“Is she a villain of feminism, or a seriously stressed out young woman willing to give up her own identity for an easier life?”
The way I see it, the answer is both. We can empathize with the experience of Womanhood in this modern hellscape while critiquing the choices of a privileged individual who is choosing to air her decisions in a public forum (although I’m not advocating for cruelty in the critique). I wasn’t able to actually read the article, so I’m curious - is her argument framed as one which she thinks more women should take? Or is it simply her discussing her decision? The title suggests the former, but I don’t want to make assumptions.
One thing lacking (from your excerpts at least) is an acknowledgement of her own privilege. Not the privilege she has gained from her husband’s wealth and all that comes with it (financial freedom, etc), but from the fact she went to Harvard. Which means she was either from a family wealthy enough to afford tuition, or from a very small population who received financial aid. Either way, moving through the world with an Ivy League degree may not save you from being a victim of misogyny, but it does give you a huge advantage compared to other women. We also don’t know what else played into her relationship with her now-husband (is she conventionally attractive? White? Thin? Neurotypical?). She went to an event without an invite, but she wasn’t kicked out before she could meet her future partner. My point with all this is that she strikes me as an example of someone with an assumed baseline of relative privilege making a decision not available to most women, then writing an article saying “this is an available path for the rest of you out there.”
It’s not fair to put the onus on bettering society on her. Really, it shouldn’t be any individual’s responsibility to move the needle of progress forward...but then again, life isn’t fair. I’m not saying it’s this single woman’s duty to align with feminism, but I do think it’s ok to expect, at the very least, more self-awareness in how one’s actions (again, published on a large forum) support the oppressive structures that cause us harm in the first place. If those of us with relative privilege opt out of bettering society altogether, what happens to those without privilege? What happens to the intersectionality of our values, to community care, to advocating for better conditions for those who will never be able to sneak inside an Ivy League grad event? Sure, life is hard as a woman, but refusing to consider anyone outside of our own narrow perspectives isn’t going to make it easier.
Oh, Kelly - this was a magnificently considered and very thoughtfully written peice.
As someone who feels very similar to you with regard to children and parenthood, this section in particular resonated so deeply: "It doesn’t feel like a “price” or a sacrifice to me, not exactly, because in order to feel like I gave this one thing up in order to have the others, I would have to feel like I actually wanted it in the first place."
I have a well-paying career that I love. My husband is the same age as me but, like yours, has a much more demanding job and pulls in a significantly higher income. I love to support him in his achievement and have also loved the life that his income has allowed us. On most days and in most every way, my life feels full, joyful, and very, very low stress. When I often reflect on how lucky and privileged I am, I can't help but know for certain that if we were to have children, I would absolutely resent him for all of the things that I champion him for. A life with children, and by extension our relationship and possibly my own sanity, would be so, so different.
I ache for my friends with children that are stressed and stretched so thin, and I ache even more so for those that want a family so badly but have not been able to conceive. And I am so grateful that many of life's - and in particular a woman's life - toughest choices simply don't seem to apply to me, by nature of just never having wanted something that other things needed to be 'traded off' for in the first place.
All this is to say - I adore how you have articulated these things that I know innately and think of often.
I totally agree with your (generous) take. Yes, I find the pro-life development odious. The problem with feminism is we HAVE taken on more, not less, and men have effectively not done the work to meet us even remotely halfway. What annoyed me the most about the article was her smug self satisfaction. I found myself googling her and thinking, man, girlfriend, you aren't that pretty, he's totally going to leave you when you start pushing 40 and having nothing to show for yourself. And I realize that my immediate focus on her physical attractiveness was fairly odious too. But, if this man is super hardworking, I find it hard to believe he wouldn't be annoyed by his wife sitting around doing nothing - like what does HE get out of this equation? but I guess maybe there is a class of men a la Donald Trump (?) who just want a woman to do nothing besides look pretty and don't expect any more than that?
Young women who make this kind of choice are failing to look far enough into the future. As an older woman, I have three sets of friends who made this choice and now, while not regretting this exactly, are reaping the downside of an older husband. Husband of 76 with 65 year old wife has Alzheimer's - she can't leave him alone; husband of 81 with 64 year old wife has debilitating back problems and advancing dementia; husband of 89 with 76 year old wife has terminal cancer. Life may be easier now, but be prepared to be a nurse in your middle age and alone in your old age.
