make in relationships chip away at our identity as individuals. When you give away a big part of yourself by not working at all or a little less by pursuing jobs that don’t require the time commitment or energy that is hard for some people. And people don’t like admitting they resent their children or partners for making them make the choice. It isn’t hard for everyone though. People think they’ll be happy enough, but some people feel left behind. My mom continued to work as a lawyer, but as our family grew she moved into working in family law and had a 9-5 job instead of working on flashy criminal law cases. My dad had the big impressive career. It’s hard to have a mom who you know holds you at least a little responsible for her middling professional success. I know she asks herself what if.
This is the first time my dad is voting democrat. Thankfully he hates Trump and everything he stands for. He said he felt dirty leaving the polling place but is glad he did and we are all hopeful there are more like him.
He keeps clinging on to the idea that he is still a republican but his party is not what it was. I actually think he is a lot more progressive than he realizes. He’s very socially liberal, believes in climate change, understands where government is good, etc. But whenever I bring it up, he brings up politics, not policy. I wish I could have him take one of those quizzes that really show him where he falls politically, but I know his unconscious bias of watching years and years of Fox News will take over and he won’t be able to really answer truthfully.
I really thought it might go that way for my parents this year, too! I'm glad to know that it actually did work out that way for some people. It's progress.
i relate to this so much. my mom is a lifelong conservative but i’ve always told her that her values are bleeding heart. she is not a part of the cult of trump thank god, and can see his hypocrisy (she is very family values, christian, etc). she is pro life, even though she herself had an abortion. my late stepdad was staunchly conservative, like listened to rush limbaugh and watched fox news, and would just parrot stuff he’d heard. when he was alive i was able to have some conversations with him where i was explaining WHY birth control was so expensive (no, she’s not a slut) but tbh i am glad he wasn’t able to vote in this election and wasn’t able to get further indoctrinated into the cult of trump. i haven’t watched the documentary yet about fox news stealing my dad, but i know id be nodding along.
I live in Canada in a very conservative province and am watching the election with interest because our premier tends to align with Trump and his nonsense. I am scared for friends and family in America if Trump is re-elected on Tuesday, and I'm also scared for us, because hatred and marginalization have the ability to spread and I'm scared what Trumpian influence would lead to here.
I’m in Ottawa (a pretty liberal city) and I share your fears.
Kelly - all the respect for maintaining a functioning relationship with your parents despite their views, which are very hard to stomach. I don’t think I could do it. If someone is wholeheartedly aligned with that level of hatred and oppression, I can’t have dinner with them.
I relate SO MUCH to this post. My mom and stepdad are also voting for Trump for the the third time. We try and avoid talking politics because, (1) it's hard to have a productive discussion with people who literally believe in a different set of "facts" than you do, and (2) it messes with my emotional health. But I bet if we did, they would say exactly what your mom said, that there was nothing they could think of that would make them vote for Harris over Trump right now. Ugh. I really yearn for a time when Trump is no longer relevant, though I worry that he'll just be replaced by someone equally as bad or worse (like Vance) as the republican figurehead and America will still be this fractured and insane political place for decades to come.
my in-laws are fully invested in trump— they will not only vote for him for the third time but they volunteer with the local republican group in their county and travel to his rallies— they are deep in his cult based on the extreme extent to which being “pro-life” plays a role in their lives. my husband won’t go no contact with them (which i fully understand and respect) but we don’t see or speak to them that often. in the 15+ years i’ve known them, we’ve never talked politics because we are all aware that we don’t (and never will) agree. after jan 6, my husband broached the topic for the last time and it was clear that they are not open to anything that isn’t a right-wing talking point.
we live in nyc and they live in south central pennsylvania and based on some extended family being at their house this past week that we are close with, we decided to go there too. this was the first time we saw them since last thanksgiving.
i must say that after visiting, i feel a lot better about this election. my in-law’s area is notoriously conservative and always goes republican but walking around their neighborhood trick or tricking with my young niece, i saw as many harris-walz signs as trump ones which was a hugely pleasant surprise. hoping for an equally pleasant surprise when all the votes are tallied, although the shenanigans that will ensue if and when trump loses are not far from my mind as well.
