#46. "Just Don't Wear Makeup!"
Some thoughts about JP and Taylor’s train wreck of a conversation from “Love is Blind” Season 5
The train wreck that was Love Is Blind Season 5 finally came to a close on Sunday night with the airing of the reunion episode. I feel like it’s safe to say that if this season had been the first, it wouldn’t have been renewed as a series. Nobody had fun this season, except for maybe Lydia and Milton–everyone else just seemed varying levels of fucking miserable. With a finale where we saw only two couples walk down the aisle versus the usual five(ish), you know it was just bad casting when producers chose not to follow three other couples that got engaged in the pods but weren’t included in the edit for a variety of reasons, including sexual assault.
That’s correct–in this absolute dumpster fire of a season, one of the contestants is currently suing production because she was sexually assaulted in Mexico by her brand-new fiancé, and she claims the show did nothing about it. And there were two other couples that got engaged whose stories were so uninteresting or even more misery-laden than the ones we did see that they cut them out of the show as well. Producers have done this in almost every other season of Love Is Blind thus far too, but mostly because there were too many interesting storylines to follow, so they are forced to make cuts to keep us invested in the relationships we do get to see. In Season 5, pretty much all we got was a bunch of messy relationships that didn’t last.
Something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now since episode 6 aired–if you’ve been watching, it’s the one where the couples are getting ready to leave their “getaway” in Mexico and head home to Houston–is the now infamous conversation between JP and Taylor about makeup that set certain corners of the internet ablaze. If you don’t want spoilers for what happens to this couple, skip the next paragraph or two (although this season was such a depressing disappointment I don’t even know if a spoiler warning is needed here… did anyone actually care about any of these people finding love in the pods????)
The morning after the cringey makeup conversation, JP and Taylor leave Mexico separately. She breaks off their engagement, there’s a dramatic shot of her ring sitting on the table in front of JP after Taylor takes it off and gives it back to him, and JP asks what they should do now. Taylor replies, “Go home? I just want to feel like myself again.”
I was not at all surprised by this outcome and response. I’ve lived a similar relationship dynamic to the one shown between JP and Taylor–albeit not one that started with a sight unseen engagement–and I knew it would end the way it did. I was even a little proud of Taylor for walking the fuck out so early in the season.
This issue isn’t about their entire relationship dynamic, though–it’s focused on this one truly disastrous conversation about makeup that they had in Mexico, which was the spark that burst into a flaming red flag for Taylor (and basically all the rest of us watching and screaming at our TVs, except for JP’s current girlfriend, I guess?).
ICYMI, here’s a transcript of the conversation so you can get the full picture of what went down (they’re in bed wearing pajamas and talking about the “reveal” after they got engaged, when they saw each other IRL for the first time). Basically, the TL;DR is that JP doesn’t like (or seem to trust) women who wear makeup because he equates it with being “fake,” which includes even occasionally wearing enough makeup that he perceives it to be both appearance and personality altering. Love is absolutely not blind for JP, who has a strong enough preference for a bare face that it actually affects his feelings for Taylor and his overall perception of who she is as a person:
Taylor: “So what changed after the pods, then?”
JP: “I understand that you tried to present yourself… and look the best you could, but I feel like if you had represented yourself like this, without any makeup, it would have been better.”
Taylor: “So the way I looked made you communicate differently with me.”
JP: “It felt like you were fake.”
Taylor: “And that’s why the communication has been off and different. Because I felt fake.”
JP: “That’s what started it.”
Taylor: “Interesting.”
JP: “You had a caked up face, fake eyelashes… I’m being honest. And I’m sorry that’s so hard to hear.”
Taylor: “You didn’t know what I looked like before!”
JP: “You presented fake stuff.”
Taylor: “I was just dressed up and put on makeup.”
JP: “A lot of makeup. I had makeup all over my jacket.”
(Taylor gets overwhelmed and walks away for a few minutes)
Taylor: “You didn’t even know what I looked like, ok? And I wanted to feel and look my best for the first time seeing you. Women put on makeup because they want to feel pretty. A lot of girls and women do that.”
JP: “Like when I first saw you, and you had all that stuff on, I was like, is this going to be an everyday thing? And I have to deal with this, like you putting on a face? Like you’re literally putting on a totally different face. And that’s not really what I want. I want this face” (points to Taylor in her pajamas with no makeup on)
Taylor: “You didn’t know this face before, though. I’ve worn makeup in front of you ONE time, which was the reveal.”
JP: “And that’s what started the whole awkwardness. I honestly tried not to picture anything, and just was going to be all in no matter what.”
Taylor: “And what, so I walked out and it fucked you up so bad that you don’t know how to communicate now?”
JP: “Yes! How is that a bad answer?”
Taylor: “That’s a horrible answer.”
JP: “That’s the fucking, honest to god truth. Just don’t wear makeup!”
