#19. How to Buy an Engagement Ring
Practical advice from an accidental engagement ring expert
Hi everyone!! Two weeks ago I wrote about my thoughts on engagement rings in general, but this issue is all about how to actually buy an engagement ring–a no bullshit, not trying to sell you anything, extremely practical guide that’s perfect for people who claim they have “no idea what they’re doing.”
This is by far the longest issue I’ve ever written, which says a lot coming from me, haha. I’m sure you know this, but in case someone else forwarded this to you, I got engaged in December and worked in the jewelry industry for five years selling vintage engagement rings in my 20s. For more on that (and some of my many thoughts about what engagement rings are and why we wear/want them), see issue #16.
I’ve been on both sides of the equation as a person who has worn an engagement ring (twice) and helped sell them to people in the past, observing the buying process over and over in a lot of various situations. All of this equates to me being in the really unique position of knowing a lot about engagement rings from several angles, but I don’t ultimately want you to purchase one from me, so I’ll just give you all my real thoughts and opinions on this topic that haven’t been run through a “commerce” filter. My hope is that you’ll take whatever information you need from this guide and go out into the world a more well-informed, less stressed out consumer.
If you already have an engagement ring or don’t ever want one, this issue might not be very useful for you, but it might be educational and I tried to make it a little entertaining? Haha. Or you can skip it. Either way, I hope most of you enjoy it, and I’m going to start a Substack Chat thread next weekend so you can show me your rings and tell me your fun stories (like the time a heavy grill cover fell on your hand and the only reason your finger wasn’t chopped off is because of your engagement ring, which was completely destroyed, but it was insured so you got another, even cooler one!). That’s my favorite part.
If you’re looking for a history lesson about where engagement rings come from to begin this journey, we don’t have enough space for that, so you can read more about it here.
Sections in this guide:
A 10-step guide to buying an engagement ring
Answers to your questions
10 insider’s tips
Educational “crash course”
Stores/brands I like
Glossary
This isn’t a step, but more of a preamble. The process of buying an engagement ring should be, above all, fun! Don’t take it too seriously and I guarantee you’ll enjoy it a lot more than if there’s a lot of pressure on it. Remember to relax, breathe, and let the process unfold. My honest opinion is that engagement rings seem more important than they actually are. Remember they symbolize the love between you and your partner above everything else, and that’s what this is about. Celebrating your love! Your partnership! And expressing your style through jewelry. I promise you’ll have a decently (or extremely) positive experience if you follow the steps and consider the advice in this guide. So relax, take a breath, grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, and settle in. Here we go.
Okay. I know a lot of you reading this are going to be like ~but I want it to be a surprise!~ and I totally get it. BUT. If you’re going to marry someone and one or both of you are going to spend money on a ring (or not get a ring at all!), that’s something I think deserves a conversation! Call me “modern” but not talking about engagement rings as a couple at least once to establish how it’s going to go down is not what I would recommend. I remember a few times working with couples where one person had bought a ring for their partner without asking them what they like, and they got it wrong enough they decided to actually return the original ring. They’d come in to look for something else, and it was always varying degrees of awkward.
Cook yourselves a fun dinner, crack open a bottle of wine, and talk about this. Do you both want to do an engagement ring? If yes, how do you both envision the process of choosing it to go? Is it important to either of you for it to be a surprise? Why or why not? Do either of you have preferences for a public/private proposal that should be respected? Who will pay for the ring, and how much are you comfortable spending? What’s the most important factor to you in a ring? Least important? What, if any at this point, are your style preferences? How do you both feel about “alternatives” like vintage rings, lab diamonds, and other stones?
Once you’ve asked some of these important questions, even if it’s established that one or both of you want to keep it a surprise, now you have a game plan and can proceed to the other steps with some very key specifics you’ll need.
Next is when you should both dive into research mode. Imagine buying a car without having even sat in one first. How are you supposed to know what everything is and what it means, and importantly, how it affects the price of the thing?
I included a section called “educational crash course” later that is a great place for you AND your partner to start your educational journey. You can literally just forward them this email, and they can take that as a hint, lol. If your partner sent you this email, hi! :) Sorry it’s going to be a long one, but I promise you’ll be in good shape by the time you reach the bottom.
Money! Is! Important! I know it’s a bit awkward to talk about, so feel free to define it in terms of a ballpark. In my opinion, it’s important not to try on rings significantly outside your budget, full stop.
Let’s go back to the car metaphor for a moment. If you start looking and fall in love with a cute little Porsche 911 based on the style, but then you decide that a comfortable budget for the ring is more of a Honda CR-V, we have a problem. Once your heart starts to really sing for one particular thing and you’ve actually taken it for a test drive, it can be hard to get as genuinely excited about something else, just like cars. DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE! I can’t tell you how many times I saw this happen when I was doing this for a living. Your research should give you enough education to know what you can get at each price point, then set a budget, and shop accordingly.
