#24. Let's Dive In: The Court of Public Opinion
When friends and family judge your life choices, how do you balance keeping them happy while trying to maintain your sanity?
Hey!
It’s been a few months since the last (and so far, only) installment of my newsletter’s advice column, Let’s Dive In, because I take these questions V seriously and every single one that has been submitted so far is so wonderful and thoughtful and I’ve just really wanted to do right by them.
Last week, though, I realized that chasing “perfection” in these answers is not the point–I’m not a therapist lol, and you all know that. So many of you responded to my feedback form about this newsletter saying that I feel like a friend, and I cannot tell you how much that warmed my tired heart!!!!! That was the encouragement I needed to bring this column back because that’s exactly what I’m aiming for–advice that feels like it came from a friend, no more, no less. Thank you, thank you for putting the pep back in my step. Everything you’ve asked about so far is really, really fruitful shit that might spark some interesting discourse, and I’ve got a really good one for you today. I’m also going to bring back this advice column more regularly moving forward (especially now that my advice column at work is winding down!), so keep the thoughtful, intriguing, curious questions coming.
Have a question for me? Submit it here.
And with that, let’s dive in…
Dear Kelly,
I've been with my partner for almost 4 years and we have lived together for 3 (moved in 6 weeks before the pandemic LOL). We have a great relationship full of building each other up and having fun as well as continuing to grow as individuals – things I love that we have been able to manage when it seems that all my friends/family have relationships where both people are attached at the hip and do all the same things. We both are very career driven and hard working (both Capricorns) and we have similar busy seasons with our jobs. I love that this is coincidentally the case as we aren't annoyed that the other person is working late or unavailable since we are both in the thick of it at the same times.
The problem, however, is that my busy times are fairly flexible – I can move meetings around or plan ahead to make time for events (like family weddings or a date night or time out with friends) and his schedule is pretty set in stone and often times things will come up on the spot that he has to deal with. While I fully understand the extent of his schedule and work requirements, my friends and family are less likely to understand. When there are family events, weddings, or fun things happening that we are both invited to, I am typically able to make sure I get my work done or move things around to attend, even in the busy season, but my partner is not able to as much. Being that we are very good at having our own things and not feeling "solo" if we do things without the other person, I have no issue going to weddings without him or showing up and explaining he had to work. He obviously wishes he could be there but his job is just not as flexible. It seems like my family/friends just don't get it and aren't willing to understand. Since their partners are always with them for everything I feel their pressure on me and the disappointment in him for not showing up.
On one hand, I don't care because it's their opinion and not their relationship – it's mine. And I'm happy with it. But I hate having to constantly explain to them the same situation over and over again without them being empathetic towards our work and schedules being different from them.
It's also important to note that we are about 30 and most of our friends are married or engaged, with a few having children already. My family lives further away and his family is relatively close. We have had plenty of conversations about where we are as a couple and we both love the trajectory we are on, despite it being different from those around us. I think that a lot of what I'm feeling is general pressure from others on our relationship as a whole, which I don't like and try to not entertain. At the end of the day, if we are both happy and content then I can't let others opinions get to me. But sometimes it does. How do I navigate this to keep my family/friends happy and maintain my own sanity?
(P.S. – I am huge fan of therapy and go every other week; I'm interested in your take before I bring this up to my therapist for her take! It only really hit me to this extent when thinking of if I had a question to ask you hence why I haven't discussed it with my therapist yet.)
Signed,
A people pleaser
Dear people pleaser,
So intriguing!!!!! I have a million thoughts but I will, of course, (try) to make sure this answer does not spiral out into a 500 page novel. No guarantees, though ;)
I have a boat load of empathy for your situation and feeling unwanted pressure/opinions from people close to you. This question jumped out at me when I decided to revive my advice column (which I haven’t done since issue #4!!!) because I feel like it hints at themes of “work/life balance” and doing things that might be considered non-traditional, which is definitely a theme in my life (and with Paul) at the moment. I’ve definitely felt the discomfort that can accompany feeling like you’re on a different timeline or path altogether from people around you. Honestly I’ve felt some aspect of that literally my whole life. I feel for you!!!
