#116. "Caregiving fundamentally changed my understanding of my own capacity"
We're diving into 'Sirens', my favorite TV show of 2025
Hey! Today is an issue of Storytime™ – a series where you ask me your questions or tell me your stories, and I’ll do my best to answer them with the empathy (and humor) you deserve. Have your own story/question? Submit it here.
"I don't know that this is really a story, but more how I found myself deciding to become a mother when I spent at least the first half of my 20s indifferent to kids at best. While I grew up in a large extended family, I didn't have a ton of exposure to babies and young children once I was out of that phase myself. I think that lack of familiarity made me feel totally inept when I did spend time with kids. It was only through caregiving for my mom for two years while she lived with (and eventually died from) ALS that I began to change my mind.
The entire experience of caregiving for a dying parent fundamentally changed my understanding of my own capacity. I found so much meaning in the caregiving process and the even deeper relationship I forged with my mom in that time. I was able to find the joy and connection in the most mundane and gross tasks (which let me tell you, is definitely a thing in parenthood). The caregiving experience was a paradigm shift for me in so many aspects of my life, and it ultimately helped me decide that not only did I want to become a parent, but that I had what it takes to take care of another human (which I very much doubted before that experience).
Becoming a parent, I have seen so many parallels between caregiving for ailing family and caregiving for my kids. Society puts way too much of that expectation on women. Your dynamic within your support system is irrevocably altered, and both are too damn hard to do singlehandedly. AND, I am so grateful for both experiences. While words can't express how much I wish my mom could have known my kids, it is through the lens of my grief that I find myself absolutely basking in the joy my kids bring me.
My time caregiving for my mom prepared me for parenthood in so many ways that I'm still coming to understand. Both responsibilities are completely consuming and it feels difficult to find time and space for other aspects of your life outside of them. Women in my life who had kids before me were (and continue to be) integral to helping me find community and connection in this experience. In that vein, the process of caring for and grieving my mom was profoundly isolating because it was an experience none of my peers could relate to. I try to be that person who reaches out when I hear someone's loved one is sick or has died because I know how lonely that path can feel.
I think the moral of my story here is that we need to show up for our community. If your friend had a baby, started a new job, is going back to school, is going through divorce, whatever it is, just try to be there for them. We all need more people we can lean on.” – Elizabeth, 32, Northern California
Wow! Okay, Elizabeth, thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry for your loss, and we are all very lucky you shared this with us.
And yes, I’m going to use today’s story as an excuse to talk about Sirens, my absolute favorite TV show of 2025 (so far). Oh my fucking god, I haven’t watched something this good in a while. Bow down to the show’s creator, Molly Smith Metzler. Can confirm she lives in L.A. and Sirens is based on a play she wrote in 2011, cannot confirm whether or not she has kids.
If you haven’t watched it yet, Sirens is a five episode limited series about two sisters, Simone (Milly Alcock) and Devon (Meghann Fahy). Simone works for Michaela, the founder of a cult-like bird sanctuary (?) who is, obviously, married to a billionaire. Michaela (Julianne Moore) is awful, and I laughed out loud more in the first episode than I have during anything else I’ve watched in recent memory. I kicked my feet and screamed for almost an hour straight. Simone’s job includes spraying lavender scented perfume in her boss’ underwear drawer and helping her boss sext her husband (Kevin Bacon). It’s so delicious and cringe and I was drinking it through a straw.
Now. There’s a lot of juicy stuff in Sirens about having kids (or not being able to have them) that I think you’re going to love, so you should watch the show. Every main character is and isn’t a monster, which is really hard to pull off, but this show does it.
Meghann Fahy as Devon stole the show for me. Devon is desperately trying to get Simone to help care for their father whose memory is failing rapidly. The only problem is that Bruce was a horrible, neglectful father, and Simone wants absolutely fucking nothing to do with him. In episode one, Devon texts their secret emergency code word, “Sirens”, and Simone sends a fucking EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT to Devon’s front door. Brutaaaaaaaaalllll. Again, I am screaming.