Every budget is valid; I can’t tell you how much to spend. I can tell you that you should spend what you are comfortable with, and no higher. Don’t go into debt buying an engagement ring. It’s not worth it!
If you’re using this guide with your partner, here are some ballparks I’ve defined for you:
Ballpark I: Under $2,000
You’ll probably end up with something really sweet/unique here, probably not a diamond, maybe something vintage, or a cool diamond band
Ballpark II: $2,000-$6,000
We’re in lab diamond territory here, or diamonds under a carat (also look into Rose Cut diamonds and moissanite at this price point) or a cool colored stone ring
Ballpark III: $6,000-$10,000
Here we’re in 1+ ct. natural diamond land, or a really souped up 2+ ct. lab diamond ring, can definitely go handmade here too
Ballpark IV: $10,000-$20,000
Now we’re really having some fun with bigger diamonds (either natural or lab), really tricked out settings, a handmade/custom wonderland
Ballpark V: $20K+
The world is pretty much your oyster, enjoy it!
Now is when the real fun begins. Grab your partner, your sister, your best friend, or just go by yourself and try on some styles *in your budget* you think you might like based on the research phase.
If you don’t want to shop together, it’s totally fine to go to a jewelry store and tell the person working you’ve been instructed to do some research by your boyfriend or girlfriend; that’s completely fine and part of the process.
Figuring out where to shop can be difficult so I added a list of stores that you probably haven’t heard of near the end of this guide. You can go to big box stores too (hell, they even sell engagement rings at Costco), they’re just not my favorite because it will definitely lean mass-produced, trendy, etc. If that’s what you want though, or it’s easiest, go for it!
Once you’ve tried some things on, cast a wider net by scouring the internet for rings in the styles you’re gravitating towards. Use Pinterest and/or Instagram to do research and keep track of your favorites.
While you’re shopping, ask to have your finger measured for your ring size before you leave. You’re looking for a fit that is secure, but when you go to take it off, it doesn’t make you start to panic. The panic sets in when it’s a little too small.
When it’s the right size, you should have to wiggle it a bunch to get it off. If you can slide it off with almost no resistance or tugging, it’s too big. Full stop. You should have to work a little bit to get it off, but like I said, without the panic setting in :)
If you try on a size that’s too small and you can’t get it off, don’t worry. Happens all the time. Give it just a second to calm down and try again, or ask if there’s a sink around. Soap and water and I guarantee it’s coming right off.
Now that you’ve tried some rings on and looked at (let’s face it) probably hundreds of different rings online, make a list of what’s important to you in terms of style preferences and any other factors. You can send this list to your partner if it’s going to be a surprise thing or if they’re picking it out. Mine would have read something like this: Recycled yellow gold, handmade, lab diamond or a cornflower blue sapphire, very low profile, not a round stone (favorites are Elongated Cushion, Rose, and Emerald Cuts), preference for stone to be set east/west.
If they’re down, you can also send/show specific rings you’ve found to your partner, too. Bombard them in Instagram DMs or email links to rings you like. That’s what I did!
This part may or may not involve both people. You get to figure that out! Just remember that if you’re buying a ring online you’re going to need to sign for it, so you may need to send it to your office or to a trusted friend so you don’t ruin a surprise.
Once you have the ring, get it insured. Insurance isn’t too expensive, it’s easy to do, and it protects your ring against loss, theft, damage, etc. I like and use Jewelers Mutual.
When you’re not wearing your ring, it needs to be stored somewhere safe and consistent. I have a rule where if my ring isn’t on my finger, it’s in a little dish in our bathroom. If you’re not going to wear it daily (this happens more often than you would expect after you get married), you should figure out a place that’s more hidden, just in case.
Sometimes you need to re-size your ring, even by a quarter size. If it’s too big, don’t wait to do it. I met a woman on a plane who works as a jeweler, and she told us her (very cool) engagement ring was actually some other woman’s ring who lost it in a grocery store and never came to claim it. The store gave it to the police, who had it for six years before calling her because they weren’t sure what to do with it. Moral of the story–don’t wear a ring that is too big and lose it while buying green beans.
How do I get a ring that no one else has?
Buy something vintage/antique! Vintage rings are literally one of a kind, back when jewelry was all made by hand and stones were cut by hand too. Or, get something newly made that you’ve never seen anyone else wear and call it a day. Start paying attention to the rings of people you know and you’ll definitely see trends start to appear.
How do I drop hints to my partner? I want it to be a surprise, but realistically, I know I am beyond picky!
Find out how they envision the process going with a conversation about it! If they’re cool with it, you can DM things you like, send links in an email, print stuff out and leave it laying around, etc. If it’s really going to be a surprise-surprise, in my experience, the person buying the ring will almost always go to the best friend, sister, etc. for advice. Be proactive and give all of your preferences and ring size to that person!