Wow, Kelly, this is so fucking good! I haven’t read the piece but holy shit, so many thoughts on all of this.
Firstly, I think there’s an interesting angle to excavate around what happens when we talk about finances in the context of romantic relationships and how this relates to equity in heteronormative, cisgender relationships in particular. Personally, I actually out-earn my husband and have for more or less the entirety of our marriage (eight years). Depending on some factors, largely due to my education, statistically I may well continue to do so. The discourse we receive from people around this makes me really uncomfortable and typically relates to his contributions “as a man”, that his goals are irrelevant (ugh), and mostly just that he should for some reason have equal or more of the financial burden. It’s so weird. And we are both feminists from progressive communities yet here we are! I wonder how we would react to this piece if the roles were reversed and the desire for a husband that earned less, etc., was there. For the record, we are equals in our household in all relevant ways and I am so utterly supported by him which we’ve built through many conversations along with efforts to get this in our home because it’s important to both of us.
Secondly, gender roles according to political values rooted in — presumptively — religious beliefs. It sounds like this wasn’t covered based on the comments here and your essay. I’m conscious of not making any disrespectful assumptions about faith and values however this thread of how her conservatism might feed into wanting to simply be a wife — then a mother in time, too. — is thought-provoking. Having worked in interfaith settings, I know that some faiths still push this very emphatically and encourage it in all kinds of ways whether through normalisation or specific doctrine. When this intersects with factors like personal capital and literally both not having to work nor having a partner who *wants* you to work then that is…interesting. If the values system is then linking in with expectations of parenthood and being a primary, full-time parent then that is also…interesting. I don’t know what to say without more information just that it sounds like a topic that could be unpacked.
Thirdly, this makes me wonder a lot about the machinations of power in a romantic relationship. Basically to say, what happens when a relationship isn’t a partnership and instead it’s a political power and value exchange akin to wealth and security exchanged for trophyhood and submission? At times perhaps one party is exploiting the other and perhaps the inverse is happening at other times depending on context, demands, and levers being pulled? For instance, when I think about the sacrifice of independence for financial freedom, perhaps that is appealing to people who would prefer the acquisition of it through this kind of “merger” versus being their own individual, capital-building “start-up”? I feel kind of shrewd and cynical writing that yet a really cutthroat, objective part of my brain has concluded exactly that. Maybe you get lucky and it’s a love match as well despite the overriding strategic objective being that value exchange for personal gain?
I think my ultimate takeaway is that yes, being a woman in almost every country remains so hard. Especially in pronatalist cultures, nations without health insurance and medical services access, and scenarios where privilege aggressively perpetuates class, inequity, and structural oppression. All of this is awful before we even begin to dig into the ongoing gender inequity, intersectionality, and frankly, womxn being attacked, manipulated, and even losing their lives while simply trying to live their lives. Staying alive as a womxn (millennial here) is a heavy thing.
On another note, I have heard some fellow millennials say mixed things around parenthood like they would actually love just to be able to stop working to be a full-time parent and it not be a societal conversation at all or that they feel like they’ve failed in their career because their priorities as a working parent are to have a stable job that’s well-paid and lets them have the balance needed. Even if we don’t expect to have it all, it also feels like so many of us feel like our approach might be wrong or a failure no matter what?
Life is expensive, being a parent is holistically costly (based on my reading and observations as a non-parent), and then there is no guarantee of anything to reference Anne Helen Petersen’s essay on millennial burnout. I can’t help but come back to Amy’s speech in the 2019 Little Women about marriage being an economic proposition. Maybe now we’re feeling the qualitative and quantitative cost of everything, all the time? I have so much freedom yet often feel overwhelmed and unable to truly be free. That said, womxn have been short-changed for millennia and the rage I feel about it is all-consuming. I’m ready for a colossal change…hence the epic comment! Great piece and conversation starter, thank you xx
Ooo thank you for sharing your take on the article! I also wasn’t enraged by the article, but I just couldn’t articulate my thoughts. Basically I couldn’t get over the author’s take that a beautiful woman is most powerful in her 20’s. I guess maybe it’s not that profound and she’s merely pointing out the double standard that men can age gracefully but women tend to be penalized for aging. I will say I think it has gotten better for women and aging, so I hope it continues to trend that way!