My mom is voting for Trump a second time (she voted for Hillary in 2016). She is absolutely consumed with the ideas that “the illegals” are taking all the benefits she should be getting, and there is no information or data you could give her to prove otherwise. At 34 I’m just starting to try to conceive, and she really can’t wrap her head around the idea that I will completely stop trying and not have children if Trump wins and a national abortion ban is in place. She doesn’t believe that women are actually dying due to lack of healthcare despite all the evidence to the contrary. It’s maddening and I can’t get over it considering she’s basing her vote purely on racism. I can only talk to her for like five minutes at a time, and as an only child with a small family it’s heartbreaking I have to distance myself for my own sanity.
I remember in past years really identifying with your feelings of having your parents vote for Trump, and I still do. I too avoid any political conversations with them like the plague lol. Pretty sure my dad is voting for him again. Luckily this time I think my mom may not be, and may be one of those wives who lie to their husbands about how they voted. Which has its own complicated factors but for now ill just appreciate the possible Kamala vote from my mom!!!
My family also votes for Trump, and while I haven’t cut them out, it has changed my opinion of them and we’re not as close anymore. For me it’s not just a difference of opinion—I can accept a different POV on taxes. But I can’t accept the hateful (and factually incorrect) beliefs they’ve adopted over the past 8 years, and how those things slip into even innocuous convos to the point where almost no topic feels safe. And I struggle with reconciling the way they raised me and the way they vote.
I also don’t want kids, and it’s a point of contention with me and my mom, too. She doesn’t think it’s a fad, but she does refuse to accept my choice—she’ll still ask when she’s getting grandkids, and insists I’ll never know joy and my life will have no meaning without kids. (I have plenty of joy and meaning in my life as it is now, but 🤷♀️) She always wanted kids and can’t fathom how anyone couldn’t, and I’ve yet to provide a reason she doesn’t immediately dismiss (including the fact that I just don’t want them, and never have—apparently that will change once hurry up and have them anyway! 🙃)
I really feel for you Cassie! My family has finally stopped badgering me about it (I think once they realized that yes, I am actually completely serious) but I know this feeling so well. Sending you hugs and solidarity!
I can’t believe how much this mirrors my parents. They are in a swing county in PA and it’s madness right now. My partner and I booked it to NYC seven years ago and have so much trouble going home. See you big time. thank you for this x
I grew up in a very conservative household, and it wasn’t until college that I realized you could think and see the world a little differently, or through a different lens. Approach problems in a different way. It caused a massive rift between myself and my family for over a decade — the past five years I finally came to peace with the fact that I can never convince them my way and vice versa, and we’ve finally been able to heal our relationship. It’s hard to hear cancel culture encourage you to break up with your family if they think differently — because as much as it hurts and sucks, it’s just not a reality I can change. What I can have an impact on? Trying to have healthier discourse (working on it), building stronger and more trustworthy ties with my parents, and encouraging honest and open thought sharing. It does not always go well 😂 but the best part is we are all trying. And that feels like a good start.
I can’t tell you how much better I felt about this essay after seeing the line at the bottom about your mom reading it before you published it. It sounds like you and your mom are both educated people who want to have an honest relationship, and that will reliably cause some really uncomfortable moments at times! But I think that’s really beautiful.
I know you’re frustrated with your parents views, I’m in the same boat. But the difference between us is that you have a dialogue with your parents about your differences and I do not. I don’t know if either me or my parents would know how to navigate that minefield. It sounds like it’s been a really tiresome dialogue at times, but the channels are open at least! And it inspires me to work toward the same type of openness with my own parents.
Your mom read this essay, and supported your need to publish it, and that is amazing! It might feel like you’re both ramming your head against a wall, but in some ways it’s a really beautiful thing that you can talk about this at all. I love my parents, but have no desire to open that box of conversations we’ve never had because emotionally, I don’t think I or my parents could bear it. It makes me sad, but I’m maintaining the relationship in the way I know how right now, and I’m giving myself points for that.
Keep going Kelly. You inspire me to at least try to talk to my parents about politics. Maybe it won’t be this election cycle, but who knows what the future holds. I love you! Keep going!