How do you decide on lab made versus natural? I’m really torn!
I think this comes down to what’s most important to you. There was so much interest in lab diamonds when I asked everyone to submit questions that I’m planning on writing a separate issue on it! Here’s the really short version:
Choose a natural diamond if:
You want your diamond to “hold its value”
You’re not on a tight budget
You’re set on a vintage stone
Choose a lab diamond if:
You have ethical/environmental concerns
You have champagne taste on a beer budget
You don’t mind knowing that your ring, if you bought it a year from now, will likely be cheaper than what you paid today
If I’m only going to do one ring (an engagement ring / wedding band hybrid), what would you suggest?
I am completely obsessed with the Monolith rings by WWAKE, which are basically gold cigar bands with cool stones. Personally I think this ring is so cool, and I had my eye on this one, too. No matter what, I would pick something with a super low profile.
What’s the average cost of an engagement ring these days? I feel like everyone’s rings are $30K and I don’t get it.
In the U.S. specifically, as of last year, the average price of an engagement ring was $6,000. This makes sense to me. You might have friends who are indeed spending $30K on a ring, or you might just be unaware (much to your frustration, I’m sure) that your friend’s rings that may look big and expensive are actually lab diamonds–or other alternative stones like moissanite–that cost waaayyyyyy less than natural diamonds do.
How do I buy a ring that is environmentally sustainable?
If your number one criteria when you mean “sustainable” is the impact on the environment, vintage is the way to go. Vintage rings are really the only rings that have no extra impact on the environment because they’re already made, you just have to find one you love and size it to fit.
If your definition of sustainable is a little more broad, you can also look into getting a newly made ring that is made with recycled gold, antique or lab made stones, and made by hand. Mining gold and diamonds has a negative impact on the environment and often the people who are working in the mines, lab made stones do use electricity but don’t deal with questionable labor practices or poor working conditions, and making it by hand by an in-house team ensures that your ring didn’t come from an offshore factory somewhere.
Is there a way to make a diamond low-set but not TOO low?
The only way you can make a diamond set too low is if the “poky” part is actually touching your finger. I’ve tried on just a few of those before. Otherwise, the lower the better if you’re looking for a ring that is going to be comfortable, practical, and just easier to wear. A stone that is set up super high will sparkle more, but it will probably get annoying quickly. You’ll be way more aware of it than a ring that is set low.
How do I start the process when I only have a vague idea of what I like?
Pinterest is a really good place to start for inspiration! Use search terms like “engagement ring trends,” “unique engagement rings,” “gold engagement rings,” etc. to get started, then narrow your search terms down once you start to see things you like. Start paying attention to your friend’s rings too and ask them what they would do differently about their ring buying process, if anything.
How do I choose a ring that will be timeless and not trendy?
That’s actually very tricky! After 20 years, rings are considered “vintage,” and everything goes in cycles. Something you might say is “timeless,” I might say is classic 1950s, or tied to a particular era, which by nature makes it trendy? I would say just be aware of what the trends are and decide if you want to take part in them or not. Buy what you like! Here is a fun video that walks you through 100 years of engagement ring trends.
Is there a way to ensure you get an ethically sourced diamond?
Make sure that wherever you buy your diamond from is compliant with the Kimberley Process. Or, if ethics are your main concern, lab diamonds are your best bet.
Queer ring shopping! Do you shop together? Separately? Both propose?
Yes! No! Maybe! Only you know what’s right for you :) I think a dual proposal is cool, though. I sort of proposed to Paul immediately after we got home the night he proposed, and I was *very prepared* with an “engagement watch” ready to go. I was planning on doing it separately, but we got back home and sat down by our fireplace and I just felt like that was the moment!
How do you determine stone size for your hand?
This is really down to personal preference. Try Googling “{insert name of cut you like} diamond size chart” in Google images and that should give you a general idea. To make a diamond look bigger, try setting it on its side (east/west).
How do I source something that looks custom on a budget?
Find a store you like that makes their rings by hand, and get a lab diamond or alternative stone. Or go vintage! Or buy a loose stone for a good deal and then take it to a jeweler to set it.
Can you tell me more about reciprocal proposals?
Sure! I mean the idea of a reciprocal proposal is that one person proposes first, and then the other person also proposes either at the same time, or on a later date. Both people can propose with a ring, or nothing, or whatever you want. I think the reason reciprocal proposals haven’t really taken off is because they can feel a little redundant. I didn’t make my reciprocal proposal a big thing, we were just sitting on the floor in our house and I gave Paul a nice watch I knew he would love (instead of a ring). I did think about it for a while–I was sort of planning a scavenger hunt around the city–but then we just got busy, haha. I think the idea of “proposing back” is cool though.
