#119. Sure, I'd want to be a dad too

Some *thoughts* on a very annoying viral essay, plus a giveaway :)

I was sitting in my friend’s living room mindlessly eating chocolate covered pretzels when she said something that hasn’t left my brain since: “I want to be a dad.” It was so simple, so elegant, and rang with such a clear and slightly heartbreaking truth underneath it. I want to be a parent in a way that isn’t so harshly judged by other people. In a way that isn’t such a physical, hormonal, and mental health burden. I’m pretty sure I want to have kids someday, but I’d rather just be someone’s parent than their mom.

We were discussing a buzzy novel for book club (title withheld to prevent spoilers, srry) where the female main character decides at the end she’s not sure if she ever wants to get married or have kids. We spent most of the story in the mind of a straight white guy in his mid-30s who blindly wants all the things he thinks you’re “supposed” to want and have, which is just one of the reasons why they broke up. He has the distinct advantage of not having certain body parts that have allowed him not to think about procreating very deeply.

Then, a viral essay about whether parenthood ruins your life written by a 40 year-old straight white dude found its way to me. It was presented as “a list of pros and cons for anyone considering procreating,” so naturally, I dove in head-first, excited for whatever delicious slop I was about to read.

I am largely immune from personal essays truly pissing me off in any real way, but this one? Congratulations. This one finally got under my skin!!

Uh oh, there she goes

Shortly after reading, I hastily wrote a reaction essay addressed directly to the author (new dad of a five-month-old baby) that was very unhinged and unfortunately found its way into the garbage can that is my unpublished drafts before it could ever see the light of day. A friend of mine who I trust to tell me when I’ve gone off the rails told me I probably shouldn’t publish it, and I obeyed. But it seriously pisses me off that the guy who listed the one “con” of parenting as not having enough time to play Assassin’s Creed currently has 4,004 likes and 309 comments on his viral trash. I get what he was trying to do – offering his opinion that the joys of parenting drown out all the cons, leading to his absolutely riveting (unspoken) conclusion that everyone should do it – but I think that’s easy for him to say as a man, and I’m just not particularly interested in a middle-aged white guy’s take right now.

My friend reminded me I’d pitched her an essay with this exact same title once, but I’d never gotten around to writing it. So here I am! Sure, I might want to be a dad, too, if having a kid was as easy and consistently awe-inspiring as this fucking guy made it sound. In her also-sorta-viral essay, “Don’t Have Children,” Kate Manne listed “men do not help nearly enough, and having children is why and when women find themselves with a second shift problem” as the second reason on her list of why she thinks women (including her own daughter) should opt out of parenthood:

The majority of women who have children will do so with a male partner (which is not to erase, of course, the significant number of people who have children by themselves or in queer families, among other possibilities). And, despite flattering perceptions of involved fathers, the second shift problem hasn’t budged in twenty-five years: where, on average, he will do less than half the childcare and housework compared to a female partner when both partners work full-time. Tellingly, this disparity in domestic labor tends to begin upon the birth of the couple’s first child. Whereas women acquire vastly more in the way of household responsibilities after having children, many studies show men somehow doing less after the arrival of his firstborn.

It’s true: According to recent studies, women spend twice as much time as men on childcare and housework. Similarly, women – controlled for a lot of different factors like age and parental status – have 13% less free time on average than men:

Across every group studied, men spend more time than women socializing, watching sports or playing video games, or doing similar activities to relax or have fun.

The group with the least amount of free time is 35- to 44-year-old women. Men their age have a full hour per day more free time, and the free-time gender gap is near its peak at this time of life. Women 35 to 44 have 23% less free time than men their age.

Oh cool, that’s my group! Here’s a handy chart!

I don’t think I would have given even 1% of the thought I’ve dedicated to my choice over the years if I had the option to be a dad, to be honest. But I’m a woman, and if I had a kid, I’d be a mom by default. Dads go to the airport with a kid by themselves and they automatically get a “dad of the year” ribbon stapled to their forehead, while moms are always expected to do more, be more, find a way to balance one hundred million things at once. It’s wildly unfair, but that’s life, I guess.

Dads (at least the ones in heterosexual relationships) do have it easier than moms, and anyone who thinks otherwise is fucking high as a kite. I think the viral “pros and cons” list could actually be helpful for a certain kind of man on the fence, but for women? It’s wildly dismissive. And annoying! And completely unrealistic, even if the point is to focus on the joys of parenting instead of its hardships. That’s great, we get it. I keep hearing this everywhere: Parents feel like we only talk about the hard parts of parenting, and I love that for you and your POV, but I don’t agree. And, sorry to be this person, but women in the U.S. are having their rights being taken away by a bunch of misogynistic pronatalists in power peddling a new vision of the “American Dream” that includes babies for every woman, a renewed focus on (straight) marriage, abortion restrictions, and a fucking white picket fence (no red Teslas anymore, though). Focusing only on joy right now is a bit tough.

Here’s Kate Manne again:

The internet has erupted in jeers to the tune that the forecast inducement of 5000 dollars is ludicrously inadequate. And that’s entirely justified. But my message is stronger. Don’t have children, or more children, under the current administration. Maybe don’t have children, or more children, whatsoever. You are not being selfish: you are acting in your self-interest. There is a difference. Don’t let this administration, or anyone else, make you forget it. Yes, there are caveats. But they are narrow and can be canvassed later. Because the truth is that, if you really want to have a child, deep in your heart, then that desire will rightly silence everything I have to say here. I write for those who are resistant or on the fence, but are feeling guilty or conflicted.