Thank you, Cait! I really feel for you. The dialogue can be extremely taxing and difficult at times, but we keep going. Sending this essay to my mom was obviously nerve wracking, but she supported me publishing it the entire way. Sometimes it's nice to be surprised. x
I can’t imagine what a frustrating situation this is for you to be caught in. But the idea that the mainstream media has a liberal bias is crazy! Look at how they covered Biden and Harris. One weird wobble or misspoken word and it was everywhere. Not only is Trumps behavior not under the microscope, it’s rarely being covered! And when he says something partially vile or inflammatory, the press softens it up, or makes it seem like a reasonable statement. Considering how owners of major news sources are refusing to make endorsement, for what seems like fear of retaliation, the reality is, and tough media coverage on Trump has been watered down and under reported 🤷🏻♀️
The Cut has the most aggressive paywall of all time! I rarely read their articles yet I'm always "out" of reads. Not the point of this post I realize :)
kelly, this was so thoughtful. loved reading it, and loved that you sent it to your mom before publishing.
i just want to gently point out the problem with this kind of thinking: "My interest in politics waxes and wanes with how much I feel like women’s rights are being threatened." i think it's important for us to maintain an active interest in policy making and government even if we arent the ones directly impacted. im a feminist, but there's SO MUCH MORE at stake rn: the war in Gaza, the rights of immigrants, the lives of queer folks, the fate of puerto rico.
Thank you Rad! I think your thoughts are totally fair, but for me, disengaging from politics has become something I have to do for my mental health. I vote, I donate, and I speak up on certain issues, but I just can't engage with politics and policy at that level anymore. I do understand if it's disappointing, but it's my reality, and I would rather show up imperfectly than not at all. ❤️
My mother’s issue with Kamala is basically that she resents powerful women. She is jealous that they managed to do what she wanted to do but wasn’t able to because she made the decision to let my dad put his career first. I think she finds Kamala particularly challenging because my mom started her career as a prosecutor and would have loved to be attorney general and maybe even a senator. I think Kamala is proof that the decisions my mom made really impacted her career and reinforces her feelings of inadequacy and disappointment in herself. That said, my mom is phone banking for the Harris campaign today and it has everything to do with how staunchly pro choice she is and nothing to do with the candidate herself. If I so much as mention Kamala she starts off with some variation of “THAT woman doesn’t deserve . . .” followed by some deeply misogynistic take on why Kamala isn’t a good fit because she doesn’t have “a real family of her own” or slept with her boss. I’m glad Trump is who Harris is running against because I can see a world in which she would have voted for someone like George HW Bush or maybe even McCain. Even though she calls herself a democrat the conversations we have about politics are fraught. I love my mom, but I too will be so relieved when the election is over.
Oh this hits deep!
Oh god - you’re so right, Liss! And your line about decisions we make in relationships is SO true and gave me chills! You’re very wise. I’m so sorry to hear about her holding you at least a little bit responsible, though 🥲😢
Honestly I think everything you said was bang on!
Argh Liss - I’ve been thinking about your comment all day, since reading it this morning! I know so many women who are our mum‘s age that gave up their career - and honestly I totally understand why they resent having to give it up… but it’s such difficult topic isn’t it? I’m not labelling your mum like this at all, but I know so many women and wives that did give it up and now resent their husbands for it… Which I totally understand. I think it’s a wider conversation - but this comment absolutely hit deep - like Kelly said! And it made me really sad for your mum 😢 I’m absolutely generalising here but it’s almost like a stolen future?
I think part of the issue is that it isn’t a stolen future. It is something they willingly gave away without fully knowing what it would mean for their future. All of the decisions we make in relationships chip away at our identity as individuals. When you give away a big part of yourself by not working at all or a little less by pursuing jobs that don’t require the time commitment or energy that is hard for some people. And people don’t like admitting they resent their children or partners for making them make the choice. It isn’t hard for everyone though. People think they’ll be happy enough, but some people feel left behind. My mom continued to work as a lawyer, but as our family grew she moved into working in family law and had a 9-5 job instead of working on flashy criminal law cases. My dad had the big impressive career. It’s hard to have a mom who you know holds you at least a little responsible for her middling professional success. I know she asks herself what if.
This is the first time my dad is voting democrat. Thankfully he hates Trump and everything he stands for. He said he felt dirty leaving the polling place but is glad he did and we are all hopeful there are more like him.
He keeps clinging on to the idea that he is still a republican but his party is not what it was. I actually think he is a lot more progressive than he realizes. He’s very socially liberal, believes in climate change, understands where government is good, etc. But whenever I bring it up, he brings up politics, not policy. I wish I could have him take one of those quizzes that really show him where he falls politically, but I know his unconscious bias of watching years and years of Fox News will take over and he won’t be able to really answer truthfully.
