As a former wedding planner who once attended 12 weddings in a single month (some for work, some for friends), I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to the wedding industry. I've planned and hosted a bachelorette in London while living in Arizona, traveled for showers, bachelorettes, weddings and even birthday parties. I have also contributed to gifts at all these events and more. Looking back, I would have opted out of being in almost any bridal party, skipped a lot of weddings and events and used the funds for myself. This isn't to say I won't travel or go to weddings and events to celebrate my friends but I am MUCH more selective.
I am mid-30s and single with the idea that maybe someday if I met someone, I *might* get married but after working in the wedding industry, I realized I would be having an incredibly small wedding. My parents would probably get an invite but I'd have an incredible venue ;). This is turning into a bit of a rambling but I would like us as society to incorporate celebrations for things that aren't marriage/children-related, like a promotion, buying a house, starting a company, etc. I joke with friends that when I turn 40, I am going to create a registry to recoup some of the cost of gifts/trips I have spent over the past decades of events. We'll see if I have the nerve to actually do it by then!
Your feelings are valid. I was trying to plan a local dinner for my birthday with 3 friends. It took us a couple months to find a date/time that would accommodate our schedules and then I got sick the week of it. That was 4 months ago and we haven't found time to reschedule since. The world is busy and social media encourages us that we need to do and be all these things when in reality, we need to choose what makes us happy.
For me, that means focusing on finding time and things that bring me joy- travel (solo or with people), career advancement (I am READY for that next title bump) and eventually taking advantage of my dual citizenship to live abroad for at least a few years to make up for skipping a semester abroad during college.
If you get to this point, thanks for reading my meandering thoughts. I think you and Paul should do something to celebrate your bachelor/ette just the two of you. Maybe on a planning trip to Palm Springs, you extend it and go to wine country. Maybe you hire a private chef to cook an incredible meal with special wine pairings. Maybe you take a day an go get massages to relax amid the wedding planning craziness.
P.S. Delaying your honeymoon is one of the best decisions you can make! So many couples have high stress/adrenaline/compromised immune systems in the weeks leading up to a wedding and wind up exhausted/sick afterwards. Focus on the wedding then take time and focus on the honeymoon when you are ready. I'm excited we get to celebrate alongside you with these insightful and thought-provoking updates.
Melinda! Thank you so much for all of these thoughts, I loved them all. Especially the one about society incorporating celebrations for things that aren't marriage or children related. Back in the day I had a joint engagement/graduation party (the first time I was engaged, which happened right after I finished grad school). Literally no one knew it was partially a grad party except like two people! No one really cared. Everyone was just so focused on the engagement, I couldn't believe it. Obvs I wrote an essay about it lol and it was the first essay I ever wrote that got any "attention" and people were surprisingly super split in the comments section, it was wild. I wish it still existed so I could go back and read them all, haha! A lot of people were like, no, people shouldn't / don't care about your graduate degree and that's perfectly normal. I was like... WHY NOT!!! Lol
Kelly, I read that article and loved it! As a simple girl, I connected with your voice in that article. Kudos for sharing your feelings so candidly then and now! All the best with whatever comes next in the Kelly and Paul story. I just upgraded to a paid subscription and look forward to cheering you on virtually.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I recall that essay and very much resonating with the thoughts about the importance of celebrating your academic accomplishment. Clearly I had a lot of thoughts on this issue :)
I’ve got a couple years to build the nerve but am very seriously considering it! Why should I have to buy my own nice dishes or pay for my ‘honeymoon for one’ because I made my life without a partner?
Argh, Kelly, I also had SO MANY thoughts whilst reading this! I really felt for you and as a fellow 34 year old, I know I would feel EXACTLY the same!
This is going to be long, sorry!
I'll start this by saying I live the UK so the travel thing isn't as far for us, BUT, I totally agree on the "reciprocal" point! To be frank, I know I would be absolutely LIVID if friends whose hen do's I went on (sorry, we call them hen do's here!) didn't come to mine! I know I would be!
I've spent THOUSANDS on weddings / hens / engagement parties etc and sorry but I expect that to be reciprocated, I do! Sorry if that's unhelpful, I don't mean to be, but I also know that the rational side of my brain (once I'd finally calmed down, LOL) would be like "ok i sort of get it", like you were, but I know I absolutely would have cried, too! 100%!
saying that though, I have so many thoughts about hen's. I resent the pressure, the money, the threat of relationships falling apart if I don't attend. One of my friends summed it up really well, she's a teacher and so was known for going away for like a month every summer during the school hols. She was at her second wedding of the summer one year and someone said to her: "oh are you not going away this year?" - she said it took all her might to bite her tongue and say "NO, I can't afford it due to all these bloody weddings and hens i am expected to attend!"!
I am also not engaged, or married, but I am with my partner and if we do decide to get married I know I will be very upset if I have a hen and people decline. But, to be honest, I'm going to expect it. It really pees me off but I've been having this conversation with friends for a few years, I think probably to prepare me (lol), but I know for a fact that so many people are going to say no to mine. they'll cite babies probably, which pees me off again as i am childfree by CHOICE! Sometimes I think "god i should have a kid, its such a great excuse",but no, i dont want one (lol).
I've been reading the comments below and everyone has spoken to eloquently about it, and I agree with all of the comments shared.
You've probably thought of this already, but I wondered, could you have a little get-together when all of your guests are at your wedding? like an afternoon drink or just small bash? have you got time?
Saying all of that, I am actually a massive hypocrite as I've decided over the past week or so that I am going to say no to any more hens coming up. HYPOCRITE, I know, but you know what, i'm sick of spending my money on places i don't want to go and friends of friends i'll never see again. for example, I have just been asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend i've known since i was 16. i was pleased, but surprised, as recently she's started taking weeks to text me back (we're all busy hun!). her sisters are loaded and so i know the hen is going to be spenny, so i'm already thinking is it appropriate for me to say no? another friend has just got engaged and i know she'll have a hen, but we're not as close, and I simply don't want to go. (also, i'm not saying your friends feel this way about you, obvs! these are my problems!!). but my point is, i'm sick of shelling out the money. i read this article https://www.newstatesman.com/quickfire/2023/03/no-longer-going-hen-weekends and to be honest, i agreed with most of the points. if its one of my best best friends, i will go, but otherwise. nope.
have you read the dolly alderton bit in her book about hens? quite niche to the UK i think, but to me it sums it up: "Saturday will begin promptly at 8am. Please join us in the Tower of London for a Tudor cooking course”; “We are superexcited to have had chocolate moulds made of a variety of male anuses by the artisan chocolate company Sucre et Crème.”
how i'm going to navigate the politics of saying no, i have no idea, but if anyone has any ideas please say! i'm probably going to say "i can't afford it, as we have a trip planned and i cant do both". this year, my partner has a stag do in Vegas (we live in the UK, this is obviously FAR!) I resent it as its meant that we couldn't go away together this year, he can only afford to do that. that stag and the subsequent wedding have dominated our year and its made me so resentful. (again, not saying yours is this! just that this was ridiculous!)
anyway, sorry, this was a massive rant but i agree with everything you said and i know i would be so conflicted, upset yet accepting! it just feels an absolute minefield, and as per, instagram has made everything ten times worse!
p.s. i am LOVING hearing all about your process and cant wait to read more and then see all the wedding photos :):)
also i completely agree with someone else;s point below about the only milestones we celebrate being ridiculous - i recently got a promotion and no one cared! because it wasnt a marriage, a house, an engagement or a baby! i was so annoyed! i might not do any of those things! so now when friends have milestones that arent societal, i make a HUGE fuss! urgh!