Devon has spent basically her entire adulthood either caring for her sister or her aging father, and it’s very clearly ruining her life. Devon dropped out of college and worked three jobs to get her sister into Yale (and Simone is an ungrateful bitch who thinks she got there on her own), she’s on her second DUI, and she can only hold down her job at a fast food restaurant because she’s fucking her married boss, who won’t fire her because Devon threatened to tell his wife about the affair. It’s so juicy, and dark, and funny – I love this shit.
So this whole show, all five episodes, I’m thinking what a shit stick Devon has been served and how she deserves so much better. She spends 99% of her time helping other people, but who helps Devon? Absolutely nobody.
Meghann Fahy is 35, so I assumed Devon was meant to be around that age. The question of whether Devon wants kids never comes up, but I put myself in her shoes and made an assumption that she wouldn’t ever want to have kids because she already spends all of her time putting other people first. (She’s also single.) This question never actually comes up in the series, but clearly I was ~projecting~ that onto her character because I am who I am.
This is where the spoilers happen, but I promise they’re light.
At the end of the finale, Devon decides to go back to Buffalo and take care of her dad because she wants to, not because she has to. There’s other things I could say here but I won’t because I really want you to watch it. There’s something Devon says as she’s leaving that really struck me and actually made me sob the second time I watched it:
Simone: “Devon, wait. Come on. Do you have any idea how fun this night’s going to be?”
Devon: “Yeah, no. I do. I do know how fun this night will be. I’m gonna go home with dad.”
Simone: “Devon, come on.”
Devon: “I want to go home and take care of dad. Dropping out of college to take care of you? It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I don’t think you understand how proud I am of myself. That I did that. You didn’t serve me, and I didn’t let you go. But now I have to.”
So I’m blathering on and on and you’re wondering how this connects to this week’s story. This is how:
The entire experience of caregiving for a dying parent fundamentally changed my understanding of my own capacity. I found so much meaning in the caregiving process and the even deeper relationship I forged with my mom in that time.
That is really fucking beautiful? And a little dark, maybe, but ultimately it just feels so… human. The same way Devon choosing to take care of her dad feels human. Devon thinks putting another person over herself is the best thing she’s ever done.
Showing up for your people and your community is absolutely the moral of the story, but the other one is to not make assumptions about another person’s experience based on your own sense of what you would do in any given situation. I’ve never cared for a dying parent, and therefore I actually have no fucking idea how it would make me feel. And even if I can take a guess for myself – which may end up being wrong – I shouldn’t project that onto other people. Stop it, you bitch. Don’t make assumptions, especially about something you know nothing about.
The experience Elizabeth (this week’s Storytime™ writer) had with her mother is so validating of the concept that we can’t ever really know what is right for another person. I wanted to publish her story because it damn near smacked me in the face. Everyone is unique. Everyone reacts to things differently.
And doesn’t that make life a little more interesting? A little more varied and messy and hopeful?
Anyway, go binge-watch Sirens. Thank me later.
“There’s a Link Between Therapy Culture and Childlessness” by Michal Leibowitz for NYT Opinion
Oh boy, there’s a lot here. This essay is juicy and interesting and I need you to read it right meow so we can discuss in the comments:
This cultural shift has contributed to a new, nearly impossible standard for parenting. Not only must parents provide shelter, food, safety and love, but we, their children, also expect them to get us started on successful careers and even to hold themselves accountable for our mental health and happiness well into our adult years.
So I want to suggest that there’s another reason my generation dreads parenthood: We’ve held our own parents to unreachable standards, standards that deep down, maybe, we know we ourselves would struggle to meet.
“When Owning a House Is a Fantasy” by Meghan Daum for The Free Press
Sorry for so many links to The Free Press lately 🥴, my mother sends them to me. Meghan Daum wrote/assembled a book of essays I loved about not having kids, and this essay she wrote about trying to build a house in L.A. is one of the most memorable I read all week:
The kind of energy that many people put into pursuing sex and romance I put into looking at, thinking about, and occasionally attempting to buy real estate. I look at online listings with the self-loathing compulsion of a pornography addict looking at Pornhub. I hate myself, but there I am, again and again refreshing the page to see if a new listing has popped up in the last 10 minutes, doing deranged mathematical calculations in which I hope to arrive at a different answer than the correct one, which is that I am nowhere near being able to afford a house in Los Angeles, where the median home price is close to a million dollars.