I really thought it might go that way for my parents this year, too! I'm glad to know that it actually did work out that way for some people. It's progress.
i relate to this so much. my mom is a lifelong conservative but i’ve always told her that her values are bleeding heart. she is not a part of the cult of trump thank god, and can see his hypocrisy (she is very family values, christian, etc). she is pro life, even though she herself had an abortion. my late stepdad was staunchly conservative, like listened to rush limbaugh and watched fox news, and would just parrot stuff he’d heard. when he was alive i was able to have some conversations with him where i was explaining WHY birth control was so expensive (no, she’s not a slut) but tbh i am glad he wasn’t able to vote in this election and wasn’t able to get further indoctrinated into the cult of trump. i haven’t watched the documentary yet about fox news stealing my dad, but i know id be nodding along.
I live in Canada in a very conservative province and am watching the election with interest because our premier tends to align with Trump and his nonsense. I am scared for friends and family in America if Trump is re-elected on Tuesday, and I'm also scared for us, because hatred and marginalization have the ability to spread and I'm scared what Trumpian influence would lead to here.
Thinking of you.
I’m in Ottawa (a pretty liberal city) and I share your fears.
Kelly - all the respect for maintaining a functioning relationship with your parents despite their views, which are very hard to stomach. I don’t think I could do it. If someone is wholeheartedly aligned with that level of hatred and oppression, I can’t have dinner with them.
I relate SO MUCH to this post. My mom and stepdad are also voting for Trump for the the third time. We try and avoid talking politics because, (1) it's hard to have a productive discussion with people who literally believe in a different set of "facts" than you do, and (2) it messes with my emotional health. But I bet if we did, they would say exactly what your mom said, that there was nothing they could think of that would make them vote for Harris over Trump right now. Ugh. I really yearn for a time when Trump is no longer relevant, though I worry that he'll just be replaced by someone equally as bad or worse (like Vance) as the republican figurehead and America will still be this fractured and insane political place for decades to come.
So do I! ❤️ I really have hope that this particular "era" of politics will be over when Trump is out of the picture. Only time will tell...
my in-laws are fully invested in trump— they will not only vote for him for the third time but they volunteer with the local republican group in their county and travel to his rallies— they are deep in his cult based on the extreme extent to which being “pro-life” plays a role in their lives. my husband won’t go no contact with them (which i fully understand and respect) but we don’t see or speak to them that often. in the 15+ years i’ve known them, we’ve never talked politics because we are all aware that we don’t (and never will) agree. after jan 6, my husband broached the topic for the last time and it was clear that they are not open to anything that isn’t a right-wing talking point.
we live in nyc and they live in south central pennsylvania and based on some extended family being at their house this past week that we are close with, we decided to go there too. this was the first time we saw them since last thanksgiving.
i must say that after visiting, i feel a lot better about this election. my in-law’s area is notoriously conservative and always goes republican but walking around their neighborhood trick or tricking with my young niece, i saw as many harris-walz signs as trump ones which was a hugely pleasant surprise. hoping for an equally pleasant surprise when all the votes are tallied, although the shenanigans that will ensue if and when trump loses are not far from my mind as well.
My mom is voting for Trump a second time (she voted for Hillary in 2016). She is absolutely consumed with the ideas that “the illegals” are taking all the benefits she should be getting, and there is no information or data you could give her to prove otherwise. At 34 I’m just starting to try to conceive, and she really can’t wrap her head around the idea that I will completely stop trying and not have children if Trump wins and a national abortion ban is in place. She doesn’t believe that women are actually dying due to lack of healthcare despite all the evidence to the contrary. It’s maddening and I can’t get over it considering she’s basing her vote purely on racism. I can only talk to her for like five minutes at a time, and as an only child with a small family it’s heartbreaking I have to distance myself for my own sanity.
That's SO tough Amanda! I'm so sorry. I can't even think the words "the illegals" without my blood starting to boil. Thinking about you. x
I remember in past years really identifying with your feelings of having your parents vote for Trump, and I still do. I too avoid any political conversations with them like the plague lol. Pretty sure my dad is voting for him again. Luckily this time I think my mom may not be, and may be one of those wives who lie to their husbands about how they voted. Which has its own complicated factors but for now ill just appreciate the possible Kamala vote from my mom!!!
I wonder about those people a lot! The ones who have to lie about who they voted for, it sounds stressful!!!
