As a person who has lived an adventurous and career-oriented life so far (lived abroad, multiple degrees, traveled to 20 countries), and also had a baby last year... for me personally, freedom is the wrong word. I don't think there needs to be a dichotomy between kids/no kids = not free/free. I don't see myself as less free now that I am a mother. My inner world has expanded INFINITELY since having a child, and I feel MORE free now to express my convictions and stand up for myself and what I believe in since my priorities in life have realigned. And, while sure some things are more logistically challenging with a toddler in tow, she's already been to two different countries before the age of one, including a month long stay in Turkey while I did field research!
I'm really glad that this equation has resonated for you, and of COURSE not having children is a valid choice - nobody should ever have a child if they don't want to, becoming a parent has only strengthened my conviction in that. Just wanted to give the perspective of a career-oriented mother who does not feel like she has sacrificed her freedom! Now back to writing my PhD dissertation :)
Wow Liza this really articulated how I feel about motherhood and freedom as well. As someone who never wanted to have children, who was quite content actually being the fun Auntie and thinking that having a child would somehow infringe on my freedom, now that I am a mom, I also don’t see myself as being less free but rather logistics are different. I feel more free now more than ever because motherhood has called me to be more myself than ever before. To live as authentically as I can because I realize my daughter will need to see this modeled by me in order to model it herself. Freedom also feels so different as I age. Freedom is as much external as it is internal. I expect that I will continue to expand my definition of freedom the more money I make, the more life experience I have and the more independent my daughter becomes. One of the reasons I didn’t want children was because I saw them as a hinderance to my freedom . That’s what I saw modeled in all of the women who had children in my family anyway. They struggled more in every way. My story however is different and when I was presented with having a child I had to stop comparing their experiences to mine. I agree, not having a child is a solid choice and had I never been pregnant I probably would’ve made it myself. But it wasn’t until I really thought about what I was giving up as well as getting that helped me make my own decision.
Very well written Kelly, I can relate to some of this and I truly believe there is more to life than being a parent. I went through a few terrible relationships until I met my now husband back when I was 30, Im 41 now. I thought I wanted kids but I wanted my career first. I was a nurse and then eventually got my masters and then doctorate and currently work in anesthesia, all of this took time but I have financial freedom which is so important to me. The only difference between us, I did have my first (and last) baby at 40 and while it was the right decision for me, being a parent is not something everyone wants to do and I 1000% respect that.
You and your sister had the same mom but she become a mother so I don’t think your path was set by your mom. I think it’s a gift to be encouraged to be able to depend on yourself and not others. You can be financially secure independently and be a mother. As others have noted having kids doesn’t have to equal no freedom. Every woman should be able to choose if they want to be a mother and your choice not to be is your journey. I just don’t think that choice was set by being encouraged to pursue financial freedom.
I always resonated with your writing on C&C even when I didn't always agree with your conclusions. I bought the white pair of Nikes you recommended in that one post about white sneakers. Everyone else had chosen $100+ pairs, but you chose this cool pair of white Nikes with an iridescent swoop. I bought those shoes immediately, and then wore them until the soles were falling off. Literally!
I originally thought we were similar because you had grown up in the Midwest. Now I know it goes even deeper. I too was a theater kid who wanted nothing less than to tell stories, but my parents too put a seal on that dream. When I got ready for college, I had dreamt of going to Journalism School at the University of Kansas, but my dad told me I would starve! Journalism was dying! For the love of God, get a business degree and have some sort of security!
So that's what I did. I tamped down my dreams, went to a tiny liberal arts college close to home, and did something called Marketing because that's what the coolest girl I met on my first day of classes told me her major was. I proceeded to spend four years looking down my nose at every Marketing course I took. I enjoyed Econ and Accounting, but Marketing? It all seemed so... obvious? I know it's not, but it just didn't turn me on at all.
What really brought me happiness in college? My EN 101 professor stopping me for a chat at the end of the fall semester my freshman year. She said I had a talent for writing and encouraged me to do an English minor. I could have kissed her for her encouragement. I didn’t realize how much I was looking for someone, anyone, to give me permission to pursue something I was truly passionate about. My English courses were my North star in college. I prioritized them over everything because they felt valuable in a way business did not. (I still graduated with a 3.9!)
