#86. Give each other's stuff the same gravity
Some thoughts on friendship when one person becomes a parent and the other doesn't
Today’s issue is really special!! My internet friends Aliza and Aja who write the friendship-centric newsletter
were kind enough to answer two questions that are very on brand for this newsletter, and a few of their thoughts below nearly made me weep. (The timing is also perfect because I am still recovering from the life and mind altering experience that was seeing Charli XCX and Troye Sivan on tour in L.A.!!!!!! Brat summer forever!!)
What is one thing you've "opted out" of, and how has it made you feel and/or impacted your life?
Aliza: Loading (and unloading) the dishwasher. I’ve hardly touched it in six months!(Not surprisingly, this was a hot button issue when I mentioned it to Platonic Love readers a few weeks ago.)
Several months ago, my husband and I began following the Fair Play method, a system (based on Eve Rodsky’s eponymous book) that helps couples balance the domestic workload. It’s applicable whether you have kids or not — Aja and Sam used a similar methodology — and calls for divvying up each household responsibility (from laundry and dishes to thank you notes and holiday celebrations). If you own a responsibility, you own it fully… so Sam makes all the calls on the dishwasher, for example, and I’m totally uninvolved.
This approach seems so basic, but it’s had huge implications for our relationship and our communication. We’re already gotten so much better at letting go and trusting each other. And, of course, I’m grateful every night that we’re not negotiating who’s putting the clean dishes away.
Aja: For the most part: Wearing makeup!
I stopped wearing makeup during the pandemic (when I think a lot of other people stopped, too?) and I have found it so lovely and liberating to do things like rub my eyes without worrying about my mascara, or get on a Zoom call bare-faced without thinking, ‘Shit, I look unprofessional.’ Or, maybe most of all, wake up in the morning, see my face in the mirror, and have it feel like “me” — when I was wearing makeup every day, my non-made-up face felt like the ersatz version.
While opting out of makeup has made me less obsessed with my appearance, I still spend a lot of time and money on beauty. I tint my lashes every few months; I get a blowout before any big work event; and I almost always have a manicure. These things give me joy and make me feel more confident… but that’s also how I used to feel about a new blush or pretty eyeshadow. Honestly, I don’t know how to feel about these contradictions. Would I be happier if I fully embraced my natural self? If anyone has thoughts or tips, please share them in the comments.
How has the fact that one of you has kids and the other doesn't affected your friendship?
Aliza: Aja’s been an incredible friend to me throughout the transition into parenthood (in fact, we’d just started getting closer when I told her that I was pregnant.)
One of the early lessons we learned was how important it was to keep inviting each other to do things, even if the answer was “no” more often than before (me) or if those activities looked a bit different and involved more playgrounds now (Aja). The effort — and the expression of interest / commitment to each other — really matters!
And our friendship definitely continues to evolve — just like the stages of parenthood. I’ve also come to appreciate how important and valuable it is to have friends at different life stages, especially when you’re going through something difficult. Earlier this year, I had a miscarriage, and the resulting complications have led to secondary infertility. It’s probably been the single most painful and difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with… and has come at a time when many of my other friends are getting pregnant with their first or second kids.
It’s all complicated, but having close friends like Aja who don’t have kids (or who aren’t trying to yet) has been comforting while I go through this; it can feel like there’s less I have to negotiate emotionally and can be vulnerable and unrestrained.
Aja: It would’ve been really easy for me and Aliza to drift apart after she got pregnant with Jude; in fact, the night that she told me, I remember thinking, “Wow, I’m so bummed. There goes a potentially amazing friendship.”
Obviously — and fortunately — I was completely wrong, and I’m incredibly grateful to Aliza for continuing to ask me to hang out until I got the hint that she still had time for me.
Another big element of our relationship that’s important: We give each other’s stuff the same gravity. Aliza is just as excited about the wedding dress I bought or disappointed about something I’m dealing with at work as I’m excited about Jude going to preschool or anxious about her medical procedure. I think it can be easy for the parent in a relationship to take up more emotional space, and Aliza has been really, really intentional about not allowing that to happen.
And one final thought: I didn’t anticipate this, but watching Aliza become a mom has made me sooo much less stressed about having kids of my own one day. She continues to show up in all areas of her life — as a parent, yes, but also as a friend, sister, daughter, Platonic Love co-founder, employee, and more. It’s shown me “mom” doesn’t have to be this totally overwhelming identity that doesn’t leave space for anything else.
Thank you, Aliza and Aja for your honesty and vulnerability! I’m honored to know you! x
“Does Substack have a jealousy problem?” by Aja Frost for
This essay is a bit insider baseball (and well timed!), but it was easily one of the best things I read this week. Jealousy and envy apply not only to writers and creators on Substack, though – it feels like we’re almost programmed to compare ourselves to others with social media’s rise to become a part of our daily lives:
“I like to think of myself as supportive and gracious. Capable of working hard for something while celebrating someone else’s success. But I was finding that increasingly hard to do, as Aliza and I spent hours every week on platonic love, getting up early and staying up late to write articles, organize partnerships, and grow the business. All of this was — is! — fulfilling and interesting and sometimes — when we were the ones with the viral article or Substack Reads shoutout — exhilarating. But when it was someone else, I felt irritated and resentful. And that made me feel petty and small.