I want to restate your question so I don’t lose it as I meander through this–you want to figure out how to navigate keeping your friends and family happy with your life choices while maintaining your own sanity.
The first thing I want to say is that no matter what we do in life, our decisions will be faced with scrutiny, especially from the people closest to us. No two people are alike, and it means that in every situation, there are a million different ways of doing things and a smorgasbord of opinions that may be formed about our choices and actions. Only you can know for sure what is right for you, but people will have opinions either way, and sometimes these will be expressed to you, with varying degrees of intensity and frequency.
The second thing I wanted to say is that since you’re a people pleaser (hi, it’s me) I know you want to make your friends and family happy, but you can’t live your life for other people. You have to do whatever works for you. And I know it’s easier said than done–I’m working SO HARD on developing more of a “fuck the haters I don’t care what you think of me” mentality–but it’s a struggle for sure, lol. I see people (who am I if not a diehard Bachelor fan; Nick Viall is the first person who comes to mind) who really do not give a fuck what other people think, and I wish I was one of them so badly! To some degree our people-pleasing nature might always be with us, but I do think it’s important to at least try to actively care less about what others think about things that don’t really involve them.
It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong if people are sharing their opinions about your life choices with you, but it may mean that what you’re doing is deviating from the norm, and that can sometimes make people uncomfortable. Or at the very least, it makes what you’re doing more visible–you stick out more when you take a less common path. But living a life where you’re completely coloring inside the lines so perfectly that no one ever raises an eyebrow sounds really boring! Lol.
To me, it sounds like being 30 and having been with your partner for four years–and being in a relationship where one of you focuses on work sometimes to the detriment of friend/familial obligations, without being on the path to marriage (at least outwardly, traditionally, i.e.–you’re not engaged)–is what you’re doing that is deviating from the norm. Let’s dive into that a little deeper.
There’s a lot about work in your question. But I’m not convinced that any of this is actually about work or the less-flexible nature of your partner’s job. You explained that you both have busy schedules and sometimes his means that he has to miss important things, which gets judged by your friends and family. You alluded to this, but what I think is actually going on here is that you guys are 30 years old, have been together for four years, and although you live together, your people are sensing a lack of commitment to the relationship coming from his side. So when he misses a big event like a wedding and you’re like “it’s a work thing and it’s okay that he can’t be here,” they’re thinking “what does it mean about the relationship that he’s not here?” I think it actually comes from a place of wanting to protect, rather than judge you. Those are really different!!
Assume for a moment that your friends and family are well-intentioned. They want you to be happy and “secure,” but their definition of secure may be different from yours. So maybe this whole thing is just one big pile of miscommunication. Their urge to protect you is coming out as judgment and pressure, but for what? I think it’s pretty clear they expect your partner to have locked it down and proposed to you by now. Because that is what society says is a necessary step towards safety in a relationship: an outward display of the idea that you’re committed for the long haul. (Obviously, an engagement is NOT a necessary prerequisite to show you’re committed to a relationship, and we know this, but maybe some of your friends and family don’t?).
I don’t think your friends and family are actually concerned that your partner works too much and struggles with work/life balance, I think they’re feeling a lack of commitment from your partner and they’re worried for you. So it’s less about them being able to understand that you are both very busy and his work schedule is unpredictable and rigid, it’s about the fact that they see he isn’t showing up for you to something they feel is important (even if there is a completely legitimate reason, and that reason is your partner’s job, which he probably loves if he’s willing to miss stuff because of it).
I’m going to copy-and-paste something you wrote in your question and I’m going to edit it slightly:
But I hate having to constantly explain the same situation over and over again without them being empathetic towards our being different from them.
WHAT a beautiful fucking sentence that encapsulates the experience of being a non-conforming human in our modern world!!! This really feels like the heart of the issue to me. Your relationship is different from those of your friends and family, and they see that as a “bad” thing. And they’re judging you and pressuring you to conform to the type of relationship that makes more sense to them, and not showing either of you much empathy.