Okay first of all, congratulations on your promotion! I CARE!!! Seriously, I care. We all need to celebrate women for doing things other than getting married and procreating. So congrats, I'm sure it was very well deserved and probably overdue.
Second of all, your response made me laugh so thank you!! I know that so-frustrated-its-funny feeling well, haha.
If it helps, I think saying no to a bachelorette/hen do is totally fine, just be calm and straightforward and honest about it. One of my friends texted me IMMEDIATELY to say that she wouldn't be able to come (I mean she said she was super busy and would try but I wasn't born yesterday, I know what that means) and I think that approach really helped me a lot. I'm personally not a fan of it being dragged out forever just for it to end up being a sorry but no, just stick the knife in clean and fast, you know? Just make sure to be really kind about it when you're delivering the news and I think you'll be fine! You can spend/not spend your money and time how you want to.
Emily- I would absolutely love to chat offline- I feel like we have so much in common.
Regarding declining a hen-if you’re attending the wedding, simply say you can’t wait to celebrate her big day but won’t be able to attend the pre-wedding festivities. You want to prioritize your time, energy and finances on being there for her actual wedding and if you went to all the other events, that would not be feasible.
For declining bridal parties- I ALWAYS ask what is expected and what the costs will be. I am at the age where I will say yes for the closest of close friends (and I guess if my brother gets married and his partner asked, I’d probably say fine!). Unless you’re a dearly close friend, I’m likely not going to any events besides the wedding. AND I likely won’t travel to your wedding. We have such limited pto in the US- I don’t want it all going to celebrate other peoples’ love rather than celebrating my break from work!
I hope this doesn’t come across as bitter/overly negative. I love weddings. I love my friends. I’m just not in love with prioritizing my funds/time on their trips/events over my own wants/desires.
I think this all comes after therapy and growing up, and losing some friends due to wedding related issues. I prioritize me. End of story. Nobody else will.
Kelly, I'm not one to comment on the internet but reading this essay I couldn't not. I'm not in your situation but I relate to your feelings nonetheless. I'm 35, getting over a breakup with someone I was thinking about the future with, and have been to nearly 40 weddings and 10 bachelorettes in the last decade. This is not a complaint; I made the decision to attend all of those events knowing that they would be expensive. I was fortunate enough to be in a situation where I could fly across the country (and the world, literally...to Indonesia) to celebrate and be with my friends. That said, as I think about my own future and what will happen when, as you said, it's "my turn," (while I'm a sarcastic east coast lawyer I'm also a secret hopeless romantic) I'm immediately hit with the complex and contradictory emotions you talk about. As someone who isn't comfortable being the center of attention I don't think I'll want a big celebration but, what if I do? Should you be unable to have one just because you're in your 30s or 40s? Am I too old for all of it? While my initial response to these questions is "f*** the patriarchy!" it's much more nuanced and I so appreciate your vulnerability because I don't believe there is a right answer.
Objectively, I know my friends' and my lives are in dramatically different places than when I attended my first bachelorette party when I was 27. And yes, before you ask, it was in Nashville. But if you're 34, or 39, or 44 and want to celebrate with your friends, it, frankly, sucks to think that just because you found your person "later in life" (which is total crap, we have many years ahead of us as long as the Canadian wildfires don't swallow us all) that somehow you missed the boat on that moment if it's something that you want. Although I have a myriad of thoughts on the juggernaut of the wedding industry and all the events that go along with it, not having those celebrations or not having people be able to be there, even for legitimate reasons, feels like another way that society is punishing women for not being married by 30, if ever. It's like if you don't meet your other half in Econ 101 during freshman year or at a bar when you're 24, you're excluded from being celebrated equally.
What struck me so much about this essay is the feeling of being "too old" to feel like we should be celebrated, whether it's for weddings or jobs or graduations or buying a house or, in some cases, not getting married because walking away is an incredibly brave thing to do. Have weddings gotten out of hand? Overall, yes. Are there bigger, more important things happening in the world right now? Absolutely. Should we celebrate those promotions and new houses and brave decisions more? HELL yes. But at the same time, that doesn't mean that we should feel guilty for wanting to be surrounded by those we love and be reminded that we are loved in return. While I don't think you'll regret missing out on a typical bachelorette party, I'm sorry that your friends can't make it. You can be a strong, independent woman who's forming her own traditions with a supportive, loving partner and still be sad that you can't drink wine in the sunshine with your friends. Two things can be true. Life is hard and sometimes all you need is time with your people to fill your cup, both figuratively and literally. I hope you do get to have a celebratory dinner in LA or something along those lines because, from what I've read, you deserve it. I don't know if this will speak to you like it did to me but sometimes, when I get down about dating and love, I think of what a friend told me about her wedding. She loved her wedding and had an amazing time, but it wasn't the best day of her life. She said there are other days that were better because they were quiet or special or surprising or filled with moments that she needed at the time. Your wedding will be amazing, but, as she said, "it's just another day."
Well there I go with the waterworks again! Sam, this was just the most eloquent thing ever and exactly what I needed to read today. You are wonderful. You said it better than I did. Thank you 🥲😭
Just got married last year and my husband did a bachelor party but I didn't do a bachelorette. We came off a very busy fall of travel (back to back weekends constantly for months), and I was super burnt out on travel. My best friend was pregnant so we had a limited time before she couldn't fly, and it all just felt forced to me at the time. I told them I will hold them to a girls trip sometime in the future, but I just couldn't ask them all to pay for a trip that I wasn't even stoked about. That being said, sometimes I am a little sad about it and it is 100% because of social media and feeling like I "missed out". Wanted to share that you aren't alone in your disappointment or sadness even when we try to make the best logical decisions at the time!
Thank you for saying this Katelyn! I just saw YET ANOTHER bachelorette party on Instagram and felt a little twinge of fomo and I had to suppress it lol
Wow Kelly! Thank you for so accurately encompassing the feelings I have about planning all of my wedding events after my recent engagement (last weekend!!) at 32. All of my best friends are currently pregnant, have children, or are TTC and a recent move has taken me states away from my close circle. The looming idea of “what will people be willing to do for my wedding?” that we think will be in Italy (we know this will be a BIG ASK) has been daunting, and I already can see the amount of regrets we’ll get when invitations eventually do go out months from now. I have also shown up to countless showers, bachelorettes, engagement parties/dinners with enthusiasm, gifts in hand, excited to celebrate my friends and it doesn’t feel great to know they might not have the capacity to do that for me and that I might have missed my chance because I happened to meet my guy at 31, instead of 25 or in college like my friends.
A friend of mine who got married last summer in a destination wedding did her bachelorette a little differently and just asked that a few of us come into town one night early to do a spa day/dinner. It was a lovely way to celebrate her, spend the day together, and get to know the other people we’d be dancing the night away with at the wedding. I feel like this could work for your situation, though I don’t want to feel pushy with my suggestion.
But truly thank you for saying the unsaid when it comes to getting married in your 30s and what happens when the expectations we have don’t always get met.