My family also votes for Trump, and while I haven’t cut them out, it has changed my opinion of them and we’re not as close anymore. For me it’s not just a difference of opinion—I can accept a different POV on taxes. But I can’t accept the hateful (and factually incorrect) beliefs they’ve adopted over the past 8 years, and how those things slip into even innocuous convos to the point where almost no topic feels safe. And I struggle with reconciling the way they raised me and the way they vote.
I also don’t want kids, and it’s a point of contention with me and my mom, too. She doesn’t think it’s a fad, but she does refuse to accept my choice—she’ll still ask when she’s getting grandkids, and insists I’ll never know joy and my life will have no meaning without kids. (I have plenty of joy and meaning in my life as it is now, but 🤷♀️) She always wanted kids and can’t fathom how anyone couldn’t, and I’ve yet to provide a reason she doesn’t immediately dismiss (including the fact that I just don’t want them, and never have—apparently that will change once hurry up and have them anyway! 🙃)
I really feel for you Cassie! My family has finally stopped badgering me about it (I think once they realized that yes, I am actually completely serious) but I know this feeling so well. Sending you hugs and solidarity!
I can’t believe how much this mirrors my parents. They are in a swing county in PA and it’s madness right now. My partner and I booked it to NYC seven years ago and have so much trouble going home. See you big time. thank you for this x
Oooooooh that hits extra deep. Hang in there! x
I grew up in a very conservative household, and it wasn’t until college that I realized you could think and see the world a little differently, or through a different lens. Approach problems in a different way. It caused a massive rift between myself and my family for over a decade — the past five years I finally came to peace with the fact that I can never convince them my way and vice versa, and we’ve finally been able to heal our relationship. It’s hard to hear cancel culture encourage you to break up with your family if they think differently — because as much as it hurts and sucks, it’s just not a reality I can change. What I can have an impact on? Trying to have healthier discourse (working on it), building stronger and more trustworthy ties with my parents, and encouraging honest and open thought sharing. It does not always go well 😂 but the best part is we are all trying. And that feels like a good start.
It is absolutely a great start! Trying is all we can do (even when it doesn't go well, lol)
I can’t tell you how much better I felt about this essay after seeing the line at the bottom about your mom reading it before you published it. It sounds like you and your mom are both educated people who want to have an honest relationship, and that will reliably cause some really uncomfortable moments at times! But I think that’s really beautiful.
I know you’re frustrated with your parents views, I’m in the same boat. But the difference between us is that you have a dialogue with your parents about your differences and I do not. I don’t know if either me or my parents would know how to navigate that minefield. It sounds like it’s been a really tiresome dialogue at times, but the channels are open at least! And it inspires me to work toward the same type of openness with my own parents.
Your mom read this essay, and supported your need to publish it, and that is amazing! It might feel like you’re both ramming your head against a wall, but in some ways it’s a really beautiful thing that you can talk about this at all. I love my parents, but have no desire to open that box of conversations we’ve never had because emotionally, I don’t think I or my parents could bear it. It makes me sad, but I’m maintaining the relationship in the way I know how right now, and I’m giving myself points for that.
Keep going Kelly. You inspire me to at least try to talk to my parents about politics. Maybe it won’t be this election cycle, but who knows what the future holds. I love you! Keep going!
Thank you, Cait! I really feel for you. The dialogue can be extremely taxing and difficult at times, but we keep going. Sending this essay to my mom was obviously nerve wracking, but she supported me publishing it the entire way. Sometimes it's nice to be surprised. x
So spot on, Kelly. 💛
Thank you!
I can’t imagine what a frustrating situation this is for you to be caught in. But the idea that the mainstream media has a liberal bias is crazy! Look at how they covered Biden and Harris. One weird wobble or misspoken word and it was everywhere. Not only is Trumps behavior not under the microscope, it’s rarely being covered! And when he says something partially vile or inflammatory, the press softens it up, or makes it seem like a reasonable statement. Considering how owners of major news sources are refusing to make endorsement, for what seems like fear of retaliation, the reality is, and tough media coverage on Trump has been watered down and under reported 🤷🏻♀️
The Cut has the most aggressive paywall of all time! I rarely read their articles yet I'm always "out" of reads. Not the point of this post I realize :)
I've been paying for it for so long I didn't even realize that! I pick articles from it OFTEN lol
Really loved this post, thank you for sharing this.