#106. Chappell Roan said parenting looks like hell

And the internet, predictably, was butt hurt and offended

It’s another big week for the internet’s favorite podcast host (Alex Cooper, obviously… not that other one.) In case you missed it, Chappell Roan went on Call Her Daddy this week and nearly lit the internet on fire. Originally from the Midwest (~like yours truly~), Chappell, 27, said that all of her friends back home who are parents seem like they’re “in hell,” and of course some of the women of TikTok lost their damn minds.

Let me be so honest – the interview is about 1.5 hours long, and this comment wasn’t even close to being one of the most interesting moments. (And that’s coming from me!) Chappell Roan is fun and weird and spicy and I actually think her interview is being totally overshadowed by this extremely relatable comment she made in the first 20 minutes. Here’s what she said:

Alex: “Are you still close with your friends from back home?”

Chappell: “Yeah, I am. They’re really awesome. We have such different lives. A lot of them are married with children. And like, they have their own houses. To me, I’m like – I don’t know when that’s going to happen for me. Like I don’t know when that is realistic, if ever.”

Alex: “Do you want that?”

Chappell: “Um, I don’t know. Part of me is like, is it even going to be legal to marry my wife one day? I don’t know. But kids? All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I actually don’t know anyone who is like, happy, and has children, at this age. I literally haven’t met anyone who’s happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, who’s slept.”

Alex: “So it’s not looking too good.”

Chappell: “Why did my parents do this? I’m the oldest of four. My mom had me at 23.”

Alex: “Wait when you were saying that about your friends though, do they think this is all wild, like when they see articles about you are they like calling you up and being like, ‘Kayleigh, what the fuck?’ Or are they just like, ‘This is your life, bitch, like text us when you want to come over?’”

Chappell: “Yeah I mean it’s like, they’re mothers! They’re fucking busy, and they have jobs and lives. I am just their friend, you know what I mean? They are so sweet and so supportive and come out to shows, and they have to get fucking babysitters to come to my shows.”

The backlash, as you can probably guess, takes her comment 500 miles out of context, as if she said that every mother who has ever mothered is miserable and must hate her life. No. It is not a crime to be on the fence about motherhood because it looks really hard! Here’s one example of a TikTok from a mother who is very clearly triggered and making this about her:

@daniellesadvocacy#misogyny #chappellroan #mom

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“I am butt-hurt and offended at Chappell Roan’s comment about how she has never met a mother who is happy in her age group because I’m in her age group, and I am a mother, and I am so happy. I have three little girls. I have three, beautiful, amazing, wonderful little girls who are OBSESSED with Chappell Roan. It’s all a bit of a sting, I’m not gonna lie, and lowkey, it’s misogynistic as well. It really devalues the role of motherhood, and it really shows and proves that, when it comes to mothers, no one wants to listen to us when we’re talking about the good parts. They are only listening to us when we’re talking about the bad parts. Motherhood is not all sunshine and rainbows. Some days feel better than others. But that does not mean that most mothers, most parents, are miserable and unhappy.” –@daniellesadvocacy

Why do we do this? Why do we take what one person says about their own life and their own perception of their world and spin it into something totally different? Feeling triggered is a very human feeling and sure, sometimes we feel the sting of hurt feelings, but damn. Chappell’s comments were not an attack. (If Chappell’s actual friends with kids want to be offended that she talked about them in an interview, they have a right to feel however they want to feel, but this isn’t about that!)

It is not misogynistic or wrong for one woman to look at the life of her friends with young kids and think that it looks awful. At absolutely no point was Chappell making any big declarations about all mothers everywhere, or her fans who are mothers – you can read the transcript or listen to it yourself. The moment is surprisingly short in the context of such a long interview. Alex straight asked her if she wants children, and she answered by implying she might decide to opt out because it looks “like hell.” Maybe she has a flair for the dramatic, but so do I. Chappell lives in the U.S., and many parents (and non-parents) actually agree – it is hell here! Look around!