The only thing that made me feel a little less small? Hearing Aliza was jealous, too. I started to wonder who else was feeling envy and jealousy on Substack… whether it was more universal than I’d realized.”
“How ‘Divorce him!’ became the internet’s de facto relationship advice” by Rebecca Jennings for Vox
I wrote into a very popular advice column two and a half years ago with a question about my (now) husband’s dog. Back then, she was an untrained quarantine puppy and I was having a weeeee bit of a hard time with it – I wanted some advice on how to be more patient and fall in love with her. (She’s my perfect little angel now and I’m obsessed with her!!). I told them kind of a long story that I thought was written clearly, but it wasn’t, and they ended up getting confused thinking something my ex did was something Paul did. Their advice for me? This guy sounds awful! DUMP HIM! Lol. It actually ruined the advice column experience for me and I haven’t written into one since and probably won’t.
“Perhaps nobody said it better than Britney Spears, who famously wore a T-shirt emblazoned with the words “DUMP HIM” in 2002 after her breakup with Justin Timberlake. Two decades on, echoes of the sentiment have become the internet’s go-to piece of advice for women in heterosexual relationships. On any TikTok or Instagram Reel posted by a woman that includes a male partner who looks anything less than ecstatic to be there, the comments are typically flooded with some variation of “divorce him” or a string of red flag emojis.
Taken together, the comments feel almost like the next wave of girlboss or Lean In feminism, where instead of acting more like men in professional settings, women are viewing men as a hopeless cause, treating them the way patriarchy has treated women for eternity. While the practice of “decentering” men from one’s life can be hugely positive for many women, the idea that all men are trash is loaded with essentialist rhetoric that harms people of all genders.”
“Look At These Two!” by Josh Duboff for Bustle
We Live In Time (in theaters now) has been on my list for a while simply because I love Florence Pugh and will watch anything she’s in, but this snippet from an interview with Pugh and her co-star, unproblematic king Andrew Garfield, makes me want to see it even more:
“In the film, Almut is initially adamant that she doesn’t want to have children, and she struggles with balancing her career ambitions with her commitment to her family. It’s deeply personal stuff, which Pugh relishes bringing into the open through the film. “All of the women in my life, we talk about it constantly,” Pugh says of the decision whether or not to have kids. “I remember when I was 18 and my sister was 28, it was a conversation that my mom was having with her. It’s a conversation that all women have: what are they doing, how are they doing it, how are you going to get there? If you are that driven and you want to own the world that you’re working in and you want to feel like you’ve made it and you’re successful, the conversation of kids and when you’re going to do it and if you want it is always in the back of your mind. So I’m very grateful that I got to play a character like that because I am that story, my friends are that story.”
Despite a sloooooooooow first ONE HUNDRED PAGES (thankfully a friend recommended I hang in there a little longer when I was complaining around page 79, and I dutifully complied), this sexy, weird time-travel romance takes off in a big way and finishes with a bang. I adore an unexpected genre mashup, and The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley delivered. If you love stories where the prose takes center stage with a side of unexpected romance, this book is for you.
brat and it’s completely different but also still brat dropped a week ago. It’s not *quite* as life changing as the original, but it’s also really weird and different and good!!
Here are my thoughts on each track you didn’t ask for:
1. 360 featuring robyn & yung lean: Skip, the original is just too good
2. Club classics featuring bb tricks: Hmmm????
3. Sympathy is a knife featuring ariana grande: Incredible, unforgettable, amazing, I want more of it forever, etc etc
4. I might say something stupid featuring the 1975 & jon hopkins: Why am I suddenly crying in the middle of an unhinged ratchet remix album???
5. Talk talk featuring troye sivan: YES you crazy kids, this was the best way to close the show 10/10 loved it
6. Von dutch a.g. cook remix featuring addison rae: It’s mostly a no for me (I am emotionally attached to the original) but I do love Addison’s primal scream
7. Everything is romantic featuring caroline polachek: Somehow even better than the original, how dare you
8. Rewind featuring bladee: Still slaps
9. So I featuring a.g. cook: Fine, but the original moves my soul
10. Girl, so confusing featuring lorde: ICONIC but you already knew that
11. Apple featuring the japanese house: Surprisingly lovely?
12. B2b featuring tinashe: !!!!!!!!
13. Mean girls featuring julian casablancas: Both me and my teenage self still stan this man, but this was the only miss for me in terms of collaborator choice
14. I think about it all the time featuring bon iver: A truly lovely improvement to the original
15. 365 featuring shygirl: No unless it’s 3am and I’m in Vegas (or at the SWEAT tour) – this song opened Charli’s part of the show and the crowd was FERAL
16. Guess featuring billie eilish: I still kind of hate the lyrics but we all know this song is a certified banger. Charli *licked* the stage performing it. Need I say more.
How have your friendships changed (or stayed the same) as one of you becomes a parent and the other doesn’t? What are your tips for nurturing your friendships when you’re in very different life stages? Thank you again to Aja and Aliza! x
I loved this. Thank you so much for asking these questions and opening up the dialogue, Kelly! 💛
"Center-stage prose with a side of romance" is my GENRE; thank you for this highly compelling endorsement (and, of course, the chance to chat about identity and friendship!)