“The left must reclaim motherhood” by Samantha Mann for TIME
This essay is good and there are a lot of fair points in it, but I do think there’s a fundamental difference between “giving up” something you’ve always wanted and “opting out” of something that doesn’t hold enough appeal for you. Wouldn’t this newsletter feel really different if I’d named it “THE GIVE UP?” Lol
I’ve noticed how quickly I’ll make a joke about the stress of parenting, but hesitate to share when something about it feels deeply good. There’s a subtle sense that taking pleasure in domesticity might be a betrayal of my values—as if nurturing children, or even enjoying something as benign as baking, plays into oppressive tropes.
But why should the right own parenting and caretaking?
I was most struck by the recent headline of feminist philosopher Kate Manne, who wrote a piece titled “Don’t Have Children,” where she described her daughter as her greatest joy, but simultaneously wrote that she hopes to never become a grandmother. Is that the best we can offer children and young people in our country, which is rich in money, technology, advanced medical treatments, and resources? This complete give-up cannot be the only solution.
Deep Cuts by Holly Brickley was a delight. My friend Lindsey and I read it within a few weeks of each other, and while we both felt like there was a bit of sexual tension missing from the romance elements of the story, we both liked it. If you’re a music fan who still reads Pitchfork, especially, give this a shot. I’m not sure how much I agree that it’s Normal People meets Daisy Jones & The Six, but I see what people mean by that (“dysfunctional friendship/relationship explored over many years” meets “two people who make each other better musically but are also kind of toxic.”)
Alex Cooper recorded a solo episode of Call Her Daddy last week to tell the daddy gang that she is delaying her plans to have a baby because she wants to focus on her career right now. This is nothing revolutionary, obviously, but she is a massive public figure and this is a very positive thing to have in the discourse! Alex is only 30 and she has acres of time to have kids, which is something she wants to do eventually. I guess I just feel a little bad if anyone has made Alex feel like she’s “behind” at 30 and that she feels the need to “confess” that she wants to be a bit selfish with her time right now, you know what I mean? She’s the host of one of the most listened-to podcasts in the world. Like, be selfish, girl. Don’t stop until you unseat Roe Jogan as #1.
Also I am sorry to be this person, but Dakota Johnson and Chris Martin broke up and I am actually a bit devastated? I’m not usually one to read Page Six, but mysterious sources are saying they may have broken up (in part) because Chris (48) doesn’t want any more kids, and Dakota (35) might. Brutal.
Have you watched Sirens yet? Or have you ever cared for an aging parent? How was your experience similar or different? Come tell me in the comments.
On Sunday I have an incredible treat for you, which is an open and honest discussion with my friend Lisa about her experience with IVF. I’ve never recorded a podcast quite like this one. See you then!!
I think the connection between caregiving & choosing/not choosing parenthood is interesting. I grew up the oldest of 5 & did a significant amount of caretaking for my siblings as a child. Then I chose a career as an ER doctor & continued to take care of other people. The last few years have left me exhausted from giving so much. This is one of the big reasons I decided not to have kids-at 40 I don’t want to spend at least the next 20 years caregiving.
Thanks for this! I think there is a massive connection between choosing to be childfree and caretaking - it’s on my mind constantly. My partner lost his dad in 2023 after a pretty sudden blood cancer diagnosis - we spent 90% of our time traveling, caring for him, talking about him, his parents future, their house, their time - all of it (no regrets, my FIL is and continues to be my biggest influence, we were very close). All of this to say, the folks and family in my life with kids defaulted to us and my sister in law (also a childfree queen) nearly always - and it really shook us. My dad also was diagnosed with cancer last year (doing well!) and I was thrown into managing his health and my mothers paranoia because of it. There’s an eldest daughter convo, a childfree adult kid convo - so much to unpack here! I feel connected to the person who submitted when they speak about friends. None of my friends at the time (albeit supportive) understood the commitment or our reasoning for being so involved, and those that were doing the kid thing (I’m 31) were out to lunch at the level of loss we were experiencing. I identify big time as the pal who reaches out when I hear parents are sick, until it happens to you it’s so hard to relate. We gotta keep talking about this!!!