Sixty here. I remember driving to a ‘vacation’ in Florida with a 2 year old and an 8 mo old and reading an essay in Sarah Ban Breathnach’s book entitled ‘you can have it all. Just not at the same time’.
I quit my job to stay home with my kids, sold my car and cleaned houses at night to make ends meet.
I am just now learning what I like to do. What I am passionate about. My values.
I’m not sure it has ever been easy to be a woman. Both my mother (born in 1939) and my grandmother (born in 1910) worked HARD. they were smart capable women. I had opportunities that they never had like graduating from college. Having my own checkbook. Being able to control my own fertility.
These are important conversations and I hope we can hear each others views with curiosity instead of condemnation. With support and care instead of criticism.
Thanks for bringing attention to this article and sharing your thoughts. I agree with lots of what you said and at the end of the day, I wish the writer all the best on her journey because who am I to judge? There are pros and cons to literally everything and also, nothing is forever. Maybe her marriage works for her now and maybe it won’t in the future. Money is nice but it’s not the end all and be all. Life feels really hard right now for everyone, and I say that with full awareness that I have a ton of privilege. The state of the world, the late stage capitalism that I think we are experiencing in the US, the political situation, climate change, etc is all coming to a head and if marrying rich makes the writer feel better about a collapsing world, bless her heart.
Great insight. As someone who’s married to a slightly younger man (only two years, but still) I can’t imagine feeling like you’re on equal footing in a relationship with someone a decade older than you when you’re in your 20s. But also I think a pro-life conservative woman has nothing to say that I want to hear because frankly by having such views it’s clear that this person doesn’t think of women as capable human beings.
Hi Kelly, thanks again for your insights on a hot topic. I, too, fall prey to living in a liberal child-free echo chamber, and your self-awareness (in every article you write) reminds me that my perception of the world is not shared by most people across the country.
I actually didn't read The Cut article, and at first glance, I felt outrage and confusion that a woman would give up her autonomy to a man. But to play devil's advocate, isn't having that choice feminist? Who are we to dictate that she's turning her back on feminism?
That said, I definitely would never choose that life. My independence as a person is paramount, and the idea of relinquishing control (perceived control, since no one can control the universe) is a deep fear of mine. My husband and I went into our relationship as partners (we often joke with the phrase "NO DEPENDENTS"), and I cannot imagine our life any differently. We don't have set lines, but neither of us feels as though we carry more of the day-to-day burdens and share appreciation for the efforts the other does often. Of course, choosing to be child-free is likely the main driver in this, as we are financially sound and live a relatively stress-free life.
Once again, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this so well.
I really appreciated your balanced and well considered take on the article! The first few lines of this newsletter are what made me read the Cut piece after seeing it pop up in various other places.
What I don’t understand is why people are claiming she is giving up her individuality and prospects. Isn’t she taking a stab at becoming a writer and experiencing different countries etc. at the same time, in a way she couldn’t have otherwise? She can always get said „spreadsheet“ job later.
And I definitely agree with her assessment of dating 20-something guys, needing to teach them basic household skills etc..
I am not infuriated by Christie’s essay. On the theme of how hard it is to be a woman: as long as patriarchy and capitalism stay wrong and strong, I will not judge a woman for how she manages to get her bag. I think I’m able to feel this way because as a Gen X, most of these struggles are settled for me (no kids, bag secured, happy with my life choices). I’m also aware that it was much easier for me to “make it” 15 years ago than it is for Millennial and Gen Z women today.
Interesting that you and Paul split finances 50/50 despite making different salaries. We pay proportionally (50/50 decision making though). My husband works more, makes more, and pays more. I clean the house and do the laundry. I consider it a redistribution of wealth from the patriarchy.
Thank you for another great essay! I'm glad you didn't kill it.
So impressed by this piece, Kelly. And similarly impressed by the thoughtful comments. It is incredible to be in community (via the internet) with brilliant women. (Especially the ones who are not blindly pro-life.)
My husband is 8.5 years older than me, so going into reading this article I was like… oh maybe she will have some relatable things to say! And ended with… nope. Everyone has their own story and their own life pursuits, but I just couldn’t relate to her at all.
“Is she a villain of feminism, or a seriously stressed out young woman willing to give up her own identity for an easier life?”
