#6. All Things Weddings
I'm getting married! A plan for talking about our wedding and wedding-related topics in 2023
Hello! Issue #6 is all about weddings and how I want to cover wedding-related content in 2023. I recognize that wedding content is niche, and it’s very much not for everyone. If you’re someone who has no desire to partake in wedding content (I’m not at all offended), scroll down and just read the “Learning from the past” section, and I’ll see you next week.
We’re engaged! We’re planning a wedding! We have been for a while! Choosing each other was easy; choosing a caterer is considerably harder. Although keeping it a secret for a few months was kind of fun, I’ve now reached the point where I reeeeeally want to talk about the process of planning a wedding and get advice from other people. I just went wedding dress shopping with Paul, my sister, and my best friend on FaceTime a few weeks ago, and we’re planning on a trip to Palm Springs (where we are getting married!) soon to do a tasting at a few different caterers. I just can’t believe how expensive everything is and how difficult it’s been to get questions answered from a few key vendors, and I need to commiserate about it with other people who understand!!
Weddings are… complicated. For a long time, I wasn’t sure I would want to have a wedding at all. Ten-ish years ago, I told my mom that I was probably going to elope someday, and she burst into tears and said that she’d disown me if I got married and she wasn’t there, which I guess is when I gave up on the dream of getting married on a mountaintop somewhere. I’m very aware of the slightly insidious nature of the Wedding Industrial Complex and how it forces you to SPEND MORE on basically everything even remotely related to weddings, and we’re doing our best to fight against it, but playing by its rules feels somewhat inevitable unless you elope or have a wedding that’s completely outside the box. They say the average cost of a wedding right now is $28K, but I’ll be honest–even planning for under 100 people, we’re somehow going to spend that amount on just the venue, food, and alcohol. Every single thing I am receiving quotes for is going over the budget I thought I had meticulously planned. I just got a quote back for a three-hour welcome party for 75 people at a pizza restaurant, and it’s almost $12,000. It’s madness!!
We are still in the very early stages, but planning a wedding is surprisingly hard work. Even with two relatively chill people who don’t care what color the napkins are and have budgeted next to $0 for decor, I still feel a bit of pressure to “get it right,” which I think comes mostly from how freaking expensive everything is. If we’re going to spend thousands of dollars on a party, it should be pretty great, right? And although we’ve decided on a few unusual or non-traditional things–we’re forgoing a bridal party, sending digital invitations, Paul is coming wedding dress shopping with me, and we have no “theme” or color scheme–there are outside forces at work that we have to go along with to please others or the requirements of our venue, which makes planning all the more complicated.
We decided that the most important piece of the puzzle (and the only thing we’ve actually booked so far) was the overall vibe of the venue–we wanted to get married somewhere warm that we didn’t need to “decorate,” with a stunning view. And the place we picked is amazing. Although we only told a few close friends and family at the time, Paul and I went to Palm Springs last October to look at several incredibly cool wedding venues that we had researched and wanted to see IRL. We needed a vacation for sure, but we also really wanted to get a jump on securing a venue for 2023. Around 2.5 million weddings happened last year–the most since 1984–and although this year is expected to slow down a little, it won’t be by much. Looking at venues in October for a late 2023 wedding, we only had a few choices for dates available to us–at some venues we looked at, only Fridays were still available–even though we were planning more than a year in advance.
We also booked a venue before we got engaged, technically, although we had decided we were going to get married around the same time we bought our house. I couldn’t find a more updated statistic, but apparently 17% of couples started planning their weddings before getting engaged in 2018, and I imagine that number has only gone up a little, what with the backlog of weddings due to Covid-related postponements in 2020-21. I’m thrilled to have our venue locked in, but we have *nothing* else booked yet, and I’m starting to panic just a little bit.
Learning from the past
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks on how (and where) I want to talk about our wedding this year. In 2019, I shared quite a few pieces of wedding/marriage-related content on the cupcakes and cashmere blog–including one of my favorite things I’ve ever written–only to unpublish every piece in 2020 after ending my engagement, which I did mostly to protect my ex’s privacy. I loved capturing the process and sharing with others (there is just so much to talk about when you decide to get married; from choosing a venue to changing/keeping your last name), but posting on such a public platform was also hard on my mental health, especially when my relationship was ending and no one knew. A few weeks after ending my engagement (before I was really active on Instagram in the way I am now), it was a cupcakes and cashmere reader who reached out via DM to let me know that she saw my ex on Hinge. She obviously thought we were still together so I 100% understand why she told me (not her fault at all, I love and respect girl code!), but that experience is burned in my memory as a sort of cautionary tale about oversharing on the internet.