First of all, so happy for you on your engagement! ENJOY IT! I love the idea of having friends come in a night early, that's really smart and doesn't require as much as a full on bachelorette party would. Trust me when I say I get how you feel regarding all of this with moving, friends being pregnant or having young kids, etc etc yay for being in our 30s haha
I love this article Kelly. I relate on so many levels (I used to be engaged and planned a whole entire wedding, went wedding dress shopping, sent out save the dates etc) only to end the relationship about three months before the wedding. I’m now in a great relationship and we are coming up on 2 years and I’ve thought about how my perspective has changed on what I’d want for a wedding, Bachlorette etc and I love reading someone else's perspective who is in a similar situation. I think it’s so fair of you to feel sad and disappointed about not having the Bachlorette party that you really wanted. I feel like we only hear stories about how wonderful and perfect and “I wouldn’t have it any other way” other people’s wedding and bachelorette parties are…not sure if I’ve actually ever read someone give an honest account of when their wedding or bachelorette was actually not great. For me, I’ve felt so much anxiety and pressure that it needs to also be like that or it means that there’s something wrong with my life or wrong with me. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing how you actually feel. I feel like it’s actually honestly eased my own anxiety and expectations. I don’t know if this is something that might help you, but sometimes I think back to my friends wedding and parties and now that a few years have gone by I realize everything just ends up being relatively insignificant. And things that felt like a big deal at the time just kinda lose their importance. So even if something doesn’t turn out how you want it to, I do believe in the end it doesn’t change much in the grand scheme of things. Much love and well wishes for the rest of your planning!
Jean, I am with you on wanting to hear perspectives on big events people regret (they have to be out there!) The closest I've gotten is one of my friends who had a perfectly lovely wedding said..."it was nice enough but it was just a very expensive day that went by really fast"/kind of hitting on the insignificance of it in the long run that you alluded to.
Thank you for all of these thoughts Jean! I think you're so right that a lot of these things that feel really important at the time are pretty insignificant in the long run... not that we aren't allowed to want things, but I think it's really good to have perspective about the world and how the importance of things changes over time. If you ever do decide to have a wedding, do it exactly how you want!
I love all of your thoughts on this and agree in so many ways. Especially the “I do this for you and eventually you’ll do this for me” type of thinking with these life events. I’ve spent THOUSANDS of dollars on weddings, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, etc for friends but I don’t necessarily want anyone to do that for me.
I recently turned down a bachelorette party for one of my closest friends and it was so hard to do but I had to. It was going to cost over $2k, would require a non direct flight (~5 hours total) plus 2 hour drive. Not to mention I’d be sharing a room at the AirBnB with someone I don’t know, and I’d have to take two days off of work. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and do this weekend six months in advance which felt fast for me - I already had other things planned and booked in the coming months and there just wasn’t a way I could make this work. I should also note that I have to travel for her wedding weekend as well, taking time off, hotel is $200+/night, etc. She was super nice about it and totally understood but I still feel horrible! The main issue I see is that with wedding related events becoming more out of control, showing up for your friends and being supportive (the whole point!) is becoming a time consuming and financial nightmare.
Wow!!! "A time consuming and financial nightmare" feels like exactly what I'm coming to realize a lot of wedding-related events are to many people right now. It's crazy and a bummer all at the same time!
Also I'm just coming back to say, the bachelorette party was going to cost over $2K PER PERSON?! And a NON-DIRECT FLIGHT?! Sorry my head was about to explode lol
"A time consuming and financial nightmare" -- This is how I'm starting to feel! Especially by your mid-thirties you just feel so burnt out on the whole charade of bachelorette parties/weddings. I have spent SO much money on bachelorette parties and weddings over the years I'm starting to feel like the giving tree - I give and give and give and still people want MORE. A bachelorette party and a wedding aren't enough, there's also an engagement party, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, etc. And people want hyper-specific dress codes for their weddings now, too! In the last year I've gone to both a "colorful South American fiesta - no black!" themed wedding and a "Boho Coachella Valley chic" wedding, which only adds to the expense and stress.
And to top it all of, I have to go stag to these events, which makes everything even harder both emotionally and financially. It's starting to make me feel resentful of my friends which then leads to me feeling SO guilty -- shouldn't I be happy to support my friends? It's just a lot.
Alaina I found this so interesting - I've also just been asked to be a bridesmaid and I don't want to go on the hen/bach. how did you say no? did you just say you had other things planned and couldnt make it work? i'm terrified of the fall-out / repercussions if i say no!
I was also terrified! I basically told her that I ran the numbers and looked into all the details and when it added up I just couldn’t make it work financially. I told her I would take her out one night when she’s back in town for her bridal shower as a mini bachelorette so I can still spend some quality time with her to celebrate!
I am so glad you wrote so honestly about this experience! I got married 5 years ago and had a bachelorette party but I can still remember the exact location I was standing when one of my besties called to tell me she couldn't make it. She had incredibly valid reasons, I didn't doubt her love for me for a moment, but it still felt kind of earth-shaking to realize that the bachelorette party I had dreamt about (via social media stalking) was going to be made up of real human friends with real human lives and tons of their own commitments. It's a big ask! This brings me to thought number 2 which might be a bit controversial but:
I think a bachelorette party only really works when it's slightly traditional. I.e. it's only for one member of the couple. It's sometimes easier to agree to a trip when you know you won't be overshadowed by the groom. In my mind, a bachelorette party is a way to very loudly let your friends know they are a super important part of your life, you need their support, and you adore being with them. As much as we don't like to admit it, a wedding is a huge moment to say your spouse is your #1 person, and with that comes a tinge of grief from your friends. Adding your future spouse to the bachelorette party just turns it into a second big event reminding everyone that you are a joint package now. I've been to a joint bachelor/bachelorette party which was fun but I didn't leave feeling any closer to the bride because there were no silly secrets spilled, no extra time snagged without her boo there, it just wasn't the same at all! I think a dinner in LA with your closest friends might achieve this bonding goal even better than your original plan and could end up being a really special time. I'm so sorry you aren't getting the party you envisioned (and are low-key owed after the ways you've shown up for all your friends in the past!) but I hope you get an evening you'll always remember.
Thank you so much for sharing your honest feelings about this and opening up a space for everyone to talk about the big emotions that hide inside our big life events!
Thank you for sharing all of your emotions, and I hope you know you are validated in each one! Behind every incredible picture we see, there’s a good chance there was a level of disappointment that went on behind the scenes that doesn’t get captured. I love that you keep it real, and am so optimistic for you with all that’s still to come!
As per usual your post deeply resonates lol. I am also 34 and have felt a bit of resentment towards friends for my having spent so much $$$ and time going to their events when I have never held one of these large occasions. I don't have a big one currently planned but if I do get engaged again (I also had a breakup around the same time as yours), I really can't imagine asking many (if any) people to travel for a bach party. Frankly, even asking a lot of people to travel for a wedding feels kind of icky to me; my friends are spread all across the US and Europe. I think maybe part of it is the anticipation of being disappointed/sad in people saying no (even if it's for understandable reasons)- but a big part is that I am coming to terms with the fact that I think I am okay with doing things on my own terms, possibly eloping or having a small wedding with like 5-10 people. Now that I think about it, I've always enjoyed trips with a smaller group of 2-3 anyways - easier to plan logistics, my introvert self doesn't get as drained, and more opportunity to connect personally with people. In sum, you put it perfectly when you said your younger self is the devil on your shoulder telling you to be disappointed - but if you shut her up, you're actually fine :)
Absolutely doing things on your own terms is the way to go. Thank you for these thoughts!! We have had a few important people say no already to our wedding and it was really really disappointing for sure. I find it almost impossible to predict what people are going to want to prioritize but I've come to realize more and more that it's really none of my business, even though sometimes it hurts a little haha
I got married at 28 - kinda young, kinda not? I was the first among my friends to get married so I think I had, in a sense, "first mover's advantage" haha. My 2 closest friends (the only ones I would have wanted at a bach) were SUPER enthused, and while we booked a giant castle-y villa in Rajasthan, Covid rules meant that we had a tiny little bachelorette IN MY BEST FRIEND'S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - sheltering-in-place while her grandmother cooked delicious South Indian breakfasts for us every morning. We paid for our own travel, but obviously meals were free because we were at my friend's parents' home. My friends decorated the room, bought champagne, got me a cake etc. Anyway it was kinda childish and wild and totally hilarious and fun. SO! Maybe you could just do a sleepover weekend with a couple friends and call it a day!