The way I see it, the answer is both. We can empathize with the experience of Womanhood in this modern hellscape while critiquing the choices of a privileged individual who is choosing to air her decisions in a public forum (although I’m not advocating for cruelty in the critique). I wasn’t able to actually read the article, so I’m curious - is her argument framed as one which she thinks more women should take? Or is it simply her discussing her decision? The title suggests the former, but I don’t want to make assumptions.
One thing lacking (from your excerpts at least) is an acknowledgement of her own privilege. Not the privilege she has gained from her husband’s wealth and all that comes with it (financial freedom, etc), but from the fact she went to Harvard. Which means she was either from a family wealthy enough to afford tuition, or from a very small population who received financial aid. Either way, moving through the world with an Ivy League degree may not save you from being a victim of misogyny, but it does give you a huge advantage compared to other women. We also don’t know what else played into her relationship with her now-husband (is she conventionally attractive? White? Thin? Neurotypical?). She went to an event without an invite, but she wasn’t kicked out before she could meet her future partner. My point with all this is that she strikes me as an example of someone with an assumed baseline of relative privilege making a decision not available to most women, then writing an article saying “this is an available path for the rest of you out there.”
It’s not fair to put the onus on bettering society on her. Really, it shouldn’t be any individual’s responsibility to move the needle of progress forward...but then again, life isn’t fair. I’m not saying it’s this single woman’s duty to align with feminism, but I do think it’s ok to expect, at the very least, more self-awareness in how one’s actions (again, published on a large forum) support the oppressive structures that cause us harm in the first place. If those of us with relative privilege opt out of bettering society altogether, what happens to those without privilege? What happens to the intersectionality of our values, to community care, to advocating for better conditions for those who will never be able to sneak inside an Ivy League grad event? Sure, life is hard as a woman, but refusing to consider anyone outside of our own narrow perspectives isn’t going to make it easier.
Oh, Kelly - this was a magnificently considered and very thoughtfully written peice.
As someone who feels very similar to you with regard to children and parenthood, this section in particular resonated so deeply: "It doesn’t feel like a “price” or a sacrifice to me, not exactly, because in order to feel like I gave this one thing up in order to have the others, I would have to feel like I actually wanted it in the first place."
I have a well-paying career that I love. My husband is the same age as me but, like yours, has a much more demanding job and pulls in a significantly higher income. I love to support him in his achievement and have also loved the life that his income has allowed us. On most days and in most every way, my life feels full, joyful, and very, very low stress. When I often reflect on how lucky and privileged I am, I can't help but know for certain that if we were to have children, I would absolutely resent him for all of the things that I champion him for. A life with children, and by extension our relationship and possibly my own sanity, would be so, so different.
I ache for my friends with children that are stressed and stretched so thin, and I ache even more so for those that want a family so badly but have not been able to conceive. And I am so grateful that many of life's - and in particular a woman's life - toughest choices simply don't seem to apply to me, by nature of just never having wanted something that other things needed to be 'traded off' for in the first place.
All this is to say - I adore how you have articulated these things that I know innately and think of often.
I totally agree with your (generous) take. Yes, I find the pro-life development odious. The problem with feminism is we HAVE taken on more, not less, and men have effectively not done the work to meet us even remotely halfway. What annoyed me the most about the article was her smug self satisfaction. I found myself googling her and thinking, man, girlfriend, you aren't that pretty, he's totally going to leave you when you start pushing 40 and having nothing to show for yourself. And I realize that my immediate focus on her physical attractiveness was fairly odious too. But, if this man is super hardworking, I find it hard to believe he wouldn't be annoyed by his wife sitting around doing nothing - like what does HE get out of this equation? but I guess maybe there is a class of men a la Donald Trump (?) who just want a woman to do nothing besides look pretty and don't expect any more than that?
Young women who make this kind of choice are failing to look far enough into the future. As an older woman, I have three sets of friends who made this choice and now, while not regretting this exactly, are reaping the downside of an older husband. Husband of 76 with 65 year old wife has Alzheimer's - she can't leave him alone; husband of 81 with 64 year old wife has debilitating back problems and advancing dementia; husband of 89 with 76 year old wife has terminal cancer. Life may be easier now, but be prepared to be a nurse in your middle age and alone in your old age.