I genuinely enjoy sharing some of the more private parts of my life semi-publicly, and I know that a portion of you found me from some of those pieces I wrote a few years ago (ILY!). Exchanging stories of break-ups, loss, and moving on and hearing your feedback and encouragement led me to want to create a community of my own, where I feel a deeper sense of kinship and connection with those who read my work. Last week I met someone who reads my newsletter for coffee, and it turns out she’s essentially my neighbor! I created curious times to have a space where I can show up as my authentic self and share my thoughts on whatever is on my mind. There are several topics–planning a wedding, decorating our house, and talking about things that have happened in the past come to mind–where connecting with a smaller, more intimate group of people like this is the best way for me to share certain parts of my life in an environment I feel safe doing so.
After talking with Paul at length about how to write about our wedding, I’ve decided to narrow this group even further and launch paid subscriptions for 2023. All wedding-related content moving forward (except for maybe a few mentions here and there) will be behind a paywall, which I hope will accomplish a few things. First, it means that I can share wedding-related content in a space that feels more intimate and protected. Not sharing wedding content at all wouldn’t feel authentic to me. I’m excited!!! I have a lot of thoughts to share, from tips I’ve found so helpful to my feelings about doing this for the second time (for both of us) and whether I’m going to change my last name or not (I haven’t decided yet). Anyone who opts in to paid content knows what they are getting and wants to be there, whether you’re also planning a wedding this year, just got married and have a lot of thoughts to share, a wedding or engagement is in your near future, or you just want to come along for the ride.
Second, it means that free subscribers to curious times won’t see wedding content if they don’t opt in to it. This one is important to me. Maybe you’ve been married for 10 years, don’t plan on ever getting married, or are going through a breakup right now. Wedding content is niche. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to unsubscribe to my newsletter this year because I’m planning a wedding and that’s not content they want to see, for literally any reason. Free subscribers to curious times will still get my regular newsletter on Wednesdays without any additional wedding content. I write a lot about dating, relationships, breakups, supporting your single friends, friendship, and other topics I want to make sure you can still enjoy without being accosted by wedding content if you don’t want it.
How (I think) this plan will work (?)
For $5/month or $50/year (the lowest amount Substack will let me offer!), paid subscribers will receive an additional 1-2 issues per month on Fridays, with comments on(!!!) about a wedding or marriage-related topic in 2023. We’re getting married in December, so the timing works out nicely. My newsletter is (and will remain) both ad and affiliate-free, and paid subscriptions will help me very much in that endeavor. Paid subscribers will also be able to comment on every post moving forward, which I am especially excited about!
I am also delighted by the new “Chat” feature on the Substack app, where I will start different threads for paid subscribers so we can chat about different topics in real time. I plan to start new threads at least once a month on everything from choosing an engagement ring (a specialty of mine) to taking time off for your honeymoon and everything in-between. We can talk about budgeting, dress shopping, why some things are so damn expensive, how to deal with parents with opinions, whether or not to have kids at the wedding, changing/keeping your last name, and whatever else you want to talk about.
If you do want my thoughts on all things weddings this year and the ability to leave comments, upgrade your subscription and check your inbox on Friday morning for my thoughts on wedding dress shopping for the second time, including how it felt to revisit an old photo of myself wearing the dress I picked for a wedding that never happened, what I learned from dress shopping four years ago, and how I decided to do things differently this time around. I’m headed into another full day of wedding dress shopping on Saturday, and there will be another newsletter in February with photos of dresses I tried on, both good and bad. ;)
If you don’t want wedding content… nothing changes! Check your inbox on Wednesdays as usual. If you have a friend or sister who is planning a wedding right now and looking for community, send her our way. :) You can also gift a subscription here:
Also! If you got married within the last few years and don’t necessarily need wedding content in your inbox but would be willing to be a part of any of the discussion threads that are relevant for you, shoot me a DM when you see a new chat started in the Substack app and I will give you a trial subscription that will unlock the chat thread for the next week. Your advice is needed!! And, if you’re un or under-employed and getting married in 2023/24, DM me with your email address and I will comp you a paid subscription for the entire year if you want one. Obviously this is on the honor system and weddings are expensive, so I don’t want anyone who wants a paid subscription to my newsletter to feel like it’s one more thing they didn’t budget for!