I want to reset a family stone, but I’m not sure of the process. Can I pick any setting?
If you just want to use a stone from a vintage ring, you can kind of do whatever you want with it! If you also want to reuse the metal you’re more limited in your options. Find a jeweler who specializes in custom rings with an in-house bench jeweler, bonus points if they also do vintage/antique restorations. They will take care of you.
I’m notoriously indecisive! How do you pick something you’ll wear forever?
If you’re indecisive, maybe your partner picks it for you? I feel like this is the same thing as a tattoo. Do your research and really think about it, then hope for the best :) You can always get an “upgrade” ring later if you want.
How much should I/we spend on this thing?
Literally whatever you are comfortable with. Don’t listen to the two months salary bullshit. If you’re looking for some guidance, the average price of an engagement ring in the U.S. is $6K.
Does one buy the engagement ring at the same time as a wedding band?
This is a topic that has come up a lot recently. I would say no, most people typically do not buy them at the same time. The question is also whether to have two separate rings at all. Obviously do whatever you want, but I would focus on one at a time! Once you have one, you might realize you don’t need or want an additional ring. “Puzzle fit” rings used to be a huge thing, and those do usually need to be purchased at the same time because the engagement ring and wedding band are made to fit perfectly together, but that’s really fallen off more recently.
What are your thoughts on lab made diamonds and alternative stones for engagement rings?
Love them. Lab diamonds vs. natural diamonds seems like a big deal when you’re in the buying process, but I promise you’ll forget about it pretty quickly once it’s on your hand. It just doesn’t even occur to me anymore that my diamond was made in a lab.
I’m also very into alternative stones, some more than others. I’m a huge fan of sapphires. They’re very hard (and hard to damage) and come in pretty much any color.
Some of the other stones I love I wouldn’t necessarily recommend for everyday wear, but you can definitely go for it if you’re okay with being a little more careful with them. Emeralds (hot right now because of Megan Fox), opals, and aquamarines are favorites of mine that I personally wouldn’t want in an engagement ring because I wear mine every day. They are just too soft. I was walking up the stairs once with a laundry basket and took a chunk out of a vintage opal ring just by scraping it on the wall. Use the Mohs hardness scale to help determine if a certain stone is suitable for you; I personally wouldn’t go below a 9/10, which means it’s only diamonds and sapphires (i.e. corundum) for me (or moissanite–more on that below). Some people might feel comfortable going down to a 6 or 7 (which brings a lot of stones, like emeralds and aquamarines, back into play).
The jury is really out for me on moissanite, one of the most popular diamond alternatives out there. It’s become very popular in the last 10 years or so because it’s colorless and almost as hard as a diamond (a 9.25/10). Natural moissanite is really rare and was originally discovered in a meteorite (COOL) but almost all moissanite that you see in jewelry is lab made. Being that that is the case, I just wouldn’t choose moissanite over a lab made diamond unless it was price related (moissanite is extremely budget friendly). The brilliance is really different–it has a rainbow/disco ball effect that a lot of people love, but I’m not that into it I guess?
How can I source vintage stones from a reputable retailer?
Vintage stones are a little harder to source. I’d find a jeweler that specializes in vintage or antique jewelry and have them help you. You might need to seek out someone in the diamond district in L.A. or New York. If you tell them what you’re looking for, they can go hunting for you. Jewels By Grace sells loose antique stones online.
How do I get the most bang for my budget?
Buy a lab diamond or alternative stone instead of a natural diamond, avoid big name “brands” like Tiffany & Co. or Cartier, shop rings that are already made and buy during Black Friday (versus going custom, which will never have a discount), choose a stone that is slightly under a carat (or two carats, like .95ct or 1.95ct).
Can my partner and I go into a store to try things on together without the expectation to buy anything?
Yes! Of course you can! I know that guilt well but this is a huge purchase. Think of it like going to a car dealership. Test driving a car is free.
What are the best search terms to use for different styles?
Here are some search terms to get you started on Pinterest: vintage engagement rings, engagement ring trends, unique engagement rings, gold engagement rings, {name of diamond shape or alternate stone} engagement rings, low profile engagement ring, Art Deco engagement ring, solitaire engagement ring, classic engagement ring, three stone engagement ring.
Where is your ring from?
My ring is from an L.A. based designer, Sofia Kaman.
How do I go about choosing a brand/store/designer to buy my ring from?
Decide if you’re comfortable buying online or not, that will broaden/narrow your pool considerably. There’s a list of brands/stores I like near the end of this issue (all of them have online stores, but most are in L.A. and New York), but ask around and see if there’s any store your friends rave about!
Should I have my partner propose with a “fake” ring and then pick out the real ring together after the proposal?