Wow, Kelly, this is so fucking good! I haven’t read the piece but holy shit, so many thoughts on all of this.
Firstly, I think there’s an interesting angle to excavate around what happens when we talk about finances in the context of romantic relationships and how this relates to equity in heteronormative, cisgender relationships in particular. Personally, I actually out-earn my husband and have for more or less the entirety of our marriage (eight years). Depending on some factors, largely due to my education, statistically I may well continue to do so. The discourse we receive from people around this makes me really uncomfortable and typically relates to his contributions “as a man”, that his goals are irrelevant (ugh), and mostly just that he should for some reason have equal or more of the financial burden. It’s so weird. And we are both feminists from progressive communities yet here we are! I wonder how we would react to this piece if the roles were reversed and the desire for a husband that earned less, etc., was there. For the record, we are equals in our household in all relevant ways and I am so utterly supported by him which we’ve built through many conversations along with efforts to get this in our home because it’s important to both of us.
Secondly, gender roles according to political values rooted in — presumptively — religious beliefs. It sounds like this wasn’t covered based on the comments here and your essay. I’m conscious of not making any disrespectful assumptions about faith and values however this thread of how her conservatism might feed into wanting to simply be a wife — then a mother in time, too. — is thought-provoking. Having worked in interfaith settings, I know that some faiths still push this very emphatically and encourage it in all kinds of ways whether through normalisation or specific doctrine. When this intersects with factors like personal capital and literally both not having to work nor having a partner who *wants* you to work then that is…interesting. If the values system is then linking in with expectations of parenthood and being a primary, full-time parent then that is also…interesting. I don’t know what to say without more information just that it sounds like a topic that could be unpacked.
Thirdly, this makes me wonder a lot about the machinations of power in a romantic relationship. Basically to say, what happens when a relationship isn’t a partnership and instead it’s a political power and value exchange akin to wealth and security exchanged for trophyhood and submission? At times perhaps one party is exploiting the other and perhaps the inverse is happening at other times depending on context, demands, and levers being pulled? For instance, when I think about the sacrifice of independence for financial freedom, perhaps that is appealing to people who would prefer the acquisition of it through this kind of “merger” versus being their own individual, capital-building “start-up”? I feel kind of shrewd and cynical writing that yet a really cutthroat, objective part of my brain has concluded exactly that. Maybe you get lucky and it’s a love match as well despite the overriding strategic objective being that value exchange for personal gain?
I think my ultimate takeaway is that yes, being a woman in almost every country remains so hard. Especially in pronatalist cultures, nations without health insurance and medical services access, and scenarios where privilege aggressively perpetuates class, inequity, and structural oppression. All of this is awful before we even begin to dig into the ongoing gender inequity, intersectionality, and frankly, womxn being attacked, manipulated, and even losing their lives while simply trying to live their lives. Staying alive as a womxn (millennial here) is a heavy thing.
On another note, I have heard some fellow millennials say mixed things around parenthood like they would actually love just to be able to stop working to be a full-time parent and it not be a societal conversation at all or that they feel like they’ve failed in their career because their priorities as a working parent are to have a stable job that’s well-paid and lets them have the balance needed. Even if we don’t expect to have it all, it also feels like so many of us feel like our approach might be wrong or a failure no matter what?
Life is expensive, being a parent is holistically costly (based on my reading and observations as a non-parent), and then there is no guarantee of anything to reference Anne Helen Petersen’s essay on millennial burnout. I can’t help but come back to Amy’s speech in the 2019 Little Women about marriage being an economic proposition. Maybe now we’re feeling the qualitative and quantitative cost of everything, all the time? I have so much freedom yet often feel overwhelmed and unable to truly be free. That said, womxn have been short-changed for millennia and the rage I feel about it is all-consuming. I’m ready for a colossal change…hence the epic comment! Great piece and conversation starter, thank you xx
Ooo thank you for sharing your take on the article! I also wasn’t enraged by the article, but I just couldn’t articulate my thoughts. Basically I couldn’t get over the author’s take that a beautiful woman is most powerful in her 20’s. I guess maybe it’s not that profound and she’s merely pointing out the double standard that men can age gracefully but women tend to be penalized for aging. I will say I think it has gotten better for women and aging, so I hope it continues to trend that way!