A tiny bachelorette in your best friend's childhood bedroom now THAT has to be a first!! Honestly sounds like you made the best out of it though, it actually sounds really sweet? Lol!
Oh Kelly. I identified so deeply with every single word you wrote here. I had so many similar feelings around my bachelorette ahead of my wedding in June 2022. My husband I have been together for 13 years, since we were 23, and for so many reasons we just didn't end up getting engaged until we were ready in 2019. Then of course our wedding got impacted by COVID, and by the time we had our big wedding in 2022 we had already gotten legally married in 2020 and everything just felt so different than I imagined. So many of my friends got married in 2016 when we were about 29/30 and often times I find myself wishing that we had gotten married then when we all went all out for each others' weddings, stayed out later, etc. By the time my bachelorette came around people started pulling out and all of the air just felt so let out of the balloon. Like you, I'm the friend who has never turned down anyone else's wedding requests and hoped others would give their all when it was my time. I ended up with a weekend trip with 3 of my closest friends, and even though it wasn't as "fun" as I imagined in my 20s it would be one day, I tried to remind myself that time with friends is so special, especially when we live all over the country. Even at my wedding, one of my best friends who was giving a toast couldn't come with 48 hours notice because he and his husband got covid. My other friend came solo so her husband could stay home with the kids. It goes on. BUT, we had the most perfect wedding day with the most gorgeous weather (we live somewhere where that is NOT a guarantee), and the most joy I have felt in ages.The high of that day, the joy of seeing so many friends and family that we hadn't seen in years at that point due to COVID, it's something I'm truly never going to forget. All of my disappointments about everything wedding related along the way and how I felt like others weren't as excited for me, is eclipsed by the wedding day and the happiness my husband and I felt and I think and hope for you that you will find that too! Your feels are so valid and felt by those of us getting married into our 30s, you're not alone! Sending you all the best vibes for your wedding and hoping you find lots of little ways to celebrate with friends and your fiance along the way <3
Sofia you get it!!! Thank you so much for all of this and I'm so sorry you've experience that "air let out of the balloon" feeling, I know exactly what you mean. I hope our wedding is as happy and amazing as yours was, I have a good feeling it will be :)
I too, got married at 34 and my husband and I eschewed many of the same traditions you did (no bridal and groom party, no sleeping in separate rooms the night before, no bachelor/ette parties, etc). I also had a good number of guests who needed to take a long plane ride to California for our wedding, as well as some close friends who were pregnant/had newborns and we simply did not feel the need to make anyone feel pressure to do any additional travel. Instead, we had a welcome dinner the night before the wedding with our families and all of the out of town guests and we really enjoyed the ability to connect with all the important people in our lives the evening before the wedding and never felt like we missed out on anything by not having bachelor/ette parties. We also had our photographer and videographer attend the welcome dinner as well and I love the footage that was captured from that evening.
I love that! We're doing a very similar welcome party, although we don't currently have a photographer coming. I'm very glad to hear you have no regrets about missing the bachelor/ette parties though :)
Everyone’s comments summed this whole thing up so well - my fiancé have gone back and forth for 9 months on whether or not to even have a wedding and now having read this post, I think part of it for me is that it just feels like an awful lot to ask of everyone and to ask of ourselves
Totally agree. I had no idea to what extent until I got pretty far into the process! The idea of "big asks" is just a big / really relevant topic right now I think
Maybe this is a bit of a tangent but I've seen similar comment threads here and I wanted to chime in lol. I'm 29 and single, so I've already seen a decent number of weddings and bachelorette parties. I willingly agreed to go to them all, spend the money on them, and I love all of those people involved.
Weddings are seen as this totally justifiable reason to gather and hang out. It just kinda sucks that people in their 30s+ don't have the same opportunity to gather all their loved ones in one place and celebrate, either because you're single or engaged but your friends are in different life stages now. Are we just screwed if we miss the boat on finding The One earlier on? Or if we have no real interest in dating? If you're single or engaged and *tried* to do that in your 30s and your friends turn you down, it stings that you won't get the reciprocal effort that you put in heavily in your 20s for their weddings and bachs.
I don't think friendships are transactional by any means but I do think there is a huge emphasis put on the "nuclear family." There's a broader conversation to be had about how friends in different life stages (whether by choice or it just hasn't happened for them yet) interact with each other. Friends are important—we need to prioritize them and think about the effort we're putting in.
And this is important to think about considering that the population of people choosing not to get married/be single and childfree is increasing, which means our friends are *very* likely to be in different life stages. Singlehood percentages are spiking for all adults. According to a 2020 survey by the Pew Research Center, nearly a quarter of American adults ages 30 to 49 are single (never married or not dating anyone seriously). Nearly 44% of adults aged 18 to 49 say they think it’s unlikely they ever will. (Sources 1+2)
"Too often in American culture, friendship is viewed as an accessory of youth. When we’re young, we are encouraged to develop friendships, but upon reaching adulthood these relationships receive far less attention. We devote the bulk of our time and energy to finding one person, a romantic partner or spouse, rather than building out a robust and durable social circle.
As a result, the time we devote to friendship peaks in our late teens and declines sharply during our 20s. Yet, study after study shows that these relationships are critical to maintain throughout our life. Moreover, we tend to be happier in our marriages when we have at least some good friends outside of our relationship, perhaps because we don’t rely exclusively on our spouse for emotional support." (Source 3)
There have been large-scale studies conducted that demonstrate this effect. "The models show that marriage does not affect weaker ties whereas it does change the nature of the stronger ties that people have: friendships become less important and more. Parenthood entails a shift toward more local ties: there are negative effects on friendships and acquaintances but these are compensated by positive effects on neighbors." (Source 4) People who are single tend to have more friends and are better at maintaining their friendships than married people. (Source 5)
"One could argue that modern life conspires against friendship, even as it requires the bonds of friendship all the more ... I mean, how long can we all keep postponing dinner? ... This is, mind you, how most friendships die, according to the social psychologist Beverley Fehr: not in pyrotechnics, but a quiet, gray dissolve. It’s not that anything happens to either of you; it’s just that things stop happening between you. And so you drift." (Source 6)
As a former wedding planner who once attended 12 weddings in a single month (some for work, some for friends), I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to the wedding industry. I've planned and hosted a bachelorette in London while living in Arizona, traveled for showers, bachelorettes, weddings and even birthday parties. I have also contributed to gifts at all these events and more. Looking back, I would have opted out of being in almost any bridal party, skipped a lot of weddings and events and used the funds for myself. This isn't to say I won't travel or go to weddings and events to celebrate my friends but I am MUCH more selective.
