Argh - I really felt for this person! I completely agree with everything you said, Kelly. You articulated it SO well (as per!).
I do think the societal pressure is MASSIVE and people need to give themselves a break. We are so conditioned to buy a house / get married / have kids. But WHY?!
My friends and I are on the fence and we keep having the same conversations - WHY do we want to get married? Because society says we should? For the wedding? For the party? For the honeymoon? Or for the actual marriage itself?
I know I personally have felt the pressure and I really need to sit down and work out my own WHY?
Had to echo Emily’s thoughts and confirm we’re now internet pen pals 😊.
I think in the US- tax, health and other benefits can be so valuable. Even though im choosing to not have children, I have some chronic medical conditions that mean quality healthcare is often a deciding factor for me in job selection. Having double insurance or a partner with insurance would give me a lot more career, freelance or other options that I don’t have as a single adult.
I do have dual EU citizenship so I’ll move over there eventually to have healthcare access not tied to my employment or a partner/spouse!
I couldn't believe it when I read the statistic about how many people got married in 2020 for health insurance! It's just like wow, has it really come to 1 in 4 people choosing marriage for health insurance??? yikes...
When my father, a DOCTOR, owned his private practice and didn’t have corporate insurance, it was obnoxiously expensive. I think they spent between $40k-$60k per year to cover premiums, co-pays, medications. Etc. for a family of FOUR people.
Health insurance in this country is abysmal.
Don’t even get me started on our experience without corporate insurance pre-Obamacare. It was disgusting.
My partner and I are 30 and have been together over 5 years. We're both in agreement that we don't intend to get married. We live in New Zealand and here there are no real logistical/tax/legal benefits to getting married, so it really comes down to getting married because the symbolism of having a union and then getting to call each other husband or wife is meaningful to you (and, let's be honest, for many people, because they want to have a wedding - no hate if that's you).
For us that symbol has just never really resonated. My parents are in a 30+ year de facto relationship and so for me that's the norm. My partner and I find it pretty difficult to untangle the symbol of marriage from it's religious/unfeminist origins and so we're quite happy remaining in our unmarried state. I totally support my friends' marriages/weddings though - it's just very much a "great for her, not for me" thing.
One thing I'd note though is that it's been surprising how many sarcastic or just blatantly rude comments we get about not being married. We live in probably the most left-wing place in the country but still get frequent "jokes" about "living in sin". The conditioning that marriage = a virtuous relationship runs deep! The worst was when an ex-manager, who thinks of herself as very progressive, told me to enjoy my "single, child-free weekend with no responsibilities whatsoever" (wrong on so, so many levels!). This was after she'd met my partner at least 5 times.
Urgh Phoebe- poor you! Honestly I think sometimes people are threatened when we dont follow the norm / the other lemmings in society! Also - I think she was jealous!
Ps my friend is from Dunedin and I want to get over to NZ asap!
Hi Kelly, thank you so much for this nuanced, empathetic and well-researched piece - I really enjoyed reading it!
One thing I wanted to point out is about the link regarding the potential problems when traveling with your kids when they have a different last name: Although I'm sure those problems occur frequently, a name change service's opinion on the matter might be slightly biased ;). I'm sure there are better sources out there.
In general, I'm interested in your take on the name change issue and how you will approach it for yourself. I very recently got married and decided to keep my last name for professional reasons. I'm an academic, so I have spent the last decade quite literally making a name for myself in my field, which is an accomplishment I don't want to give up. My partner, who's a consultant, feels the same way, so we decided to keep our respective names (the procedure for potential kids is not decided yet, but we're in Europe, where naming kids is a bit more regulated than in the US). Right now, the not-changing doesn't make any difference for me, but I'm still wondering what it would mean in the long term. I think I saw you mentioning this topic in a few sidenotes here and there, but would be really interested in reading about your thought process is this.
Haha! You're totally right. I was going quickly and didn't notice that. I almost linked to a Reddit thread but I felt like that wasn't a sound enough source, but either is a biased one 😂 This is definitely a topic I'm going to write about soon! I've thought about it so much over the past year
Argh - I really felt for this person! I completely agree with everything you said, Kelly. You articulated it SO well (as per!).
I do think the societal pressure is MASSIVE and people need to give themselves a break. We are so conditioned to buy a house / get married / have kids. But WHY?!