Honestly I wouldn’t. I think this leans too much into the “surprise” and “do it for the gram” elements of an engagement/proposal. If you want to propose with like a piece of twine or a plastic ring or something, I think that’s sweet! But not an actual fake ring that looks like an engagement ring for surprise photos that you’re going to, like, return? Or never wear again? IDK.
This is definitely my number one insider’s tip. It is so ridiculously helpful to know your ring size. If you’re not doing the entire process together, the issue of what your ring size is will come up, and your partner will start to panic. Unlike clothing or shoe size, which is easy to find out while she’s not home by just looking at a few things in her closet, most people have absolutely no idea what their ring size is! And so when it comes to proposal time, two things usually happen: You guess too small, and can’t get the ring on her finger, or you guess too big, and it can literally slide right off her finger and be lost forever on the first day. Lol. Neither of these are good!!!!! Save everyone from this hellish scenario by finding out your ring size, and then getting this information to your partner somehow. Write it down on a piece of paper and leave it somewhere around the house. Tell your best friend. Email/text it to them. Straight up tell them. Do whatever you have to do to remove this giant headache from the process.
Even I/we didn’t totally get this right, and it was annoying! I told Paul my ring size (5.5) a few times, which he told the designer who made my ring, but for some reason unknown to us, they made it in their standard size 6. He repeatedly told them my size is a 5.5, and that I am 100% sure, but they said the ring “ran small.” Well, he proposed, and it nearly slipped off my finger immediately. I had to wear tape around the shank for over a month, in the phase where *everyone* was asking to see my ring. It sucked! I didn’t want to send it back to California, so when we got it resized locally ($175 out of pocket), the jeweler said it was actually measuring at a size 6.25, which felt right to me. Even less than a full size too big is way too big to wear; it can and will slide off.
Anyway, all this is to say, your ring size is a very, very important piece of this puzzle and it’s impossible to guess/eyeball it unless you’ve worked in the industry before. If you don’t/can’t find out your ring size beforehand, you can use the information that the average women’s ring size in the U.S. is around a 6.5. But again, not that helpful. Women’s ring sizes range from around 4-10 and are measured to the nearest quarter size!
If you want to re-size a ring you bought online locally, do some searching online for a company that has their own jewelers on staff and specializes in repair services. I found a jeweler in St. Paul that has really good Google and Yelp reviews and a whole page on their website dedicated to jewelry repair with photos of their in-house jewelers. They were awesome.
Like I mentioned above, my ring was too big and I wrapped a long, skinny strip of clear packing tape around the shank for over a month before we got it resized locally, which took 10 days. Just trust me when I say not to wear a ring that’s too big outside the house. The tape trick will work as long as the ring isn’t more than like a full size(ish) too big.
There aren’t really any tricks for a ring that is too small other than wearing lotion on your hands and avoiding salty foods, haha.
Diamonds tend to be priced much better when you’re just below a full carat. So instead of a 1.00 carat diamond, buy one that’s 0.95 carat. It will look the same but be cheaper.
GIA (the Gemological Institute of America) is the gold standard for diamond certification. Basically this just means your diamond comes with a report card stating exactly what it is and all of its stats, and was evaluated by someone who knows what they are doing.
I’ve never done this, but definitely thought about it. Brilliant Earth has a LOT of loose stones available for purchase online and they are very thoughtful when it comes to sustainability, availability, ethics, variety, etc. Their inventory is so large that you can really get a good idea of how much different factors like clarity, carat size, etc. affects the overall cost. Personally I don’t love their settings, but I think buying a stone from them and setting it locally could be a really good play. Or you could do a custom design with them too.
This is genuinely a technical term, lol. Okay maybe most people say “shallow,” but we always said spready. A “spready” diamond means one that faces up to look larger than it should for the carat size. Like imagine a ball of cookie dough. Smash it flat with your hand, and you still have the same amount of cookie dough, but now it’s “spready” and looks a lot bigger, but flatter. In terms of diamonds, this is a very good thing if you’re looking to get more bang for your buck, or if you’re trying to keep the profile of your ring low.
There is so much price variance that comes with the 4 Cs. Color and clarity are two that you can play around with a lot, and these are often things you can’t really see easily without a magnifying glass. I think G-I color and VVS2-SI2 clarity is the sweet spot. Essentially, don’t pay for higher quality here when you can’t even really see it. Play around here to get a feel for it.
Full disclosure, my engagement ring has a lab diamond, and a comparable natural diamond would have been wayyyyy outside of the budget we set for my ring. I personally am very much on team lab diamond, but a lot of people who work in jewelry are not into them. Many stores/brands still won’t even offer them.