I am mid-30s and single with the idea that maybe someday if I met someone, I *might* get married but after working in the wedding industry, I realized I would be having an incredibly small wedding. My parents would probably get an invite but I'd have an incredible venue ;). This is turning into a bit of a rambling but I would like us as society to incorporate celebrations for things that aren't marriage/children-related, like a promotion, buying a house, starting a company, etc. I joke with friends that when I turn 40, I am going to create a registry to recoup some of the cost of gifts/trips I have spent over the past decades of events. We'll see if I have the nerve to actually do it by then!
Your feelings are valid. I was trying to plan a local dinner for my birthday with 3 friends. It took us a couple months to find a date/time that would accommodate our schedules and then I got sick the week of it. That was 4 months ago and we haven't found time to reschedule since. The world is busy and social media encourages us that we need to do and be all these things when in reality, we need to choose what makes us happy.
For me, that means focusing on finding time and things that bring me joy- travel (solo or with people), career advancement (I am READY for that next title bump) and eventually taking advantage of my dual citizenship to live abroad for at least a few years to make up for skipping a semester abroad during college.
If you get to this point, thanks for reading my meandering thoughts. I think you and Paul should do something to celebrate your bachelor/ette just the two of you. Maybe on a planning trip to Palm Springs, you extend it and go to wine country. Maybe you hire a private chef to cook an incredible meal with special wine pairings. Maybe you take a day an go get massages to relax amid the wedding planning craziness.
P.S. Delaying your honeymoon is one of the best decisions you can make! So many couples have high stress/adrenaline/compromised immune systems in the weeks leading up to a wedding and wind up exhausted/sick afterwards. Focus on the wedding then take time and focus on the honeymoon when you are ready. I'm excited we get to celebrate alongside you with these insightful and thought-provoking updates.
Melinda! Thank you so much for all of these thoughts, I loved them all. Especially the one about society incorporating celebrations for things that aren't marriage or children related. Back in the day I had a joint engagement/graduation party (the first time I was engaged, which happened right after I finished grad school). Literally no one knew it was partially a grad party except like two people! No one really cared. Everyone was just so focused on the engagement, I couldn't believe it. Obvs I wrote an essay about it lol and it was the first essay I ever wrote that got any "attention" and people were surprisingly super split in the comments section, it was wild. I wish it still existed so I could go back and read them all, haha! A lot of people were like, no, people shouldn't / don't care about your graduate degree and that's perfectly normal. I was like... WHY NOT!!! Lol
Kelly, I read that article and loved it! As a simple girl, I connected with your voice in that article. Kudos for sharing your feelings so candidly then and now! All the best with whatever comes next in the Kelly and Paul story. I just upgraded to a paid subscription and look forward to cheering you on virtually.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I recall that essay and very much resonating with the thoughts about the importance of celebrating your academic accomplishment. Clearly I had a lot of thoughts on this issue :)
omg please have the nerve Melinda! we bloody should! its ridiculous!
I’ve got a couple years to build the nerve but am very seriously considering it! Why should I have to buy my own nice dishes or pay for my ‘honeymoon for one’ because I made my life without a partner?
The societal expectations drive me MAD! Have a day off!
Also- see you’re in the UK. I’ll likely be there in February 2024- perhaps we can meet up!
Argh, Kelly, I also had SO MANY thoughts whilst reading this! I really felt for you and as a fellow 34 year old, I know I would feel EXACTLY the same!
This is going to be long, sorry!
I'll start this by saying I live the UK so the travel thing isn't as far for us, BUT, I totally agree on the "reciprocal" point! To be frank, I know I would be absolutely LIVID if friends whose hen do's I went on (sorry, we call them hen do's here!) didn't come to mine! I know I would be!
I've spent THOUSANDS on weddings / hens / engagement parties etc and sorry but I expect that to be reciprocated, I do! Sorry if that's unhelpful, I don't mean to be, but I also know that the rational side of my brain (once I'd finally calmed down, LOL) would be like "ok i sort of get it", like you were, but I know I absolutely would have cried, too! 100%!
saying that though, I have so many thoughts about hen's. I resent the pressure, the money, the threat of relationships falling apart if I don't attend. One of my friends summed it up really well, she's a teacher and so was known for going away for like a month every summer during the school hols. She was at her second wedding of the summer one year and someone said to her: "oh are you not going away this year?" - she said it took all her might to bite her tongue and say "NO, I can't afford it due to all these bloody weddings and hens i am expected to attend!"!
I am also not engaged, or married, but I am with my partner and if we do decide to get married I know I will be very upset if I have a hen and people decline. But, to be honest, I'm going to expect it. It really pees me off but I've been having this conversation with friends for a few years, I think probably to prepare me (lol), but I know for a fact that so many people are going to say no to mine. they'll cite babies probably, which pees me off again as i am childfree by CHOICE! Sometimes I think "god i should have a kid, its such a great excuse",but no, i dont want one (lol).
I've been reading the comments below and everyone has spoken to eloquently about it, and I agree with all of the comments shared.
You've probably thought of this already, but I wondered, could you have a little get-together when all of your guests are at your wedding? like an afternoon drink or just small bash? have you got time?
Saying all of that, I am actually a massive hypocrite as I've decided over the past week or so that I am going to say no to any more hens coming up. HYPOCRITE, I know, but you know what, i'm sick of spending my money on places i don't want to go and friends of friends i'll never see again. for example, I have just been asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend i've known since i was 16. i was pleased, but surprised, as recently she's started taking weeks to text me back (we're all busy hun!). her sisters are loaded and so i know the hen is going to be spenny, so i'm already thinking is it appropriate for me to say no? another friend has just got engaged and i know she'll have a hen, but we're not as close, and I simply don't want to go. (also, i'm not saying your friends feel this way about you, obvs! these are my problems!!). but my point is, i'm sick of shelling out the money. i read this article https://www.newstatesman.com/quickfire/2023/03/no-longer-going-hen-weekends and to be honest, i agreed with most of the points. if its one of my best best friends, i will go, but otherwise. nope.
have you read the dolly alderton bit in her book about hens? quite niche to the UK i think, but to me it sums it up: "Saturday will begin promptly at 8am. Please join us in the Tower of London for a Tudor cooking course”; “We are superexcited to have had chocolate moulds made of a variety of male anuses by the artisan chocolate company Sucre et Crème.”
how i'm going to navigate the politics of saying no, i have no idea, but if anyone has any ideas please say! i'm probably going to say "i can't afford it, as we have a trip planned and i cant do both". this year, my partner has a stag do in Vegas (we live in the UK, this is obviously FAR!) I resent it as its meant that we couldn't go away together this year, he can only afford to do that. that stag and the subsequent wedding have dominated our year and its made me so resentful. (again, not saying yours is this! just that this was ridiculous!)
anyway, sorry, this was a massive rant but i agree with everything you said and i know i would be so conflicted, upset yet accepting! it just feels an absolute minefield, and as per, instagram has made everything ten times worse!
p.s. i am LOVING hearing all about your process and cant wait to read more and then see all the wedding photos :):)
also i completely agree with someone else;s point below about the only milestones we celebrate being ridiculous - i recently got a promotion and no one cared! because it wasnt a marriage, a house, an engagement or a baby! i was so annoyed! i might not do any of those things! so now when friends have milestones that arent societal, i make a HUGE fuss! urgh!
Okay first of all, congratulations on your promotion! I CARE!!! Seriously, I care. We all need to celebrate women for doing things other than getting married and procreating. So congrats, I'm sure it was very well deserved and probably overdue.