Taylor: “I’m going to do what I want to do. You’re not going to tell me what to do. And the whole makeup thing is just so dumb.”
JP: “You just don’t need it, it’s like–that’s not a real person.”
Taylor: [quietly] “Very real.”
JP: “But if you look like this, I would love it.”
Taylor: “Sorry, I’m done with that fucking conversation.”
JP: “Good, then wear makeup. Do whatever the fuck you want, I don’t care. How is it so bad that I don’t want you to wear makeup? How is me saying that I like you better without makeup so bad? How is that so bad? 99% of women would love to hear that, and you hear that, and you’re like, ‘oh that’s just dumb, I can’t believe that.’”
Taylor: “I don’t even want to fucking talk about it anymore, if I’m being honest.”
JP: “Then don’t. You were already going to leave so what the fuck does it even matter? Right?”
Taylor: “I don’t know. I’m definitely not staying the night here with you.”
JP: “I don’t care.”
Whelp, let’s talk about why it’s so bad. I wanted to break this whole thing down because I feel like it’s a nuanced conversation littered with misunderstanding and just a dollop of misogyny. Other than the fact that JP sucks at communicating, there’s a huge difference between personal preferences and pointed intolerance of another person’s choices. JP thought he was expressing the former; I think the rest of us heard the latter.
You’ve heard it before–a lot of straight men say that they hate makeup. Yet many (most?) women continue to wear it anyway. Makeup both is–and really fucking isn’t–about men. Maybe this is a hot take, but I think women wear makeup, generally speaking, to look more polished or attractive. But to whom? Maybe some women in some situations wear makeup to appear more attractive to men. But I would argue that women most often wear makeup to “dress up” or appear more attractive to themselves, even if societal norms and expectations for women to appear a certain way absolutely exist.
I also think women do or don’t use makeup to appear like the most authentic version of themselves–which is to say, when the person they see in the mirror matches the person they feel they are, which may or may not include wearing makeup, and may change depending on the day or circumstance–yet somehow, many men see makeup as being inherently inauthentic, no matter what. And the more makeup a woman wears, the more “fake” she may seem, in both looks and personality.
I went down the rabbit hole of looking up the etymology of the word authentic because I feel like it’s become an overused marketing buzzword, but I still really like it in this context. People will use the terms “genuine,” “real,” and “authentic” pretty interchangeably, but the word authentic has a specific part of its definition that I like and think is relevant to this conversation.
Authentic is derived from the Greek “authentikos” which means “original, genuine, principal,” and “authentes” which means “acting on one’s own authority.” And that’s the part I fucking love about the word authentic–its focus on the self. According to the true definition, it’s up to each person to decide what’s authentic for them. If a woman chooses to wear makeup, then that’s because it feels authentic to her. She gets to decide how to present herself. End of fucking story!
To find the roots of this connection between makeup and authenticity and even morality (as JP was sliiiiightly hinting at), we wander into the territory of ancient internalized misogyny that may have some religious undertones. The Christian bible argues against cosmetics use in order to combat vanity, which Christianity believes to be a sin. You’ve also probably heard the word/name “Jezebel,” which is another biblical reference–Jezebel was an evil queen who “painted her eyes,” and this connection between cosmetics (especially as it relates to dark eye makeup) and wickedness has bled a bit into modern culture, even by someone as seemingly wholesome as Taylor Swift (“draw the cat eye sharp enough to kill a man,” anyone?).
Makeup maybe also hasn’t completely shaken its association with sex workers that goes back to ancient Roman times (at least among some groups of people…), and we’ve even seen the use of cosmetics show up in the work of philosophers who used electrically charged words like “defiled” to describe the act of putting makeup on your face. In a 2017 study, 63% of men said they think women wear makeup to trick men into thinking they’re attractive. Yikes. From ancient times to today, makeup–at least the kind you can easily see–being “undesirable” by men persists.
In other words, JP is not even remotely creative or forward-thinking in his dislike of makeup, nor does he view non-makeup wearing as an act of feminism or a rejection of cultural norms–he’s simply regurgitating hundreds (if not thousands) of years of associations with makeup being evil, impure, selfish, or deceitful. It seems pretty clear that JP wants his female partner to appear pure, honest, and morally upstanding, and Taylor wearing what he thinks is “too much makeup” even once ruins that image for him. And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that these associations between makeup and morality were made up and perpetuated by men. Ew.
The other part of this is that JP just doesn’t like (or love) Taylor enough. Taylor realizes this, too, when she said to JP:
“And then the whole makeup thing–that’s not why our emotional connection went out the window. I think that’s just an excuse.”