My friends and I are on the fence and we keep having the same conversations - WHY do we want to get married? Because society says we should? For the wedding? For the party? For the honeymoon? Or for the actual marriage itself?
I know I personally have felt the pressure and I really need to sit down and work out my own WHY?
Anyway; loved it.
PS - Melinda and I are emailing!!!
OMG!!!! Cue the happy tears 🥲
Had to echo Emily’s thoughts and confirm we’re now internet pen pals 😊.
I think in the US- tax, health and other benefits can be so valuable. Even though im choosing to not have children, I have some chronic medical conditions that mean quality healthcare is often a deciding factor for me in job selection. Having double insurance or a partner with insurance would give me a lot more career, freelance or other options that I don’t have as a single adult.
I do have dual EU citizenship so I’ll move over there eventually to have healthcare access not tied to my employment or a partner/spouse!
I couldn't believe it when I read the statistic about how many people got married in 2020 for health insurance! It's just like wow, has it really come to 1 in 4 people choosing marriage for health insurance??? yikes...
When my father, a DOCTOR, owned his private practice and didn’t have corporate insurance, it was obnoxiously expensive. I think they spent between $40k-$60k per year to cover premiums, co-pays, medications. Etc. for a family of FOUR people.
Health insurance in this country is abysmal.
Don’t even get me started on our experience without corporate insurance pre-Obamacare. It was disgusting.
Such a lovely essay Kelly - very well considered!
My partner and I are 30 and have been together over 5 years. We're both in agreement that we don't intend to get married. We live in New Zealand and here there are no real logistical/tax/legal benefits to getting married, so it really comes down to getting married because the symbolism of having a union and then getting to call each other husband or wife is meaningful to you (and, let's be honest, for many people, because they want to have a wedding - no hate if that's you).
For us that symbol has just never really resonated. My parents are in a 30+ year de facto relationship and so for me that's the norm. My partner and I find it pretty difficult to untangle the symbol of marriage from it's religious/unfeminist origins and so we're quite happy remaining in our unmarried state. I totally support my friends' marriages/weddings though - it's just very much a "great for her, not for me" thing.
One thing I'd note though is that it's been surprising how many sarcastic or just blatantly rude comments we get about not being married. We live in probably the most left-wing place in the country but still get frequent "jokes" about "living in sin". The conditioning that marriage = a virtuous relationship runs deep! The worst was when an ex-manager, who thinks of herself as very progressive, told me to enjoy my "single, child-free weekend with no responsibilities whatsoever" (wrong on so, so many levels!). This was after she'd met my partner at least 5 times.
Living in sin!! Lol. That is... really something. I also love that people think childless people somehow have no responsibilities. Yikes
Urgh Phoebe- poor you! Honestly I think sometimes people are threatened when we dont follow the norm / the other lemmings in society! Also - I think she was jealous!
Ps my friend is from Dunedin and I want to get over to NZ asap!
Haha totally agree! I'm sure she was jealous but also I was like... stop projecting your marital problems at me on the clock lol.
Def get to NZ when you can! Dunedin is gorgeous and a great base to start exploring the best of the South Island from :)
Hi Kelly, thank you so much for this nuanced, empathetic and well-researched piece - I really enjoyed reading it!
One thing I wanted to point out is about the link regarding the potential problems when traveling with your kids when they have a different last name: Although I'm sure those problems occur frequently, a name change service's opinion on the matter might be slightly biased ;). I'm sure there are better sources out there.
In general, I'm interested in your take on the name change issue and how you will approach it for yourself. I very recently got married and decided to keep my last name for professional reasons. I'm an academic, so I have spent the last decade quite literally making a name for myself in my field, which is an accomplishment I don't want to give up. My partner, who's a consultant, feels the same way, so we decided to keep our respective names (the procedure for potential kids is not decided yet, but we're in Europe, where naming kids is a bit more regulated than in the US). Right now, the not-changing doesn't make any difference for me, but I'm still wondering what it would mean in the long term. I think I saw you mentioning this topic in a few sidenotes here and there, but would be really interested in reading about your thought process is this.
Haha! You're totally right. I was going quickly and didn't notice that. I almost linked to a Reddit thread but I felt like that wasn't a sound enough source, but either is a biased one 😂 This is definitely a topic I'm going to write about soon! I've thought about it so much over the past year