@tailor_and_paws@chappell roan doesn't need to hold your hand when she says things. If you're angry at people for choosing a child free life, you need to do a bit of soul searching and figure out where you went wrong. Society lies to women all the time, and every time one of us exposes that lie to the light of day, the ones who fell for it start to kick out in an effort to convince themselves and others that the status quo must continue. It's okay for women to decide not to have kids, it's okay for them to talk about it and it's okay for you to just let people live their lives. #chappellroan #childfree #womensrights #parenting

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Another mother on TikTok joined the party to add why she thinks Chappell’s comments pissed so many people off in a video that has currently has 1.3 million views:

“Women are told, from the second they put a little baby doll in our hands that being a mother is our ultimate goal. It is who we are intrinsically, to reproduce. If we reproduce, we will be fulfilled. We will feel like we have a purpose, and direction. It will do everything for us, fix us, finish us, complete us. And when there are women who actually believed that, convinced themselves of it, had children, and that did not happen, they get really, really, really mad when that lie is exposed. Because they want to drag more people into their misery. You will never find a parent who is fulfilled in what they’re doing, who enjoys their kids, who has a realistic view of what parenthood actually means in this day and age – you will never find them in those comments sections. You will only find people who believed the lie, fell for it, and then had all of those dreams shattered because it is not your child’s job to complete you.” – @tailor_and_paws

Naturally, the comments section of this TikTok is ablaze, too. Women yelling at each other and accusing each other – deflecting, blaming, proselytizing. There are mothers defending other mothers, mothers defending themselves, and mothers defending childfree people and women who are on the fence.

The internet has a way of making things feel worse than they actually are. I don’t know how much of this back-and-forth bickering is actually going on IRL. But this isn’t the first time a celebrity has made a comment about parenthood that royally pissed people off, and it certainly won’t be the last.

“A letter to the child I let go” by Ruth Abrams for

Things Worth Knowing with Farrah Storr

This is an abortion story, and a really beautiful one. Ruth did go on to have a child later, but she never forgot the one she let go of:

“We lived together for just eight weeks in the late autumn of 2018. Not very long at all in retrospect, but enough time for me to know we would not have done each other any favours. I was two years into my PhD at that point and the thought of interrupting my studies felt well, unbearable. You see, after years of silencing myself, I had finally found my voice. I was 31 years old. The only thing I wanted to put out into the world back then were the ideas I had spent a lifetime crafting. Would I have resented you for redirecting my attention away from that work? I worried I would, and no child should bear the burden of stifling a mother’s creativity. I suppose in many ways I was saving you from myself.”

“I Hid My Child to Keep My Dream Job” by Sarah Harman for ELLE

This is actually one of the craziest stories I’ve read recently about motherhood and ambition and one woman’s attempt to “have it all”:

“What kind of mother keeps her baby a secret to get ahead at work? A bad one, that’s who. I felt riddled with shame, like a liar. Which, objectively, I was. Plenty of women have no choice and have to return to work sooner than they want in order to support their families. But me? I was actively choosing this—choosing to leave. Not only that, but I was forcing my entire family to orient their lives around my ambition. “You’re so lucky,” friends would say, referring to my husband. “A lot of men wouldn’t go along with that.” They meant it as praise, I think, but the implication was unmissable: What I wanted wasn’t normal. A good mother, I was convinced, would want to be at home with the baby all day. So I kept mine a secret.”

“Far-Right Influencers Are Hosting a $10K-per-Person Matchmaking Weekend to Repopulate the Earth” by Manisha Krishnan for Wired

This piece made me giggle because it’s kind of like the plot of my novel. KIND OF. It’s really different. But it’s also the same. If it was reality TV. And mandatory. And the main character is like waitgetmethehelloutofhereeeeeeee:

“In the email to NatalCon attendees, Luke noted the conference had set up multiple sessions throughout the conference to strategize on the issue of matchmaking. The email concludes by noting that there will be “some ministers attending if anyone decides to take the leap at the conference!” Luke also instructed attendees to “come up with great ideas” regarding matchmaking, which will be passed on to him “for implementation.”

Bye, Baby by Carola Lovering is exactly the kind of pacy character study with a heart-pounding plot that I simply cannot get enough of. There are elements of thriller and mystery here, but that’s not why it’s so good. The story is told in dual timeline, dual POV format, alternating between two childhood best friends who have become very different women in their thirties. One has a baby and a rich husband, and the other doesn’t. There are two batshit crazy secret events (one in the past, one in the present) that drive the plot and when I say it is RIVETING!!!!!!!! I mean I got maybe 50 pages from the end and I almost skipped ahead to the last chapter because my heart was about to give out. So, enjoy!

Elon Musk spent $21 million in an effort to flip Wisconsin’s Supreme Court over to conservative control this week and failed. This is what happens when you try to buy people’s votes, byeeeeeeeeee!

Did you listen to Chappell Roan on Call Her Daddy? I actually thought one of the most interesting parts of the interview was when Chappell explained that she used to dress super wild and maximalist before she got famous, but after her career took off, she toned it way down because she “lost her shine” and she’s too fucking tired now. Like, wow???