It hurts me now to look back and see how easily I gave up on my dream of being a journalist. I know it would have lit a fire in me academically and challenged me in ways that would have actually brought me happiness in a career.
Instead, I work in Marketing for a small engineering firm, and write about sustainable building practices and engineering. Two things I very much did not go to school for, and while I see the value of both on a practical level, I dream of switching careers.
I know as a woman in my early-30s, I have, theoretically, have lots of life left and should feel empowered to find a job that lights me up, but after 10 years in this field, and not feeling like I've really honed any skills I truly want to use, I'm feeling stuck. My partner is supportive and wants me to find joy in my career, but I can't see the path right now.
Thanks for making a path forward look possible from broken dreams look possible. I am hopeful that one day I will "solve the proof" for my own life.
[Also, I don't have kids, but if I do, and they are passionate about theater or writing or whatever, I am going to apply lighter fluid to their passionate flame. I firmly believe that you can make money doing anything you care deeply about, and I want to teach that to future generations. (And maybe prove it to myself!)]
I loved this. And I teared up reading "Stories are freedom." So often I want to say to my boomer mother "why are you surprised?!" Part of me can't blame her, but the other part of me is truly so confused by that lack of self awareness I don't even try to understand it.
Love this! And the equations lol (I was math inclined in school). I’ve missed your long form and really enjoy reading it. Opened right away and read it in its entirety! I have calculated a similar equation many times. Also I’m someone who supports my partner financially, and feels like society (read: my mother) is disappointed because that wasn’t the vision she had for me. I’m really happy though and feel like I’ve created a lot of freedom for myself. Joy is another facet of life and I’m trying to see if there is a balance between sacrificing freedom for more joy. I’ve been leaning towards no children for many years now, but at 34, am trying to be more sure on my decision. Right now trying to see if the possible (maybe?) addition of joy from having kids could outweigh the lack of freedom. Not sure! But I love hearing about your decision and the reasoning behind it, thanks for sharing!
Hi Kelly - your essays have resonated with me deeply since Cupcakes and Cashmere because of our mostly similar taste in books, aesthetics, just in general. I've never read anything that made me feel as seen as this does. You have put into words ideas I've been processing. I could not agree more with your Transitive Property of Freedom.
I too was firmly guided away from the storytelling work I sought as a child for financial security reasons, which I do now agree with - I am grateful I became a data scientist instead of a journalist because yes, it is much easier to feel free when you know you can afford what you need. And I couldn't agree more that this way of orienting our lives around freedom, especially financial freedom, does feel very at odds with any steps toward motherhood. My own mother, like yours, had a masters in accounting but stayed home to take care of us. She strongly encouraged me to put EVERYTHING I had into achieving something big and making something of myself. Unlike your mother, mine wanted only career success for me, not love of the partner or children variety, so those have always seemed like abstract concepts that are real for other people, but not available to me - a great thing, because partners and children certainly feel like the opposite of freedom. I have yet to see a form of love that doesn't look or feel like a trap, so I appreciate your point that you've found it in a partner - that means it must exist, and maybe it will exist for me too (though it may not, and that's ok too).
Of course, now in my mid-thirties, my mom is alarmed that I have less than zero interest in finding a partner or having children, something that you put into words perfectly: "My mom is sad for me – she thinks I’m going to miss out on the best thing she ever did. She never got to have a long career, though, so how does she know it wouldn’t have been the best thing she ever did instead?
But here’s where I tie all of this together into something resembling a thesis statement: I think it’s ironic that my mother pushed me so hard academically to ensure I’d have a career and my freedom, but never did anything to help me develop an affinity for motherhood [or partnership/marriage, in my case]."
Wow – I don't know if I can come up with a full statement or response to reading this right away but my brain is definitely spinning (in a good way!). Thank you for writing this so beautifully and making me think about my own equation and how it's shifted and evolved in my life thus far.