I don’t know you, or your partner, so I have no idea if any of what they are worried about–your partner not being completely committed to you–has any truth to it, but from your question it doesn’t really sound like it’s something you’re worried about. You said you both love the path you’re on. As long as you pause for a moment to feel out if that is really true, and it is, I think you’re going to be totally fine, and you’ll figure this thing out with your people. You and your partner made it through the pandemic after having just moved in together, so if that didn’t break you, I don’t think busy work schedules and not getting married or having kids on some sort of socially acceptable timeline (or at all) will!
At the beginning of our relationship, Paul I talked EXTENSIVELY about the “court of public opinion.” For a while, it was a topic of conversation literally several times a week. This was mostly regarding my family and some of our friends, as well as strangers on the internet who would slide, uninvited, into my DMs to let me know exactly how they felt about our budding relationship. The court of public opinion generally thought our relationship was moving really fast, and that we were borderline nuts to buy a house together after dating long-distance for six months. We also got a lot of shit for deciding almost immediately that we did not want kids. Let’s just say some people really had a problem with that. Fast forward over a year, though, and no one really says much to us anymore. I can’t remember the last time I even used the phrase “court of public opinion.” We’ve been living in our house for a year now, and it’s one of the best decisions we’ve ever made (each other, and buying the house).
The court of public opinion–the very same one we used to spend so much time talking about–has quite literally disappeared from our lives. Our engagement + enough time has gone by for everything to fit neatly into a package of what is “normal” or “acceptable” in the eyes of the normative majority, and people are no longer convinced we’re crazy. We, of course, knew that all along, but now everyone else has caught up. You know where we haven’t fully escaped judgment, though? Our decision not to have kids, which is getting more and more common, but is still not the “majority” path. The opinions shared with us used to be a lot more frequent and heavy-handed, but it’s something we both still have to defend from time to time.
The stronger you are in your convictions, the easier they are to defend, and the more you’ll be able to just let things roll off your back. Not to quote Taylor Swift or anything (sorry) but haters gonna hate, and the more comfortable you are with your life and your choices, the easier you will be able to shake off judgements/opinions about your life. It hits me so much harder when someone attacks my writing than when someone attacks my relationship or my desire not to have kids because I’m so much more insecure about my writing! Sometimes I feel like a fraud and when people poke me about that, it feels more like a gut punch. Maybe I am a terrible writer who doesn’t know what my audience wants!?!!?! But when people tell me I will never know real love because I’m never going to have a child, my response is more “lol, k…” than “oh my god maybe they’re right!!!!!”
I’m not saying that’s how you feel in regards to your situation, but just in general, hold on tight to the things you know to be true and real. And remember it’s not your responsibility to make other people happy, or to help them understand you if they’re not willing to try. My mom sent me an email the other day that was titled “the other side of the argument” with a link to a story about pronatalism, which I am of course already extremely familiar with, and instead of writing her an essay about why I think pronatalism is dangerous, I just didn’t respond to her email, lol. I’m protecting my peace.
As for how to approach your friends and family? I think there is a huge difference between understanding and respect. Your friends/family don’t have to understand your situation or your relationship to respect it and you by extension. I think you can approach them the next time it happens with something like, “I love you and I totally understand your concerns, but {partner} and I are good. We love our life just how it is and I know you don’t understand it, but please respect the fact that this is how it is, and I am okay with that.” Repeat until you can deliver this speech three margaritas in while twerking on the dance floor.
As for the maintaining your sanity bit, my best advice is honestly just try to live your life in a way that feels authentic to you. If other people’s opinions are driving you absolutely nuts, ask yourself if it’s because you are feeling slightly insecure about your life choices. That’s when they tend to sting the most. Or maybe your friends and family are just extremely annoying, in which case, it’s time to have a very firm (yet loving) conversation about your boundaries, which your therapist can help you with!