And I think she’s absolutely right–if JP actually loved her as much as he said he did in the pods, he wouldn’t be so fixated on this one truly inconsequential issue, even if it went against his aesthetic preferences. I had an ex who used to tell me, over and over, how he preferred brunettes in activewear, not blondes in jeans. The fact that he was so fixated on the color of the strands growing out of my head and what type of pants I was wearing–and would comment about it out loud to me–told me that he just didn’t like (or love) me enough to not really give a shit. JP reminds me so much of this particular ex it was honestly a little creepy watching this conversation play out! A friend even texted me out of the blue to ask if I was watching this season because JP reminded her so much of him. Oof!!
Clearly I’m still a bit triggered (lol) but now that we’ve gotten it out of the way that JP is just a boring backwards-person who is actually the shallow one for joining the team that says love is actually tied to one’s physical appearance or presentation, let’s talk about the expression of preferences, regardless of where those preferences come from.
Preferences on their own are very innocuous. You have them, so does your partner, and your dog does, too. Our dog prefers squishy, squeaky toys to balls or those rope things. I don’t really like the color orange. Paul prefers red wine and whiskey over beer and tequila. Preferences are a part of life. Preferences are not inherently bad.
I think it’s truly possible that men can express a preference about makeup in a way that disconnects it from all of the negativity coursing through JP and Taylor’s argument. There’s a way this preference–or any others–can be respectfully, kindly communicated without any expectations for a partner to conform to them. Personally, I think saying “I prefer no makeup, but I don’t really care either way” is a vastly superior way to express a preference than the hatchet job that JP did. Saying “I like you better without makeup” is a totally different sentiment. Let’s break those down:
“I prefer no makeup, but I don’t care either way” said in the context of a relationship communicates that you do have a preference, but that preference does not have any bearing on the relationship itself, your overall attraction to your partner, your perception of their personality/morality, or your expectations. Substitute this with, “I prefer no beard, but I don’t care either way.” With the genders reversed, this still feels like a respectful way to communicate a preference. Said this way, makeup and beards really have nothing to do with the relationship itself or the people in it.
Compare this with, “I like you better without makeup.” This immediately feels more charged to me. If a woman hears this, she might feel like she’s expected to always comply with her partner’s preference for no makeup, regardless of her own feelings about what she looks like with and without makeup, and why she wears it. It undermines her own agency and authority to decide how she prefers to present herself. She might also feel that she is loved less when doing things her partner has specifically stated he doesn’t like, and every time she wears makeup, she might wonder whether her partner finds her less attractive that day. It ties into the ultimate question the show asks: Is love blind? Or is love contingent upon an emotional connection and a person’s willingness and ability to meet and/or comply with their partner’s physical preferences?
This conversation showed up once in my current relationship, a long time ago. A month or so into dating, Paul declared (in what I think he thought was a huge, loving compliment): “I like you better without makeup.” Clearly we know I was triggered and my response was quick, loud, and straight to the point: “Let me explain why that isn’t something I want to ever hear you say again, at least not phrased in that way.”
Paul listened to me totally go off on a little diatribe about the male gaze and how he doesn’t fucking get to make any decisions about my appearance, dumbfounded, and has never said it again. I genuinely think he never considered the impact of a statement like the one he–and so many other straight men–made. He’s said things like “I hate makeup” (though not while I’m putting it on; an important distinction) and “I don’t understand makeup” which are totally fine–he’s allowed to have preferences and opinions!–but they are never directed at me, which makes all the difference. There are no commands, like, “you need to show your freckles more”–which is coded language JP used on Taylor to say “you need to wear less makeup to please me”–and I have never felt personally attacked by the ferocity of his preferences, either.
Preferences about someone’s appearance should never, ever be communicated as commands (“just wear less makeup!”). If they’re communicated respectfully and with kindness, preferences can be shared and it doesn’t have to be weird. But, if they’re related to someone’s physical appearance, I think sometimes it’s best just to keep it to yourself. Like… does it do you any good in a relationship to share that you prefer brown eyes, if your partner’s eyes are green? And I don’t want to shit on all the straight men who have ever said something like this, because I think in many cases it’s an honest mistake. But we gotta stop telling women they’re “fake” if they wear makeup, or implying it with back-handed compliments.
The only person who gets to dictate how a woman presents herself is her own damn self. Let JP and Taylor’s conversation be a lesson to us all: Preferences can certainly be communicated, just not like that. If you know a straight man who hates makeup, just tell him to do the opposite of what JP did, and he’ll be fine!
Has something like this ever happened to you??? Come tell me lol, I gotta know!
K bye,
Kelly
Loved this Kelly; thank you for sharing and explaining the nuance between the two statements
I have no idea what goes on in this show. I have never watched, not a minute. I have never watched any Bachelor or Bachelorette show. Not interested in “fake” relationship shows. Don’t get me wrong...I do watch several of the Housewife shows...until the drunkenness and screaming makes me decide to stop. My question is why would you be surprised that someone on this show would have that attitude. Seems reasonable to me to expect a uninformed and misogynistic attitude toward women, right?