#114. Jennifer Lawrence said parenting is brutal and incredible

Why “and” might be the most powerful word in the English language

You’ve probably heard this before, or something like it: Parents complain that we only ever talk about the worst parts of parenthood.

It’s funny, I’ve heard this now a few times recently from random people on social media, friends I know IRL, and serious journalists – and I just don’t agree. I think I hear equally about how joyful and difficult parenting is. All the time, actually.

I was listening to an Ezra Klein podcast episode researching a different issue when he said:

“It is safe to confess your exhaustion, it is not safe to confess your joy. But also, there’s something about the things we learn how to notice in our world. The stories we tell ourselves also become the stories we exist in, right? If we are taught to notice what is so hard, we will primarily notice what is so hard.”

The sociologist he spoke to, also a parent, agreed with him.

Huh, I thought. I wonder if they genuinely feel this way, or if they’re just being a wee bit dramatic.

But I think Ezra is right in what he said about the stories we tell ourselves. They become the stories we exist in, which is why I’m constantly trying to immerse myself in a multitude of stories that share really different experiences. That’s what I’m doing with the Sheila Heti Summer Slow Read, too – it’s not meant to offer you just one side of the motherhood question; it’s supposed to be much more complex than that. Everyone has a completely unique story to share if we decide we want to listen.

When I was 22, I enrolled in an improv comedy class a week after moving to Los Angeles. It was my first and last class (very much wasn’t for me, lol) but I did take away the enduring power of “yes, and,” which is a concept I’ve never forgotten.

“Yes, and” (besides being a killer song by Ariana Grande) is an idea that fosters productive dialogue by building on ideas instead of shutting them down. But I also think it hits on something even more important, which is the idea of division, or the binary so many of us feel trapped in.

An “us” vs. “them” mentality can apply to many things, from the incendiary chaos of American politics to motherhood. Instead of viewing parents and non-parents as adversaries on opposite sides of an invisible line, what if we were just different parts of a collective whole? What if we consciously tried to “yes, and” each other more often instead of relying on “or” or “but?”

“And” is a discreetly powerful word. In a recent interview, Jennifer Lawrence described parenthood as “brutal and incredible.” Notice how the phrasing has a slightly more positive vibe than if she would have said “but.” And encompasses a whole world together instead of creating a binary between opposing emotions, like you can only be either/or, and not many conflicting things at once. According to Psychology Today:

Intentionally using the word “and” allows for complexity and dichotomy in your experience. Experience is rarely comprised of only one thought, feeling, or physical sensation. “And” acknowledges, includes, and expands what precedes it.

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This is what I hear most often when I consume media and participate in conversations about motherhood. It’s brutal and incredible. I hear constantly that motherhood is the most rewarding – and most exhausting – thing a person can do. This is the story I’ve told myself about what parenthood is, even if I’m personally pushing back on the idea that motherhood is the primary/correct path to meaning and fulfillment in a woman’s life. I go out of my way to consume viewpoints that span a wide array of ideas and emotions. I wish more people felt like they heard all sides of the story.

So next time you’re thinking about motherhood and parenting, ask yourself WWJLS (what would Jennifer Lawrence say?)

I’ve decided not to have children, and I want the experience of having children in my life in a different capacity.

Motherhood can be a vastly transformational experience that provides meaning in a person’s life, and I’ve decided to pursue meaning and purpose elsewhere.

Friends with children are often logistically and emotionally overwhelmed, and I’m going to do my best to support them without logistical burdens always falling on me by default.

Maybe and is about empathy. The human experience is about empathy. I’m a dramatic human person and an unapologetically chaotic writer and a soft bitch who cries a lot. I am many things at once. Unlike the decision to become a parent, I don’t have to choose.

“Single, Young, and Conservative: Meet the People Who Want to ‘Make America Hot Again’” by Ashley Wong for WSJ Magazine

This A+ comedy is behind a paywall, but you can get the gist from the Instagram post:

“I always say it’s harder to come out as conservative in New York City than to come out as gay.” – Raquel Debono

Former Trump staffer Dan Huff recounted going on a date in Washington D.C. in 2020; as soon as the woman found out he worked for Trump in the White House, she got up and left the restaurant.

“This was probably the shortest date on record, just a couple of minutes,” Huff joked.

“Republicans Snuck Two Devastating Health Care Measures Into Trump’s Megabill” by Julianna McShane and Henry Carnell for Mother Jones

In this week’s episode of “we’re living in a dystopia”:

Together, the 11th-hour additions represent an even more extreme version of Trump’s domestic agenda. With nearly one in seven Americans covered through ACA marketplace plans since 2014, the impacts of the proposed abortion ban would be “catastrophic” if passed by the full House and Senate, Reps. Diana DeGette (D-Colo.) and Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass.), co-chairs of the Congressional Reproductive Freedom Caucus, said in a statement. “Donald Trump and Congressional Republicans’ claims that they will not ban abortion nationwide were always a lie. Overnight, the receipts came in,” they added. “We will continue to call out this attack on the people for exactly what it is: a Big Bogus Backdoor abortion ban.”

“Don’t Pity a Woman Eating Alone” by Callie Hitchcock for NYT Opinion

If you read just one essay this week, let it be this one:

A single woman eating alone can be a magnet for society’s fears, but also its dreams. She can be a mysterious, glamorous Carrie Bradshaw, a bon vivant renegade ignoring cultural expectations. She can also be a painfully bereft Miss Havisham, abandoned not just at the restaurant but also in the world. It’s a simplistic fairy tale in which we can only imagine a woman ignoring the social imperative to couple going one of two ways: triumph or devastation. The single woman is the canary in the coal mine, her fate fascinating us and portending what life has in store for us if we stray from the beaten path.

Silver Elite by Dani Francis is the latest book I keep seeing allllll over the internet. Who is Dani Francis? Is it a pen name for a bestselling author in a different genre? Is she Canadian? (Rumors seem to say yes to both.) Was Silver Elite written by a man? Was it written by AI? Is it conservative propaganda? (I really don’t think so, for reasons I can’t expand on because it’s a massive spoiler.)

I had some issues with this book, but the most intriguing criticism I’ve seen is about how the story engages with its dystopian themes (or doesn’t, in favor of the romance.) Some people think the dystopian romance genre shouldn’t even exist because you can’t do both things at the same time. I’m biased because I wrote one, but to me, this is just another case for the power of and. Like yes, let’s respect the seriousness of the dystopian themes, and, if you’re a character in one of these books and all you’ve ever known is an authoritarian regime, people are still falling in love. They’re still fucking and catching feelings for people they maybe shouldn’t. Which is to say, they’re still human. (Unless they’re a robot or whatever.) This book is the first in a trilogy, so we have two more books to bring down the government, you know what I mean?

Anyway, one of my favorite past times after I finish a book is reading other people’s reviews on Goodreads – here’s one that made me laugh out loud:

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Sometimes The Onion hits so hard it makes me want to cry 🥲

Last Sunday, I had Paul co-host the Sheila Heti Summer Slow Read with me for issue #4, and the reviews are in:

This Sunday, I have an episode I’ve really been looking forward to with my friends Alex and Devon, who are the other two sides of a writing triangle I would simply not exist without. I would have perished by now without their 24/7/365 moral and emotional support. We talked about parenting and writing and the parts of ourselves we feel called to spread which sounds gross but isn’t I promise!