Whenever I’m feeling a bit bothered about other people’s opinions about me, I go for a drive and scream-sing to “Anti-Hero” (both the original, and then the Kungs remix) until I feel a little better. Give it a try sometime and tell me what you think.
Proud of you for being different and feeling like you’re doing things differently from other people and being judged for it. Welcome to the club!!
x Kelly
What’s Up This Week
This is THE FIRST time I have ever reviewed a book by an author that I actually know, and I am wildly excited to report that it is amazing!!! I met Thao Thai in 2020 when she wrote an absolutely incredible essay that brought me to tears, but we didn’t really start chatting until last fall when we both launched newsletters within a few months of each other. Hers is called
if you don't subscribe yet.I was absolutely fucking THRILLED when Thao sent me an advance copy of her debut novel, Banyan Moon, which comes out at the end of June. I just finished it, and it’s… incredible. I would describe it as somewhere between historical and literary fiction, about the lives of three Vietnamese American women and their complicated relationships with each other (and motherhood). Banyan Moon spans several generations and is one of those stories that builds slowly (and beautifully) until it hits the gas pedal in the last third. There are Secrets! Murder! Infidelity! and so much more. Fans of The Death of Vivek Oji or The Heart’s Invisible Furies will love this one.
I had a burning question (winking at you, Thao) after finishing and actually got to ASK THE AUTHOR IF SHE DID WHAT I THINK SHE DID AT THE END which was just so deliciously satisfying. I asked Thao if she would let me interview her closer to the book’s release and she said YES, so look out for that sometime in June. In the meantime, I would highly suggest pre-ordering a copy of Banyan Moon from Barnes and Noble for 25% off with code PREORDER25 so it’s on your doorstep come June 27th. Thao just published a deleted bonus chapter in her newsletter that I got in my inbox about an hour ago, so you know where I’ll be this morning…
I discovered this colorful 635 square-foot apartment in Berlin while I was bouncing around lookin for fun stuff on Apartment Therapy. I immediately recognized the throw blanket I bought last month in the living room (although now I’m obsessed with this checkerboard one…), and then realized the apartment actually belongs to the founder of Clr shop! Which brings me to…
Clearly I was meant to share this ‘Dancing Shapes’ throw blanket this week; it’s safe to say that everyone in our house is obsessed. Clr (“color”) shop was founded during the pandemic by a musician and multimedia artist from Brooklyn, Talia Taxman, and each piece is designed by Talia and made to order in North Carolina (she’s currently living in Berlin). Very highly recommend!
That’s it for me! Thanks for reading.
K bye,
Kelly
P.S. Last week, paid subscribers got issue #23 in their inboxes which is an update on wedding planning and a breakdown of everything we’ve booked/planned so far, and whether that item is a SPLURGE or a SAVE and how we made some of those decisions. Not easy!!! I have a few DIYs in my future…
Amen to this newsletter! I live in the UK and our obsession with marriage and kids is the same... it’s so boring! 🙄🙄🙄
I have neither and I DEFINITELY also dont want kids!
(No idea what pronatalism is, going to look it up!)
On a similar vein to the reader people pleaser who wrote in (me too hunni) - my partner is probably on the spectrum and finds social gatherings really hard (I think I have ADHD too and am currently going through the diagnosis... that’s another convo..!). People comment and it DOES MY NUT IN - leave him alone! He showed up! He’s quiet! It’s a lot! But he’s here! No, we haven’t argued! Yes, he’s fine!
Can everyone just fuck off with their opinions??
Rant over!
interesting issue! to me this REALLY puts on stark display americans' obsession with heteronormativity and marriage. i can't believe that a couple that's been together for nearly half a decade gets side eyed because there's no ring? what is this, the 1950s? i come from a pretty conservative south Asian background but i have plenty of friends who are in their late 20s/ early 30s who've been with their partners for significant periods of time without being engaged (including in huge periods of long distance because of career) and aside from initially having to explain said choices to parents, i dont see them having to constantly battle this. sigh!