Second of all, your response made me laugh so thank you!! I know that so-frustrated-its-funny feeling well, haha.
If it helps, I think saying no to a bachelorette/hen do is totally fine, just be calm and straightforward and honest about it. One of my friends texted me IMMEDIATELY to say that she wouldn't be able to come (I mean she said she was super busy and would try but I wasn't born yesterday, I know what that means) and I think that approach really helped me a lot. I'm personally not a fan of it being dragged out forever just for it to end up being a sorry but no, just stick the knife in clean and fast, you know? Just make sure to be really kind about it when you're delivering the news and I think you'll be fine! You can spend/not spend your money and time how you want to.
Emily- I would absolutely love to chat offline- I feel like we have so much in common.
Regarding declining a hen-if you’re attending the wedding, simply say you can’t wait to celebrate her big day but won’t be able to attend the pre-wedding festivities. You want to prioritize your time, energy and finances on being there for her actual wedding and if you went to all the other events, that would not be feasible.
For declining bridal parties- I ALWAYS ask what is expected and what the costs will be. I am at the age where I will say yes for the closest of close friends (and I guess if my brother gets married and his partner asked, I’d probably say fine!). Unless you’re a dearly close friend, I’m likely not going to any events besides the wedding. AND I likely won’t travel to your wedding. We have such limited pto in the US- I don’t want it all going to celebrate other peoples’ love rather than celebrating my break from work!
I hope this doesn’t come across as bitter/overly negative. I love weddings. I love my friends. I’m just not in love with prioritizing my funds/time on their trips/events over my own wants/desires.
I think this all comes after therapy and growing up, and losing some friends due to wedding related issues. I prioritize me. End of story. Nobody else will.
Emily and Melinda, it would make me cry happy tears if you met in the comments section of this issue and became internet friends lol PLEASE DO
I promise we will keep you posted if it does in fact happen!
Omg email me! es4294478@gmail.com
Kelly, I'm not one to comment on the internet but reading this essay I couldn't not. I'm not in your situation but I relate to your feelings nonetheless. I'm 35, getting over a breakup with someone I was thinking about the future with, and have been to nearly 40 weddings and 10 bachelorettes in the last decade. This is not a complaint; I made the decision to attend all of those events knowing that they would be expensive. I was fortunate enough to be in a situation where I could fly across the country (and the world, literally...to Indonesia) to celebrate and be with my friends. That said, as I think about my own future and what will happen when, as you said, it's "my turn," (while I'm a sarcastic east coast lawyer I'm also a secret hopeless romantic) I'm immediately hit with the complex and contradictory emotions you talk about. As someone who isn't comfortable being the center of attention I don't think I'll want a big celebration but, what if I do? Should you be unable to have one just because you're in your 30s or 40s? Am I too old for all of it? While my initial response to these questions is "f*** the patriarchy!" it's much more nuanced and I so appreciate your vulnerability because I don't believe there is a right answer.
Objectively, I know my friends' and my lives are in dramatically different places than when I attended my first bachelorette party when I was 27. And yes, before you ask, it was in Nashville. But if you're 34, or 39, or 44 and want to celebrate with your friends, it, frankly, sucks to think that just because you found your person "later in life" (which is total crap, we have many years ahead of us as long as the Canadian wildfires don't swallow us all) that somehow you missed the boat on that moment if it's something that you want. Although I have a myriad of thoughts on the juggernaut of the wedding industry and all the events that go along with it, not having those celebrations or not having people be able to be there, even for legitimate reasons, feels like another way that society is punishing women for not being married by 30, if ever. It's like if you don't meet your other half in Econ 101 during freshman year or at a bar when you're 24, you're excluded from being celebrated equally.
What struck me so much about this essay is the feeling of being "too old" to feel like we should be celebrated, whether it's for weddings or jobs or graduations or buying a house or, in some cases, not getting married because walking away is an incredibly brave thing to do. Have weddings gotten out of hand? Overall, yes. Are there bigger, more important things happening in the world right now? Absolutely. Should we celebrate those promotions and new houses and brave decisions more? HELL yes. But at the same time, that doesn't mean that we should feel guilty for wanting to be surrounded by those we love and be reminded that we are loved in return. While I don't think you'll regret missing out on a typical bachelorette party, I'm sorry that your friends can't make it. You can be a strong, independent woman who's forming her own traditions with a supportive, loving partner and still be sad that you can't drink wine in the sunshine with your friends. Two things can be true. Life is hard and sometimes all you need is time with your people to fill your cup, both figuratively and literally. I hope you do get to have a celebratory dinner in LA or something along those lines because, from what I've read, you deserve it. I don't know if this will speak to you like it did to me but sometimes, when I get down about dating and love, I think of what a friend told me about her wedding. She loved her wedding and had an amazing time, but it wasn't the best day of her life. She said there are other days that were better because they were quiet or special or surprising or filled with moments that she needed at the time. Your wedding will be amazing, but, as she said, "it's just another day."
Well there I go with the waterworks again! Sam, this was just the most eloquent thing ever and exactly what I needed to read today. You are wonderful. You said it better than I did. Thank you 🥲😭
Just got married last year and my husband did a bachelor party but I didn't do a bachelorette. We came off a very busy fall of travel (back to back weekends constantly for months), and I was super burnt out on travel. My best friend was pregnant so we had a limited time before she couldn't fly, and it all just felt forced to me at the time. I told them I will hold them to a girls trip sometime in the future, but I just couldn't ask them all to pay for a trip that I wasn't even stoked about. That being said, sometimes I am a little sad about it and it is 100% because of social media and feeling like I "missed out". Wanted to share that you aren't alone in your disappointment or sadness even when we try to make the best logical decisions at the time!
Thank you for saying this Katelyn! I just saw YET ANOTHER bachelorette party on Instagram and felt a little twinge of fomo and I had to suppress it lol
Wow Kelly! Thank you for so accurately encompassing the feelings I have about planning all of my wedding events after my recent engagement (last weekend!!) at 32. All of my best friends are currently pregnant, have children, or are TTC and a recent move has taken me states away from my close circle. The looming idea of “what will people be willing to do for my wedding?” that we think will be in Italy (we know this will be a BIG ASK) has been daunting, and I already can see the amount of regrets we’ll get when invitations eventually do go out months from now. I have also shown up to countless showers, bachelorettes, engagement parties/dinners with enthusiasm, gifts in hand, excited to celebrate my friends and it doesn’t feel great to know they might not have the capacity to do that for me and that I might have missed my chance because I happened to meet my guy at 31, instead of 25 or in college like my friends.
A friend of mine who got married last summer in a destination wedding did her bachelorette a little differently and just asked that a few of us come into town one night early to do a spa day/dinner. It was a lovely way to celebrate her, spend the day together, and get to know the other people we’d be dancing the night away with at the wedding. I feel like this could work for your situation, though I don’t want to feel pushy with my suggestion.
But truly thank you for saying the unsaid when it comes to getting married in your 30s and what happens when the expectations we have don’t always get met.
First of all, so happy for you on your engagement! ENJOY IT! I love the idea of having friends come in a night early, that's really smart and doesn't require as much as a full on bachelorette party would. Trust me when I say I get how you feel regarding all of this with moving, friends being pregnant or having young kids, etc etc yay for being in our 30s haha
Just saw this - interesting! https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/25/style/solo-bachelorette-trip.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
So interesting!