I reached out to my friend and former co-worker, Emily, who still works for the company I used to work for to ask her opinion on lab diamonds. Of course she wrote me a novel (I love her) but here’s an abridged version of what she had to say on the topic:
As a business, we have chosen not to advertise lab diamonds as an option for our custom-created rings simply because it is an ever-changing market and we don’t feel comfortable selling something that isn’t holding value. Where once the price of a lab diamond was pretty close to that of a natural stone, they have since taken a nose-dive in cost — great for a buyer, less great as an “investment.” Unless someone specifically says that they want a lab-grown diamond and they don’t care about the future value of the ring, we will not offer it as an option.
HOWEVER, I am very much a champagne-taste-beer-budget kind of girl, so I’m personally psyched about lab diamonds! If you want the look but not the price of a natural diamond, lab-grown diamonds are by far the superior choice as they are *compositionally* diamonds (as opposed to CZ or moissanite which may look like a diamond, but are chemically very different).
You probably know how hard you are going to be on your ring, but do you know how hard certain gemstones are? The Mohs hardness scale will tell you how hard a gemstone is on a scale from 1-10. Generally, stones that are used in jewelry are a 3 or above. But if you’re going to be worried about it and wear your ring every day, you should probably go a lot higher. This is one of the reasons diamonds are so common in jewelry–they are the only gemstone that is a 10/10. It’s the hardest mineral on earth!
Buy what you like! But if you’re looking for a ring that feels really different from what a lot of people are wearing right now, I would avoid oval shaped diamond solitaires and halo rings. These styles are very pretty, but very popular!
Here is a super crash course on all the major things I think you need to know to get started on your engagement ring journey. Of course there is more to learn beyond this, but these are the basics:
This is a fundamental thing you need to know before you can do anything else if you’re interested in buying a diamond.
Color: The color of the diamond (i.e. how white or yellow/brown it appears) on a scale from D-Z. D is perfectly colorless and Z is very noticeably yellow/brown. The whiter the stone, the more expensive it is. I think the sweet spot is G-I color depending on what metal you choose.
Clarity: How many “inclusions” (i.e. flaws, specks) you can see in a diamond, on a scale from “Flawless” to “Slightly Included.” This scale is harder to explain but obviously, the less specks, the more expensive it is. I think the sweet spot is VVS2-SI2 depending on your budget and how sensitive you are to flaws. Impress your jeweler by telling them you’re just looking for something that is “eye clean.”
Carat: This is the one you know about, it’s how big the diamond is. Technically it measures the stone’s weight, and sometimes how a diamond is shaped can make it look smaller or bigger than it should for its weight. Generally most people are going to land somewhere in the 0.5-3 ct. range for a center stone but of course you can color outside the lines all you want.
Cut: This is confusing. Technically “cut” refers to how “well” a diamond is cut on a scale from “Super Ideal” to “Fair,” but people often refer to “cut” as the shape of the stone (oval, round, emerald, pear, etc.). If you’re a big sparkle person you want to pay attention to this, but if you’re not, you’re safe with a “Good” or “Very Good” rating.
Sometimes referred to as “cut,” this is the shape of your stone. A lot of people you know have a Round Brilliant Cut diamond, but Oval is the most common shape at the time I’m writing this. I have an Emerald Cut, which doesn’t mean it’s an emerald (i.e. green) but it just means it’s a rectangle, lol. Are you confused yet?
Other cuts you might see while shopping are Cushion (square with rounded corners), Asscher (square with cool facets), Princess (square without cool facets), Pear (self explanatory), and Marquise (looks like a football). Elongated Cushions are also really in right now.
If you’re shopping vintage stones, now we get into Rose Cuts (which can come in any shape, but reflect a lot less light than modern stones and appear more gray and less sparkly, I fucking love these), Old European Cuts (a precursor to the Round Brilliant Cut) and Old Mine Cuts (a precursor to the Old European Cut). If you want an insider tip, I think elongated Old Mine Cushions are AMAAAAAAZING. These are all cut by hand so no two are alike and they are charming as hell.
Generally there are two categories in the most basic terms: “Silver” and gold. And by silver, we really mean platinum or white gold. Of these, I prefer platinum because white gold needs rhodium plating over time to stay silver looking. But I’m a yellow gold gal myself.
All gold is yellow, but it can be mixed with other metals to create other colors of gold like white and rose gold. Rose gold is gold mixed with copper. Vintage rose gold is stunning and very coppery, while newer rose gold usually looks kind of pink? Watch out for that. Gold is great but slightly softer than platinum, so if you’re super hard on your jewelry or work with your hands, go platinum.
Prong set: The most common way to set a stone is with prongs. Prongs are tiny pieces of metal that use tension to keep a stone in place. Prongs can come in many shapes/sizes–some are meant to be very minimal, and some are meant to be a dramatic statement (like above).
Bezel set: This is another way to set a stone, by wrapping metal all the way around it. It’s a totally different look and usually people have strong preferences here.