As a person who has lived an adventurous and career-oriented life so far (lived abroad, multiple degrees, traveled to 20 countries), and also had a baby last year... for me personally, freedom is the wrong word. I don't think there needs to be a dichotomy between kids/no kids = not free/free. I don't see myself as less free now that I am a mother. My inner world has expanded INFINITELY since having a child, and I feel MORE free now to express my convictions and stand up for myself and what I believe in since my priorities in life have realigned. And, while sure some things are more logistically challenging with a toddler in tow, she's already been to two different countries before the age of one, including a month long stay in Turkey while I did field research!
I'm really glad that this equation has resonated for you, and of COURSE not having children is a valid choice - nobody should ever have a child if they don't want to, becoming a parent has only strengthened my conviction in that. Just wanted to give the perspective of a career-oriented mother who does not feel like she has sacrificed her freedom! Now back to writing my PhD dissertation :)
Wow Liza this really articulated how I feel about motherhood and freedom as well. As someone who never wanted to have children, who was quite content actually being the fun Auntie and thinking that having a child would somehow infringe on my freedom, now that I am a mom, I also don’t see myself as being less free but rather logistics are different. I feel more free now more than ever because motherhood has called me to be more myself than ever before. To live as authentically as I can because I realize my daughter will need to see this modeled by me in order to model it herself. Freedom also feels so different as I age. Freedom is as much external as it is internal. I expect that I will continue to expand my definition of freedom the more money I make, the more life experience I have and the more independent my daughter becomes. One of the reasons I didn’t want children was because I saw them as a hinderance to my freedom . That’s what I saw modeled in all of the women who had children in my family anyway. They struggled more in every way. My story however is different and when I was presented with having a child I had to stop comparing their experiences to mine. I agree, not having a child is a solid choice and had I never been pregnant I probably would’ve made it myself. But it wasn’t until I really thought about what I was giving up as well as getting that helped me make my own decision.
Very well written Kelly, I can relate to some of this and I truly believe there is more to life than being a parent. I went through a few terrible relationships until I met my now husband back when I was 30, Im 41 now. I thought I wanted kids but I wanted my career first. I was a nurse and then eventually got my masters and then doctorate and currently work in anesthesia, all of this took time but I have financial freedom which is so important to me. The only difference between us, I did have my first (and last) baby at 40 and while it was the right decision for me, being a parent is not something everyone wants to do and I 1000% respect that.
You and your sister had the same mom but she become a mother so I don’t think your path was set by your mom. I think it’s a gift to be encouraged to be able to depend on yourself and not others. You can be financially secure independently and be a mother. As others have noted having kids doesn’t have to equal no freedom. Every woman should be able to choose if they want to be a mother and your choice not to be is your journey. I just don’t think that choice was set by being encouraged to pursue financial freedom.
The girlies that get it, get it. The girlies that don't, don't. You are a rockstar and sharing yourself with strangers isn't easy. Love you!
Personal value on freedom is the reason I decided not to have kids as well. I value my independence and career far too much
Wooooooow, Kelly. Wow!
I always resonated with your writing on C&C even when I didn't always agree with your conclusions. I bought the white pair of Nikes you recommended in that one post about white sneakers. Everyone else had chosen $100+ pairs, but you chose this cool pair of white Nikes with an iridescent swoop. I bought those shoes immediately, and then wore them until the soles were falling off. Literally!
I originally thought we were similar because you had grown up in the Midwest. Now I know it goes even deeper. I too was a theater kid who wanted nothing less than to tell stories, but my parents too put a seal on that dream. When I got ready for college, I had dreamt of going to Journalism School at the University of Kansas, but my dad told me I would starve! Journalism was dying! For the love of God, get a business degree and have some sort of security!
So that's what I did. I tamped down my dreams, went to a tiny liberal arts college close to home, and did something called Marketing because that's what the coolest girl I met on my first day of classes told me her major was. I proceeded to spend four years looking down my nose at every Marketing course I took. I enjoyed Econ and Accounting, but Marketing? It all seemed so... obvious? I know it's not, but it just didn't turn me on at all.