I love this article Kelly. I relate on so many levels (I used to be engaged and planned a whole entire wedding, went wedding dress shopping, sent out save the dates etc) only to end the relationship about three months before the wedding. I’m now in a great relationship and we are coming up on 2 years and I’ve thought about how my perspective has changed on what I’d want for a wedding, Bachlorette etc and I love reading someone else's perspective who is in a similar situation. I think it’s so fair of you to feel sad and disappointed about not having the Bachlorette party that you really wanted. I feel like we only hear stories about how wonderful and perfect and “I wouldn’t have it any other way” other people’s wedding and bachelorette parties are…not sure if I’ve actually ever read someone give an honest account of when their wedding or bachelorette was actually not great. For me, I’ve felt so much anxiety and pressure that it needs to also be like that or it means that there’s something wrong with my life or wrong with me. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing how you actually feel. I feel like it’s actually honestly eased my own anxiety and expectations. I don’t know if this is something that might help you, but sometimes I think back to my friends wedding and parties and now that a few years have gone by I realize everything just ends up being relatively insignificant. And things that felt like a big deal at the time just kinda lose their importance. So even if something doesn’t turn out how you want it to, I do believe in the end it doesn’t change much in the grand scheme of things. Much love and well wishes for the rest of your planning!
Jean, I am with you on wanting to hear perspectives on big events people regret (they have to be out there!) The closest I've gotten is one of my friends who had a perfectly lovely wedding said..."it was nice enough but it was just a very expensive day that went by really fast"/kind of hitting on the insignificance of it in the long run that you alluded to.
Thank you for all of these thoughts Jean! I think you're so right that a lot of these things that feel really important at the time are pretty insignificant in the long run... not that we aren't allowed to want things, but I think it's really good to have perspective about the world and how the importance of things changes over time. If you ever do decide to have a wedding, do it exactly how you want!
I love all of your thoughts on this and agree in so many ways. Especially the “I do this for you and eventually you’ll do this for me” type of thinking with these life events. I’ve spent THOUSANDS of dollars on weddings, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, etc for friends but I don’t necessarily want anyone to do that for me.
I recently turned down a bachelorette party for one of my closest friends and it was so hard to do but I had to. It was going to cost over $2k, would require a non direct flight (~5 hours total) plus 2 hour drive. Not to mention I’d be sharing a room at the AirBnB with someone I don’t know, and I’d have to take two days off of work. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and do this weekend six months in advance which felt fast for me - I already had other things planned and booked in the coming months and there just wasn’t a way I could make this work. I should also note that I have to travel for her wedding weekend as well, taking time off, hotel is $200+/night, etc. She was super nice about it and totally understood but I still feel horrible! The main issue I see is that with wedding related events becoming more out of control, showing up for your friends and being supportive (the whole point!) is becoming a time consuming and financial nightmare.
Wow!!! "A time consuming and financial nightmare" feels like exactly what I'm coming to realize a lot of wedding-related events are to many people right now. It's crazy and a bummer all at the same time!
Also I'm just coming back to say, the bachelorette party was going to cost over $2K PER PERSON?! And a NON-DIRECT FLIGHT?! Sorry my head was about to explode lol
"A time consuming and financial nightmare" -- This is how I'm starting to feel! Especially by your mid-thirties you just feel so burnt out on the whole charade of bachelorette parties/weddings. I have spent SO much money on bachelorette parties and weddings over the years I'm starting to feel like the giving tree - I give and give and give and still people want MORE. A bachelorette party and a wedding aren't enough, there's also an engagement party, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, etc. And people want hyper-specific dress codes for their weddings now, too! In the last year I've gone to both a "colorful South American fiesta - no black!" themed wedding and a "Boho Coachella Valley chic" wedding, which only adds to the expense and stress.
And to top it all of, I have to go stag to these events, which makes everything even harder both emotionally and financially. It's starting to make me feel resentful of my friends which then leads to me feeling SO guilty -- shouldn't I be happy to support my friends? It's just a lot.
I really really really draw the line at a hyper-specific dress code like "boho Coachella Valley chic," that's going to be a no for me
it really is :(
Alaina I found this so interesting - I've also just been asked to be a bridesmaid and I don't want to go on the hen/bach. how did you say no? did you just say you had other things planned and couldnt make it work? i'm terrified of the fall-out / repercussions if i say no!
I was also terrified! I basically told her that I ran the numbers and looked into all the details and when it added up I just couldn’t make it work financially. I told her I would take her out one night when she’s back in town for her bridal shower as a mini bachelorette so I can still spend some quality time with her to celebrate!
I am so glad you wrote so honestly about this experience! I got married 5 years ago and had a bachelorette party but I can still remember the exact location I was standing when one of my besties called to tell me she couldn't make it. She had incredibly valid reasons, I didn't doubt her love for me for a moment, but it still felt kind of earth-shaking to realize that the bachelorette party I had dreamt about (via social media stalking) was going to be made up of real human friends with real human lives and tons of their own commitments. It's a big ask! This brings me to thought number 2 which might be a bit controversial but:
I think a bachelorette party only really works when it's slightly traditional. I.e. it's only for one member of the couple. It's sometimes easier to agree to a trip when you know you won't be overshadowed by the groom. In my mind, a bachelorette party is a way to very loudly let your friends know they are a super important part of your life, you need their support, and you adore being with them. As much as we don't like to admit it, a wedding is a huge moment to say your spouse is your #1 person, and with that comes a tinge of grief from your friends. Adding your future spouse to the bachelorette party just turns it into a second big event reminding everyone that you are a joint package now. I've been to a joint bachelor/bachelorette party which was fun but I didn't leave feeling any closer to the bride because there were no silly secrets spilled, no extra time snagged without her boo there, it just wasn't the same at all! I think a dinner in LA with your closest friends might achieve this bonding goal even better than your original plan and could end up being a really special time. I'm so sorry you aren't getting the party you envisioned (and are low-key owed after the ways you've shown up for all your friends in the past!) but I hope you get an evening you'll always remember.
Thank you so much for sharing your honest feelings about this and opening up a space for everyone to talk about the big emotions that hide inside our big life events!
Thank you for sharing all of your emotions, and I hope you know you are validated in each one! Behind every incredible picture we see, there’s a good chance there was a level of disappointment that went on behind the scenes that doesn’t get captured. I love that you keep it real, and am so optimistic for you with all that’s still to come!
Thank you Jamie!
As per usual your post deeply resonates lol. I am also 34 and have felt a bit of resentment towards friends for my having spent so much $$$ and time going to their events when I have never held one of these large occasions. I don't have a big one currently planned but if I do get engaged again (I also had a breakup around the same time as yours), I really can't imagine asking many (if any) people to travel for a bach party. Frankly, even asking a lot of people to travel for a wedding feels kind of icky to me; my friends are spread all across the US and Europe. I think maybe part of it is the anticipation of being disappointed/sad in people saying no (even if it's for understandable reasons)- but a big part is that I am coming to terms with the fact that I think I am okay with doing things on my own terms, possibly eloping or having a small wedding with like 5-10 people. Now that I think about it, I've always enjoyed trips with a smaller group of 2-3 anyways - easier to plan logistics, my introvert self doesn't get as drained, and more opportunity to connect personally with people. In sum, you put it perfectly when you said your younger self is the devil on your shoulder telling you to be disappointed - but if you shut her up, you're actually fine :)
Absolutely doing things on your own terms is the way to go. Thank you for these thoughts!! We have had a few important people say no already to our wedding and it was really really disappointing for sure. I find it almost impossible to predict what people are going to want to prioritize but I've come to realize more and more that it's really none of my business, even though sometimes it hurts a little haha
I got married at 28 - kinda young, kinda not? I was the first among my friends to get married so I think I had, in a sense, "first mover's advantage" haha. My 2 closest friends (the only ones I would have wanted at a bach) were SUPER enthused, and while we booked a giant castle-y villa in Rajasthan, Covid rules meant that we had a tiny little bachelorette IN MY BEST FRIEND'S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - sheltering-in-place while her grandmother cooked delicious South Indian breakfasts for us every morning. We paid for our own travel, but obviously meals were free because we were at my friend's parents' home. My friends decorated the room, bought champagne, got me a cake etc. Anyway it was kinda childish and wild and totally hilarious and fun. SO! Maybe you could just do a sleepover weekend with a couple friends and call it a day!