Sixty here. I remember driving to a ‘vacation’ in Florida with a 2 year old and an 8 mo old and reading an essay in Sarah Ban Breathnach’s book entitled ‘you can have it all. Just not at the same time’.
I quit my job to stay home with my kids, sold my car and cleaned houses at night to make ends meet.
I am just now learning what I like to do. What I am passionate about. My values.
I’m not sure it has ever been easy to be a woman. Both my mother (born in 1939) and my grandmother (born in 1910) worked HARD. they were smart capable women. I had opportunities that they never had like graduating from college. Having my own checkbook. Being able to control my own fertility.
These are important conversations and I hope we can hear each others views with curiosity instead of condemnation. With support and care instead of criticism.
Thank you for a thoughtful piece Kelly.
Thanks for bringing attention to this article and sharing your thoughts. I agree with lots of what you said and at the end of the day, I wish the writer all the best on her journey because who am I to judge? There are pros and cons to literally everything and also, nothing is forever. Maybe her marriage works for her now and maybe it won’t in the future. Money is nice but it’s not the end all and be all. Life feels really hard right now for everyone, and I say that with full awareness that I have a ton of privilege. The state of the world, the late stage capitalism that I think we are experiencing in the US, the political situation, climate change, etc is all coming to a head and if marrying rich makes the writer feel better about a collapsing world, bless her heart.
Great insight. As someone who’s married to a slightly younger man (only two years, but still) I can’t imagine feeling like you’re on equal footing in a relationship with someone a decade older than you when you’re in your 20s. But also I think a pro-life conservative woman has nothing to say that I want to hear because frankly by having such views it’s clear that this person doesn’t think of women as capable human beings.
Hi Kelly, thanks again for your insights on a hot topic. I, too, fall prey to living in a liberal child-free echo chamber, and your self-awareness (in every article you write) reminds me that my perception of the world is not shared by most people across the country.
I actually didn't read The Cut article, and at first glance, I felt outrage and confusion that a woman would give up her autonomy to a man. But to play devil's advocate, isn't having that choice feminist? Who are we to dictate that she's turning her back on feminism?
That said, I definitely would never choose that life. My independence as a person is paramount, and the idea of relinquishing control (perceived control, since no one can control the universe) is a deep fear of mine. My husband and I went into our relationship as partners (we often joke with the phrase "NO DEPENDENTS"), and I cannot imagine our life any differently. We don't have set lines, but neither of us feels as though we carry more of the day-to-day burdens and share appreciation for the efforts the other does often. Of course, choosing to be child-free is likely the main driver in this, as we are financially sound and live a relatively stress-free life.
Once again, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this so well.
Thank you for such an intelligent and interesting take on such a polarising topic. You've given me much food for thought
I really appreciated your balanced and well considered take on the article! The first few lines of this newsletter are what made me read the Cut piece after seeing it pop up in various other places.
What I don’t understand is why people are claiming she is giving up her individuality and prospects. Isn’t she taking a stab at becoming a writer and experiencing different countries etc. at the same time, in a way she couldn’t have otherwise? She can always get said „spreadsheet“ job later.
And I definitely agree with her assessment of dating 20-something guys, needing to teach them basic household skills etc..
I am not infuriated by Christie’s essay. On the theme of how hard it is to be a woman: as long as patriarchy and capitalism stay wrong and strong, I will not judge a woman for how she manages to get her bag. I think I’m able to feel this way because as a Gen X, most of these struggles are settled for me (no kids, bag secured, happy with my life choices). I’m also aware that it was much easier for me to “make it” 15 years ago than it is for Millennial and Gen Z women today.
Interesting that you and Paul split finances 50/50 despite making different salaries. We pay proportionally (50/50 decision making though). My husband works more, makes more, and pays more. I clean the house and do the laundry. I consider it a redistribution of wealth from the patriarchy.
Thank you for another great essay! I'm glad you didn't kill it.
So impressed by this piece, Kelly. And similarly impressed by the thoughtful comments. It is incredible to be in community (via the internet) with brilliant women. (Especially the ones who are not blindly pro-life.)
My husband is 8.5 years older than me, so going into reading this article I was like… oh maybe she will have some relatable things to say! And ended with… nope. Everyone has their own story and their own life pursuits, but I just couldn’t relate to her at all.
This was excellent. Thank you!