We can and we should explore all the sides of parenting when we’re considering whether we want to do it – both positive and negative – preferably at the same time. Pretending parts of it don’t suck isn’t actually helping in the way he (the writer) thinks it might. My friend speaking very candidly on my podcast a few weeks ago about going on Lexapro after she had a baby is helping this conversation. She’s fucking cool as hell with an intense job and everyone who meets her thinks she’s inspiring. “I ain’t stressin,” she said, and I laughed, because that’s so Alex. That shit was real. That’s the fucking point. It is unbelievably refreshing to me when people talk openly about anti-depressants, therapy, etc. If anyone would be able to change my mind about parenthood, it would be her.

Imagine this on an actual totally for serious list of “pros” meant to help people decide whether or not they want children:

OK - you know all those TikTok videos of alpha male influencers telling you to find your purpose and ‘lock the fuck in’? That’s what having a baby does to you automatically. I remember interviewing the actor Matthew McConaughey about ten years ago and him telling me that a man is never more focused, powerful or driven than in the first year after he becomes a father. “Whatever you’re doing, man, just double down” he told me. Turns out, he was right. It’s a hell of a lot easier to lock the fuck in when you’re locking the fuck in for someone other than yourself. Who knew.

Personally, I don’t know any women who have felt more focused, powerful, and driven in the first year after they become a mother, and I don’t mean this as a diss, it’s just reality. Must be so nice for all the dads out there, though! Imagine.

I’m not saying that women can’t be focused, powerful, or driven if they have young kids, blah blah blah, you know this. What I’m saying is that isn’t it so fun to picture yourself in a dimly lit bar with Matthew McConaghey sipping on some kind of smoky cocktail and discussing “doubling down” on whatever you’re currently doing? Like having a baby unlocks some kind of mystical superhero energy to pour into your A-list acting career? I feel empowered even thinking about it. Too bad it’s just a fantasy if you have the wrong set of reproductive organs. Even Alex Cooper admitted on her podcast recently that she isn’t ready to have kids right now because she’s ‘locked the fuck in’ on her career. She does want kids eventually, but I really fucking respect that she said that.

Also? Having a baby does not automatically give your life purpose, bro. It can, but it’s not a guarantee and it never will be. If you go into having a baby expecting it to give your entire existence a new meaning, you might be right, or you might be sorely disappointed. Parents and non-parents alike can (should?) find purpose and meaning outside of having a kid, too. I am growing WEARY of people (men) acting like having a kid is an automatic, one-way, non-refundable ticket to Meaningtown, or its suburb, Purposeville. If you got a ticket on that bus, cool, and if you didn’t, that’s cool too. Nothing in life is a guarantee except that you’ll die.

So, sure. Maybe I’d want to have a kid, too, if I could be a dad and my most top-of-mind annoyance was not having enough time to play video games. But that will never be a real option, so I guess we’ll never know unless AI eventually figures out how to do something useful for once, like getting a man pregnant. Fingers crossed!!

Shifting gears a little bit! I’ve been chatting with Nell Wulfhart, a decision coach who has been featured in New York Magazine who actually helps people decide if they want kids, as well as other big decisions. Since the list of pros and (con) that fueled my annoyed rage this week was totally and wildly unhelpful, I asked Nell if she’d be willing to put together a list of the three things she tells clients most often when they consider whether they want to become a parent. AND! She’s also giving away one free coaching session to an OPT OUT reader. 🕺

Here’s what Nell had to say:

I’ve coached a LOT of people through the decision of whether or not to have a kid. Also people who have one but are debating a second! Also, once, a couple who couldn’t decide whether to have a fifth kid. This is the hardest decision to reverse, so it’s also one of the hardest decisions to make. Below, three pieces of advice that I give everyone who comes to me for help making the choice of whether or not to have a kid:

1. Ask yourself: What matters more to me, fulfillment or pleasure?

Do you prioritize meaning over comfort, or comfort over meaning? I’ve found that people who crave meaning in life, who want reasons for “what we’re all doing here,” are often better suited to having children.

2. You can minimize regret by making the most of the path you chose.

The secret of decision-making is that you can make nearly any decision a success by leaning hard into the reasons you made it. For example, if you chose not to have kids because you want to prioritize your writing, I had better see you cranking out those words!

3. Remember that sadness doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision.

When it comes to virtually any decision that someone has been making for a long time, sadness is inevitable. Sorry! But it’s true. Sadness means you are grieving giving up the good points of the path you didn’t take. Grief over your choice is normal, but it’s not an indicator that you chose wrong, I promise.

If you’re interested in a free coaching session with Nell, leave a comment below! On Sunday, I’ll put everyone into a random number generator and pick one person, then connect you.

Thank you, Nell! ❤️

The comments on last week’s post are the best. Thank you so much to Bethany for making my week with her A+++ comment: “My dessert mental health status is the log of cookie dough that Cher Horowitz dumps unsliced onto the sheet pan in Clueless ahead of her date with Christian, forgets about, and then burns to a crisp.”

Truer words.