A tiny bachelorette in your best friend's childhood bedroom now THAT has to be a first!! Honestly sounds like you made the best out of it though, it actually sounds really sweet? Lol!
Oh Kelly. I identified so deeply with every single word you wrote here. I had so many similar feelings around my bachelorette ahead of my wedding in June 2022. My husband I have been together for 13 years, since we were 23, and for so many reasons we just didn't end up getting engaged until we were ready in 2019. Then of course our wedding got impacted by COVID, and by the time we had our big wedding in 2022 we had already gotten legally married in 2020 and everything just felt so different than I imagined. So many of my friends got married in 2016 when we were about 29/30 and often times I find myself wishing that we had gotten married then when we all went all out for each others' weddings, stayed out later, etc. By the time my bachelorette came around people started pulling out and all of the air just felt so let out of the balloon. Like you, I'm the friend who has never turned down anyone else's wedding requests and hoped others would give their all when it was my time. I ended up with a weekend trip with 3 of my closest friends, and even though it wasn't as "fun" as I imagined in my 20s it would be one day, I tried to remind myself that time with friends is so special, especially when we live all over the country. Even at my wedding, one of my best friends who was giving a toast couldn't come with 48 hours notice because he and his husband got covid. My other friend came solo so her husband could stay home with the kids. It goes on. BUT, we had the most perfect wedding day with the most gorgeous weather (we live somewhere where that is NOT a guarantee), and the most joy I have felt in ages.The high of that day, the joy of seeing so many friends and family that we hadn't seen in years at that point due to COVID, it's something I'm truly never going to forget. All of my disappointments about everything wedding related along the way and how I felt like others weren't as excited for me, is eclipsed by the wedding day and the happiness my husband and I felt and I think and hope for you that you will find that too! Your feels are so valid and felt by those of us getting married into our 30s, you're not alone! Sending you all the best vibes for your wedding and hoping you find lots of little ways to celebrate with friends and your fiance along the way <3
Sofia you get it!!! Thank you so much for all of this and I'm so sorry you've experience that "air let out of the balloon" feeling, I know exactly what you mean. I hope our wedding is as happy and amazing as yours was, I have a good feeling it will be :)
I too, got married at 34 and my husband and I eschewed many of the same traditions you did (no bridal and groom party, no sleeping in separate rooms the night before, no bachelor/ette parties, etc). I also had a good number of guests who needed to take a long plane ride to California for our wedding, as well as some close friends who were pregnant/had newborns and we simply did not feel the need to make anyone feel pressure to do any additional travel. Instead, we had a welcome dinner the night before the wedding with our families and all of the out of town guests and we really enjoyed the ability to connect with all the important people in our lives the evening before the wedding and never felt like we missed out on anything by not having bachelor/ette parties. We also had our photographer and videographer attend the welcome dinner as well and I love the footage that was captured from that evening.
I love that! We're doing a very similar welcome party, although we don't currently have a photographer coming. I'm very glad to hear you have no regrets about missing the bachelor/ette parties though :)
Everyone’s comments summed this whole thing up so well - my fiancé have gone back and forth for 9 months on whether or not to even have a wedding and now having read this post, I think part of it for me is that it just feels like an awful lot to ask of everyone and to ask of ourselves
Totally agree. I had no idea to what extent until I got pretty far into the process! The idea of "big asks" is just a big / really relevant topic right now I think
Maybe this is a bit of a tangent but I've seen similar comment threads here and I wanted to chime in lol. I'm 29 and single, so I've already seen a decent number of weddings and bachelorette parties. I willingly agreed to go to them all, spend the money on them, and I love all of those people involved.
Weddings are seen as this totally justifiable reason to gather and hang out. It just kinda sucks that people in their 30s+ don't have the same opportunity to gather all their loved ones in one place and celebrate, either because you're single or engaged but your friends are in different life stages now. Are we just screwed if we miss the boat on finding The One earlier on? Or if we have no real interest in dating? If you're single or engaged and *tried* to do that in your 30s and your friends turn you down, it stings that you won't get the reciprocal effort that you put in heavily in your 20s for their weddings and bachs.
I don't think friendships are transactional by any means but I do think there is a huge emphasis put on the "nuclear family." There's a broader conversation to be had about how friends in different life stages (whether by choice or it just hasn't happened for them yet) interact with each other. Friends are important—we need to prioritize them and think about the effort we're putting in.
And this is important to think about considering that the population of people choosing not to get married/be single and childfree is increasing, which means our friends are *very* likely to be in different life stages. Singlehood percentages are spiking for all adults. According to a 2020 survey by the Pew Research Center, nearly a quarter of American adults ages 30 to 49 are single (never married or not dating anyone seriously). Nearly 44% of adults aged 18 to 49 say they think it’s unlikely they ever will. (Sources 1+2)
"Too often in American culture, friendship is viewed as an accessory of youth. When we’re young, we are encouraged to develop friendships, but upon reaching adulthood these relationships receive far less attention. We devote the bulk of our time and energy to finding one person, a romantic partner or spouse, rather than building out a robust and durable social circle.
As a result, the time we devote to friendship peaks in our late teens and declines sharply during our 20s. Yet, study after study shows that these relationships are critical to maintain throughout our life. Moreover, we tend to be happier in our marriages when we have at least some good friends outside of our relationship, perhaps because we don’t rely exclusively on our spouse for emotional support." (Source 3)
There have been large-scale studies conducted that demonstrate this effect. "The models show that marriage does not affect weaker ties whereas it does change the nature of the stronger ties that people have: friendships become less important and more. Parenthood entails a shift toward more local ties: there are negative effects on friendships and acquaintances but these are compensated by positive effects on neighbors." (Source 4) People who are single tend to have more friends and are better at maintaining their friendships than married people. (Source 5)
"One could argue that modern life conspires against friendship, even as it requires the bonds of friendship all the more ... I mean, how long can we all keep postponing dinner? ... This is, mind you, how most friendships die, according to the social psychologist Beverley Fehr: not in pyrotechnics, but a quiet, gray dissolve. It’s not that anything happens to either of you; it’s just that things stop happening between you. And so you drift." (Source 6)
Sources:
1. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/
2. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2021/11/19/growing-share-of-childless-adults-in-u-s-dont-expect-to-ever-have-children/
3. https://ifstudies.org/blog/number-10-in-2021-can-married-men-and-women-be-friends-marriage-friendship-and-loneliness
4. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1040260812000512
5. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407515597564
6. https://12ft.io/proxy?q=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.theatlantic.com%2Fmagazine%2Farchive%2F2022%2F03%2Fwhy-we-lose-friends-aging-happiness%2F621305%2F