I’m also going to start working on a longer piece about how to choose an engagement ring soon, and I’d love to do it in a way where I can answer specific questions from anyone who is curious (heh) or currently shopping for one. If you didn’t already know, I was the marketing/brand lead at a company I helped create that sold vintage (and some new) engagement rings from 2014-2017, so I know way more than I should about this topic! If you have a question about literally anything related to engagement rings, DM me, or you can reply to this email.
As always, thank you so much for your support, whether you are a free subscriber, paid subscriber, or reading curious times because a friend just forwarded this to you. I already love this space so damn much, and I’m excited for what’s to come. <3
What’s Up This Week
2020 Field Recordings “Wonderwall” Nebbiolo
Field Recordings is winemaker Andrew Jones’ personal catalog of the people and places he values most. His wines are all about the flavor — with none of the pretension.
"Spending his days as a vine nursery fieldman planning and planting vineyards for farmers all over California, Andrew is sometimes offered small lots of their best fruit on the side. Having stood in just about every vineyard on the Central Coast, he’s all about finding those underdogs with untapped potential. Certified organic and farmed sustainable, this wine has no additives, uses native yeasts, and minimal sulfites."
Composition: 75% Nebbiolo and 25% Barbera grown in... California?!
Availability: You should be able to find this in a local shop, but if not, it’s also available online
MSRP: $20ish
Worth it: Yep!
Appearance: Slightly dull cherry color with low opacity. Very see-through!
Nose: Lots of personality here. Strawberry/raspberry syrup laser beams into the nose with background notes of bright red cherry and a handful of gummy bears rolled up tightly in a huge tobacco leaf. WEIRD BUT I’M INTO IT.
Palate: Comes across as very close to a natural wine, but not quite. Some cherry cola on the tongue and a bit of light tobacco leaf again; a real dirty-but-clean vibe and just a hint of sweetness. Imagine an angel food cake, sprinkled with dirt, finished with a tiny bit of raspberry sauce drizzle. A unique crowd pleaser to help get folks off Apothic Red and into something a bit more intriguing!
Conclusion: If this wine was a person, it would be an extroverted (but not obnoxiously loud), happy-go-lucky, over-achiever. At around $20 you need to find yourself some of this!
**If you can’t find this exact one, we’ve also had a few other wines from Field Recordings that are good as well, like the “Fiction” red blend.
Obviously I watched the premiere of Zach Shallcross’ season of The Bachelor last night. The Bachelor is a special addiction of mine, so I will be covering the first two episodes in next week’s issue. If you need some thoughts right now, though, may I direct you to a 4,000 word manifesto about the state of Bachelor Nation written by one of my favorite podcasters and Bachelor expert, Bachelor Clues / Chad Kultgen. It’s a fascinating view into how The Bachelor has changed since they cast the first “villain” lead 10 years ago, Juan Pablo Galavis, and all the major milestones along the way that have landed us in the strange place that we are currently in. It feels like no one is particularly excited to watch this season, even those of us who have been watching for over a decade. There’s a reason for that, and Chad explains all in his essay that I, of course, devoured the day it was published. More thoughts coming next week!
Miley’s new break-up / self-love anthem, “Flowers,” is a bop on its own, but this remix is even more fun. The real winner, though, is the music video. What is going on here!! Lol. Whatever it is, I love it. I, too, would really enjoy dance-walking to this song in the Hollywood Hills while wearing a fantastic gold lamé gown and putting my hair in a topknot. We are all Diane Keaton.
I just re-read the last 50 pages of Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo before starting the sequel, Hell Bent (February’s book club book!). I also listened to this Ninth House recap (with spoilers!) that was a nice refresher if you need one.
That’s it! See some of you on Friday, and everyone else next week.
K bye,
Kelly