What really brought me happiness in college? My EN 101 professor stopping me for a chat at the end of the fall semester my freshman year. She said I had a talent for writing and encouraged me to do an English minor. I could have kissed her for her encouragement. I didn’t realize how much I was looking for someone, anyone, to give me permission to pursue something I was truly passionate about. My English courses were my North star in college. I prioritized them over everything because they felt valuable in a way business did not. (I still graduated with a 3.9!)
It hurts me now to look back and see how easily I gave up on my dream of being a journalist. I know it would have lit a fire in me academically and challenged me in ways that would have actually brought me happiness in a career.
Instead, I work in Marketing for a small engineering firm, and write about sustainable building practices and engineering. Two things I very much did not go to school for, and while I see the value of both on a practical level, I dream of switching careers.
I know as a woman in my early-30s, I have, theoretically, have lots of life left and should feel empowered to find a job that lights me up, but after 10 years in this field, and not feeling like I've really honed any skills I truly want to use, I'm feeling stuck. My partner is supportive and wants me to find joy in my career, but I can't see the path right now.
Thanks for making a path forward look possible from broken dreams look possible. I am hopeful that one day I will "solve the proof" for my own life.
[Also, I don't have kids, but if I do, and they are passionate about theater or writing or whatever, I am going to apply lighter fluid to their passionate flame. I firmly believe that you can make money doing anything you care deeply about, and I want to teach that to future generations. (And maybe prove it to myself!)]
I loved this. And I teared up reading "Stories are freedom." So often I want to say to my boomer mother "why are you surprised?!" Part of me can't blame her, but the other part of me is truly so confused by that lack of self awareness I don't even try to understand it.
Love this! And the equations lol (I was math inclined in school). I’ve missed your long form and really enjoy reading it. Opened right away and read it in its entirety! I have calculated a similar equation many times. Also I’m someone who supports my partner financially, and feels like society (read: my mother) is disappointed because that wasn’t the vision she had for me. I’m really happy though and feel like I’ve created a lot of freedom for myself. Joy is another facet of life and I’m trying to see if there is a balance between sacrificing freedom for more joy. I’ve been leaning towards no children for many years now, but at 34, am trying to be more sure on my decision. Right now trying to see if the possible (maybe?) addition of joy from having kids could outweigh the lack of freedom. Not sure! But I love hearing about your decision and the reasoning behind it, thanks for sharing!
Hi Kelly - your essays have resonated with me deeply since Cupcakes and Cashmere because of our mostly similar taste in books, aesthetics, just in general. I've never read anything that made me feel as seen as this does. You have put into words ideas I've been processing. I could not agree more with your Transitive Property of Freedom.
I too was firmly guided away from the storytelling work I sought as a child for financial security reasons, which I do now agree with - I am grateful I became a data scientist instead of a journalist because yes, it is much easier to feel free when you know you can afford what you need. And I couldn't agree more that this way of orienting our lives around freedom, especially financial freedom, does feel very at odds with any steps toward motherhood. My own mother, like yours, had a masters in accounting but stayed home to take care of us. She strongly encouraged me to put EVERYTHING I had into achieving something big and making something of myself. Unlike your mother, mine wanted only career success for me, not love of the partner or children variety, so those have always seemed like abstract concepts that are real for other people, but not available to me - a great thing, because partners and children certainly feel like the opposite of freedom. I have yet to see a form of love that doesn't look or feel like a trap, so I appreciate your point that you've found it in a partner - that means it must exist, and maybe it will exist for me too (though it may not, and that's ok too).
Of course, now in my mid-thirties, my mom is alarmed that I have less than zero interest in finding a partner or having children, something that you put into words perfectly: "My mom is sad for me – she thinks I’m going to miss out on the best thing she ever did. She never got to have a long career, though, so how does she know it wouldn’t have been the best thing she ever did instead?
But here’s where I tie all of this together into something resembling a thesis statement: I think it’s ironic that my mother pushed me so hard academically to ensure I’d have a career and my freedom, but never did anything to help me develop an affinity for motherhood [or partnership/marriage, in my case]."
So thank you for this moment of feeling seen --
Wow – I don't know if I can come up with a full statement or response to reading this right away but my brain is definitely spinning (in a good way!). Thank you for writing this so beautifully and making me think about my own equation and how it's shifted and evolved in my life thus far.