Halo: Another way to set a stone is to either prong or bezel set it first, then add a halo of small diamonds around it. This is a good way to make a diamond look bigger, and it was very popular in the 2010s. If the halo of diamonds is kind of big, it’s called a “cluster” ring.
East/West: This is gaining in popularity, which is cool, because it’s my absolute fave trend. Typically stones that aren’t round or square are set to appear like they’re standing up instead of laying on their side. East/West means that the stone is set on its side, so one end is facing east (right) and the other west (left). I just think this is a really unexpected way to make a ring more interesting without adding any cost.
Solitaire: This just means the ring has one diamond we’re supposed to focus on. It could have diamonds on the band or not.
Three stone: This is a classic for a reason. Essentially it just means you have one big stone in the center, and two smaller stones on each side.
Cluster: Similar(ish) to a halo, this means a ring that’s made up of a bunch of decently sized stones, in any design. Sometimes there is a “center stone,” sometimes there isn’t.
Toi et Moi: Thank Megan Fox for catapulting this style back into fashion. It means “you and me” in French, and means there are two large stones often set in a sort of “yin and yang” way.
What does your ring look like when viewed from the side? How high does it stick up off of your finger? That’s the profile. One very important factor to consider when choosing a ring that works for your lifestyle is its profile. The higher the profile, the more your stone will sparkle, but the more aware that you’re wearing it you’ll be. Suddenly, wearing gloves becomes impossible (which is a problem in places like Minnesota, haha), or you might snag it on a sweater or bang it on the wall accidentally. Higher profiles look really nice, but they aren’t as practical. Figure out what’s right for you and make sure it’s taken into consideration! I know it seems like a small detail, but it isn’t. This is so much more important than a lot of people realize!
Technically, “vintage” is anything that was made more than 20 years ago, and once it’s more than 100 years old, it’s “antique.” Vintage and antique rings are suuuuuuuper cool, but you just have to make the choice if you want a ring that’s already made and has had a previous life, or if you want one that’s new and starting its life with you. There are no wrong answers.
In my experience, women often love the romance associated with vintage and antique rings, but a lot of men do not. Obviously that’s a very broad and sweeping statement, but it was somewhat common when I was working in the industry. Even though I worked with vintage jewelry for five years and absolutely love it, for our engagement, I wanted to start something new. We didn’t have any rings already in our family (my sister’s engagement ring is over 100 years old and came from her husband’s family, and it is jaw-droppingly amazing), but if we had, I would have been all about it.
You already know about diamonds, so here are some of my thoughts (crash course style) on alternate stones:
Lab made diamonds: Exactly the same thing as diamonds that come from the earth, but made in a lab. The code was cracked on this only recently, so lab diamonds are definitely a newer thing. Yes, they are real diamonds. Yes, the prices are continuing to go down. Yes, they look just as good as real diamonds and no, no one would ever be able to tell the difference.
Moissanite: I mentioned this in a different section, but this is a lab-made stone that is almost as hard as a diamond, and also colorless. Moissanite has exploded in popularity recently. Jewelry people will tell you that moissanite is “crap.” That doesn’t mean it is, I’m just warning you that a lot of jewelers scoff at moissanite. It is very cheap compared to natural diamonds. I don’t have a lot of experience with it because there are no vintage moissanite rings yet, and that’s what my background is in. Personally, moissanite isn’t for me but a lot of people swear by it. Think of moissanite as the middle child between diamonds and cubic zirconias (which are often used in semi-fine and costume jewelry, because they are very very cheap).
Sapphire: Sapphires are probably the best stone to choose for an engagement ring if you’re looking for color. Sapphires come in all colors, and they are more durable than other colored stones. Blue sapphires are by far the most common, but even then there are tons of shades of blue. Thank you Princess Diana for making sapphire engagement rings super cool! The biggest thing to know is that a lot of sapphires come out of the ground brown, and then they are heated to make them blue. Unheated sapphires come out of the ground blue (or whatever color) and are more rare and valuable, so they cost more. A heated sapphire will cost less, and no one is going to ever ask you if your sapphire is heated, lol.
Emerald: Not to be confused with Emerald Cut diamonds, emeralds are green. They’re hard enough to use in everyday jewelry unless you’re a worrier (it’s me, I’m a worrier). Emeralds are mined all over the world, but a lot of them come from South America. Some emeralds have a lot of inclusions that can look really cool (it gives the stone almost a mossy/nature-inspired look), but are more fragile.
Opal: Opals are pretty stones that have shades of blue, green, and often orange in them. Most opals actually contain water, which makes them softer and more fragile than other common gemstones. Opals are definitely used in jewelry, but just a word of caution against them for everyday wear. Opals are often inexpensive and fun (the “fire” of an opal is really pretty) but I think they lean towards the impractical side for engagement rings just due to the risk of damage.
Pearl: Listen, Emma Stone has a pearl engagement ring, proving you can do literally whatever the hell you want. HOWEVER, pearls are so soft, and so prone to damage, I would have a heart attack every single day wearing a pearl on my finger.
Ruby: Red sapphires!
Morganite: Light pink emeralds!
Aquamarine: Light blue emeralds!
I can’t and won’t tell you how much to spend on this. I gave you my five ballpark ranges in the 10 steps at the top of this guide, and I can tell you with some degree of confidence that most people reading this will spend between $500-$30,000 on an engagement ring.
Generally, the most expensive part of an engagement ring (and the most variance) comes from your center stone. A setting makes up a smaller portion of the cost, usually somewhere between $500-$5,000+ depending on how detailed it is and how many diamonds there are. You might want to spend $1,000 on a 1 carat(ish) moissanite (that’s technically not how most diamond alternatives are measured; usually it gives you a measurement in millimeters instead, so get ready to bust out your ruler), or you might want to spend $20,000 on a really nice quality natural diamond. That’s not up to me! I highly recommend Brilliant Earth if you’re new to this and getting to know how much things cost. This is not in any way sponsored, haha, I just think it’s a really good tool that’s free to use and play around with.
I can’t tell you what your life will look like 5, 10, 20 years from now, but I can tell you that many people stop wearing their engagement rings after a while. If you choose something kind of large or bulky and then you have kids, I can almost guarantee your engagement ring will be relinquished to a drawer somewhere and only worn for special occasions. If you’re cool with that, then cool. Just consider how “low maintenance” you want your ring to be, what kinds of activities you like to do, etc. etc. If you work a lot with your hands, I wouldn’t recommend something large or super detailed, and you may want to do platinum instead of gold. Consider something without a ton of little side stones too, because I can guarantee eventually the little ones will start to fall out and will need to be replaced. If you’re the type of person who wants to wear your ring at the gym (dooooonnn’tttttt), choose something platinum/diamond, without little side stones, and extremely low profile for the best durability.
Just consider your lifestyle and future plans in this purchase is all I’m saying! I’ve heard of people wanting low profile rings before so they don’t scratch their kids, which is 1000% fair and exactly what I’m talking about. You know your lifestyle best, so try to choose something that matches it as best as you can.
ILA (Houston)
Filigree Jewelers (Minneapolis)
VRAI (Chicago & San Francisco)
Consider the Wldflwrs (Nashville)
Porter Gulch (San Francisco)
Valerie Madison (Seattle)
David Yurman (Various locations)
Basket: A particular way to set a stone, usually 4 prongs plus a horizontal band of metal that kind of makes a basket shape for the stone to sit in.
Bezel: Another way to keep a stone attached to the metal part of a ring, by surrounding the stone entirely with metal.
Corundum: This is just a technical term that means sapphire. Though sapphires are typically thought of as blue, corundum comes in all colors. When they are red, they’re called rubies. Weird, right?
Eternity band: When diamonds go alllllll the way around the band/shank, you know, like they go on for eternity. Generally I recommend against these because they cannot be sized. At all.
Facet: All the flat surfaces within a diamond that make it sparkle. Generally more facets = sparklier.
Filigree: Intricate metalwork
Fire, Brilliance, Scintillation: These terms all really just mean “how sparkly is it?”
Halo: When a big stone is surrounded by a bunch of little stones to make it look bigger.
Inclusion: This is a speck or flaw within a diamond. Can look like salt or pepper.
Knife edge ring: This is a peculiar kind of band where there’s a sharp edge protruding out from the center.
Pavé: A bunch of little diamonds all together, so close that you can’t see any metal in between them. Like a cobblestone road of diamonds.
Prong: The little metal bits that keep a stone attached to the metal part of the ring. There are usually between 4-6.
Shank: This is the (usually) plain metal part of the ring that goes around your finger. Kind of another word for “band.”
Shoulders: The part of the ring where the part that’s holding the diamond (the setting) meets the band, or the shank.
Whelp, that was a lot! This issue took several weeks (and years) to put together, and I hope at least one of you out there finds it helpful haha. If you use this guide and it helps you, please tell me!!! Even if it’s a few years from now. I love this shit :)
This issue is behind a paywall, but if you know of anyone who might need this guide, please feel free to forward it to them! And if you’re new here, hi! You can read more about me here if you’re curious.
If you have any super specific questions about engagement rings that I didn’t answer, feel free to DM me. I’m around!
K bye <3
Kelly
Holy cow this is an AMAZING wealth of knowledge! I wish I had seen this before getting engaged but it also made me feel happy about my choice, which is great. Thank you for sharing this! Also, if you ever feel inclined, I for one would love a pt. 2 on wedding bands.
This was so fun to read! I'm recently engaged so this very interesting (and timely) for me! My partner and I went shopping together, to a few different stores, but he made the final decision. For me it was the perfect level of input vs surprise.